Song of the Fireflies(67)
Author: J.A. Redmerski

I can’t look at her. Not because I don’t agree with what she said, but because I don’t want her to be right. I want to blame her because Bray’s parents aren’t sitting in front of me to blame.

“What will bringing her here do?” I ask icily.

“I just want some time alone with her. I want to make things up to her and make her understand that aside from you, she also has me and that I’ll never shut her out again.”

“Have you asked Bray if that’s what she wants?” I want to smirk because I already know the answer. I know there’s no way Bray wouldn’t want to come straight home to me when she’s released. But I keep my cool and wait for her answer, ready to be an adult about it and not gloat like a kid.

“Yes,” Rian says. “I talked to Brayelle about it the last time I went to visit her. She said she would come home with me.”

My mouth figuratively falls on the floor. “What?”

Don’t smirk or smile at me or I’ll lose my shit on you, Rian. Coming here, I completely expected something like this from her, for her father’s genes to shine through and make her intolerant about Bray’s well-being. Although Rian rarely interfered in Bray’s life and her illness, the few times she did, she always made it worse.

But she doesn’t smirk or smile. In fact, she appears soft and sympathetic toward my feelings, which only makes me feel like an ass**le.

“She said that? Why would she say that?” My heart is hurting.

Rian pushes the ceramic mug to the side and folds her ring-decorated hands on top of the table. She looks across at me with nothing but sincerity in her eyes.

“Elias,” she says gently, “my sister loves you very much—too much, in my opinion—”

“Too much?” I narrow both eyes at her. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I push myself to my feet, causing the chair to skid across the linoleum behind me a few inches. I’ve never been this way before, so difficult and offensive. I realize it as I stand here glaring down at Bray’s sister with so much animosity. But I just can’t bring myself to accept that Bray would do this without me knowing, would agree to come home with a sister who was never there for her, her whole life. I can’t accept that Bray wouldn’t tell me. I can’t accept that she wouldn’t want to come home with me first thing.

It doesn’t make any sense!

I’m starting to see what my last letter from Bray and the last visit with her was all about.

I try to compose myself, sucking in a deep, concentrated breath. I shut my eyes and let what little calm I harbor settle over me.

“It’s too much when a person’s life revolves around another person,” Rian says. “I know that Brayelle feels like she’s nothing without you, that she can’t live without you, Elias. No one should ever live that way. It’s unhealthy. You have to know that.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I snap. “What makes you say that?”

“Because that’s what she told me.”

I throw my head back and laugh. I lean forward, pressing the palms of my hands against the wood grain table, peering down at Rian with a look of disbelief and disappointment twisting my features.

“You really have no idea what’s going on with your sister,” I accuse. “It’s unbelievable to me that after all that’s happened, after everything Bray has gone through, the suicide attempt in South Carolina, the shit she went through with you and your parents, constantly shoved to the side by your father while your mother looked the other way.” I feel lines deepen around my nose as I glare angrily down into Rian’s calm and unemotional face. “I was the only person who ever gave a shit about her. Of course she’s going to say she can’t live without me. She’s going to even believe that at times, but you want to know the truth? Let me enlighten you, Rian.” I stand upright again, letting my hands slide away from the table. “You’re not seeing the bigger picture here. All you see is what you want to see. You sit there and listen to the things your sister says, and instead of trying to understand what’s really going on with her, why she is the way she is, you blame me and ignore the fact that underneath it all, you and your parents are more to blame than I am.”

I slash the air in front of me with my hand. “Bray is sick, Rian. She’s sick. When it comes down to it, it’s not my fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not even your parents’ fault. We’re only to blame for her not getting the help she needed a long time ago. Even I’m guilty of that. I never should’ve left with her after what happened last year. I contributed to her illness by what we did.” I lean over again, bracing one hand on the table and pointing my finger at her with the other. “But you know what? At least I can say that I didn’t know she needed help until after we ran. I had no idea that she was seeing a shrink when she was a teenager. I had no f**king idea that she tried to commit suicide when she was in South Carolina. I had absolutely no idea that her problems ran deeper than I could imagine. And you want to know why I didn’t know?”

I slap the table again. Rian blinks and leans further back in the chair. “Because I loved her for the way she was. I never pushed her away. I accepted her and everything about her, and the only way I saw her differently from anyone else was that I loved her, unlike anyone else. But you and your family and her so-called f**king friends shoved her in the corner because she wasn’t like you, because you couldn’t spare the extra effort to really know and understand her.” I point at myself. “She wasn’t sick around me because I was all the therapy she needed, at least until her illness reached its worst.” I pause and take a deep breath and calm myself. “I want to get her the help she needs. If it’s all that I ever do, to help her get through this, I’m fine with that. But she trusts me. She loves me.”

Rian swallows and loses eye contact with me for a long moment. I want to think that what I said will make some kind of sense to her, that it might wake her up enough to understand that she has seriously misjudged the situation. That she’s wrong. I meant every word I said to Bray when I sat in front of her on the floor of the convenience store that day, when she held that gun underneath her chin. I would die for her or with her. That day in the store, tomorrow, a year from now. I will still die for her or with her if it ever comes down to it. Two people can love each other so much that not even death can separate them, but I will never believe that two people can love each other too much. Bray may feel like she can’t live without me, and I feel the same way, but when it comes down to it, when a person commits suicide seemingly over another person, it’s never only about that person, about losing them. There’s always a plethora of underlining issues that would cause someone to take their own life. And a single person is never to blame.