Surprise Me

‘Yes!’ yells Tessa, predictably. ‘Me!’

‘Me!’ wails Anna. ‘Me!’

Mummy sets the gadget up on the counter, grabs a carrot and feeds it through an aperture. We all watch speechlessly as it turns into tiny teddy-bear shapes.

‘Teddies!’ the girls gasp. ‘Teddy carrots!’

Typical. I might have known she’d get the girls onside. But I’m going to be firm.

‘I think we’ve got too many gadgets already,’ I say sorrowfully. ‘It does look good, though.’

‘A study has shown that owning a Vegetable Creator leads to thirty per cent more vegetable consumption in children,’ says Mummy brightly.

Rubbish! What ‘study’? I’m not going to challenge her, though, or she’ll start quoting some stream of made-up figures from the Vegetable Creator Real Proper Lab with Real Scientists.

‘Quite a lot of waste,’ I observe. ‘Look at all those bits of carrots left over.’

‘Put them in soup,’ Mummy retorts like a shot. ‘So nutritious. Shall we try making cucumber stars, girls?’

I’m not buying it. I know I’m her only customer, but I’m still not buying it. Resolutely I turn away and search for a change of subject.

‘So, what else is up with you, Mummy?’ I say. I head across to her little pinboard and survey the notices and tickets pinned there. ‘Oh, a Zumba class. That looks fun.’

‘All the unused pieces collect in this handy receptacle …’ Mummy is still doggedly continuing with her pitch.

‘Oh, Through the High Maze,’ I exclaim, seeing a hardback book on the counter. ‘We did that at my book group. What did you think? A bit hard-going, I thought.’

Truth be told, I actually only read about half of Through the High Maze, even though it’s one of those books that everyone has read and is going to be a movie, apparently. It’s by this woman called Joss Burton who overcame her eating disorder to set up a perfume company called Maze (that’s the play on words). She’s stunning, with cropped dark hair and a trademark white streak. And her perfumes are really good, especially the Amber and Rose. Now she hosts events where she tells business people how to succeed, and I suppose it is quite inspirational – but there’s only so much inspiration you can take, I find.

Whenever I read about these super-inspiring people, I start off all admiring and end up thinking: Oh God, why haven’t I trekked across the desert or overcome crippling childhood poverty? I’m totally crap.

Mummy hasn’t responded to my gambit – but on the plus side, she’s paused in her chat about the chopper, so I quickly carry on the conversation.

‘You’re going to the theatre!’ I exclaim, seeing tickets pinned up. ‘Dealer’s Choice. That’s the one about gambling, isn’t it? Are you going with Lorna? You could get a meal deal beforehand.’

There’s still complete silence from Mummy, which surprises me – and as I look round I blink in shock. What did I say? What’s up? Her hands have frozen still and there’s an odd expression on her face, as though her smile has been petrified in acid. As I watch, she glances at the window and starts blinking, very fast.

Oh shit. Obviously I’ve strayed on to another ‘wrong’ topic. But what, exactly? The theatre? Dealer’s Choice? Surely not. I glance at Dan for help, and to my astonishment, he seems frozen, too. His jaw has tensed and his eyes are alert. He glances at Mummy. Then at me.

What? What’s this all about? Did I miss the memo?

‘Anyway!’ says Mummy, and I can tell she’s pulling herself together with an almighty effort. ‘Enough of this. You must all be hungry. I’ll just tidy up a little …’

She starts sweeping things off the counter with an indiscriminate air: the Vegetable Creator, a load of Tupperware which was out (no doubt to store her vegetable creations) and the copy of Through the High Maze. She dumps them all in her tiny utility room, then returns, her face even more pink than before.

‘Buck’s Fizz?’ she says, almost shrilly. ‘Dan, you’d like a Buck’s Fizz, I’m sure. Shall we go through to the drawing room?’

I’m baffled. Isn’t she even going to try to sell me the chopper thing? She seems to have been utterly derailed, and I can’t work out why.

I follow her through to the drawing room, where champagne and orange juice in ice buckets are waiting on the walnut Art Deco cocktail cabinet. (Daddy was very big on cocktails. When he had his sixtieth birthday party, almost everyone who came bought him a cocktail shaker as a present. It was quite funny.)

Dan opens the champagne and Mummy makes the Buck’s Fizz and the girls rush over to the big dolls’ house by the window. It’s all just like normal – except it isn’t. Something weird happened just now.

Mummy is asking Dan lots of questions about his work, one after another – almost as though she’s desperate not to let any gaps into the conversation. She swigs her entire drink, pours herself another (Dan and I have barely begun on ours), then flashes me a bright smile and says, ‘I’ll make some pancakes in a moment.’

‘Girls, come and wash your hands,’ I call to them, and lead them into Mummy’s powder room, where they have the usual fight to go first and squirt far too much Molton Brown soap everywhere. Tessa’s hair has become a wild tangle, and I go into the kitchen to get my hairbrush from my bag. On the way back, I glance into the drawing room and see something that makes me slow down … then stop altogether.

Mummy and Dan are standing close together, talking in low voices. And I can’t help it – I inch forward, staying out of view.

‘… Sylvie finds out now …’ Dan is saying, and my stomach flips over. They’re talking about me!

Mummy replies in such a quiet voice, I can’t hear her – but I don’t need to. I know what this is. Now I get it. It’s one of Dan’s surprises for me! They’re planning something!

The last thing I want is Dan thinking that I’m eavesdropping, so I hurriedly head back to the safety of the powder room. It’s a surprise. What kind of surprise? Then it hits me. Are Dan and I going to see Dealer’s Choice? That would explain Mummy’s frozen expression. She probably pinned the tickets up on her board, not thinking, and I went and blundered in, asking her about them.

OK, from now on, I’m noticing nothing untoward. Nothing.

I tidy Tessa’s hair and then lead the girls back into the hall, and my gaze falls on the massive framed photo of Daddy which sits on the hall table like a sentinel. My handsome, dapper, charming father. Killed while he was still in his prime. Before he had a chance to really know his grandchildren, write that book, enjoy his retirement …

I can’t help it, I’m starting to breathe harder. My fists are clenching. I know I need to let it go, and I know they never proved whether he was using his phone or not, but I will hate Gary Butler forever. Forever.

That’s the name of the lorry driver who killed Daddy on the M6. Gary Butler. (He was never prosecuted in the end. Lack of evidence.) At the height of my ‘bad time’, as I think of it, I found his address and went and stood outside his house. I didn’t do anything, just stood there. But apparently you’re not supposed to stand outside people’s houses for no reason, or write them letters, and his wife felt ‘threatened’. (By me? What a joke.) Dan had to come and find me and talk me into leaving. That’s when everyone got alarmed and gathered in corners, murmuring, ‘Sylvie’s not coping well.’