Sweet Fall

I didn’t know whether it was the tone of his voice or the serious look on his face, but nerves wracked my body and I held my breath in anticipation.

Austin lowered his head, his lips almost meeting mine, and confessed, “Ti amo, Pix. Ti amo tantissimo.”

“You… you love me?” I asked, still in shock.

Austin nodded. “More than the stars in the sky.”

I felt like fireworks exploded in my chest and, finding strength to lift my shaking hand, I laid it on his rough stubble and whispered back, “I love you too, Austin. I love you too.”

Austin pressed his lips against mine and feathered kisses on my mouth. Pulling back, he said, “I need you to get better, Pix. I need you, period. And you’ve been scaring the shit outta me for the past few days.”

I could only stare.

“You’re beautiful, Pix. And I think we’d be pretty f**kin’ beautiful together. I know I’ve f**ked up. But the dealing’s done with. I see that now. Axel has taken off, and I swear I’ll get Levi out of the Heighters if it’s the last thing I do.”

Bringing my palm to his cheek, I whispered, “This is your redemption, Austin. Your chance to get out… And I want you more than life itself.”

Tears filled his eyes, and he said, “You gotta start eating, Pix.”

I didn’t answer because I didn’t know if I could promise him that.

“Because I keep having this dream. This f**kin’ dream that feels too real to be just an illusion, to be something that can never come true.”

My pulse began to race. “What… what happens in this dream?”

Austin pressed kisses to my hand and said, “There’s you and me. We’re on a beach somewhere, living near the water. You’re laughing so hard, so free. You’re healthy. Strong. And we have three f**kin’ kids. All of them with dark hair and eyes. They’re running around splashing in the water as I hold you in my arms, watching them. I feel you laughing against my chest, and not the fake shit you put on show for your friends. It’s real happy laughter, laughter from your heart.”

“Austin…” I trailed off, seeing the dream so vividly in my mind, my emotions jumping all over the place.

“Pix, I’ve never let myself think like this before. To be honest, I never thought I’d live beyond my teens.” Austin pressed his lips against my palm… his face desperate for me to listen, to want the dream too. “But you made me want more. From life. From a God I thought had deserted me. From myself. You made me believe there could be more out there than just drug running and guns. So you can’t die, Pix. ’Cause I really want that f**kin’ dream to come true. I really need it to come true.”

I wanted to assure him, tell him it was all going to be okay, but I just couldn’t move on with my future until I conquered the demons from my past.

“Baby?” Austin whispered. “I love you.”

“Austin… is my purse in here?”

Austin frowned at my random question but looked around the room for my purse. Standing, he retrieved it from the vanity and brought it to my bed.

“Open it,” I instructed. Austin did as I asked, and I said, “Go in the zipper compartment.” Again, he did, and I knew he felt the picture when his eyebrows lifted in interest.

Austin sat on the edge of the bed and pulled out the old picture. I slowly saw the recognition on his face. His eyes drifted to meet mine.

“This is you?”

Trying to stop my wobbling lip, I nodded. “I was sixteen. It was taken at cheer camp a month before I became ill. Before anorexia came into my life and began to rip me apart.” I took a deep breath. “That was me before the war paint. Before I hid myself away from the world.”

Austin ran his finger over the crinkled old photograph. “You’re a natural blond.”

“Yeah. I was your stereotypical cheerleader. Blond, tanned and peppy. Perfect makeup, A-grade student. The whole nine yards.”

Austin leaned forward and ran his hand over my hair. “You were cute as a blond, Pix, but I kinda prefer the black. You know I love the alt look.”

Heart racing and pulse throbbing, I asked, “I suppose you think that girl is prettier than the one you see now, huh?”

Austin took the photograph and put it back in my purse, and in doing so, put my past to bed. Taking my hand in his, he said, “Now that’s where you’re wrong. You’re always beautiful to me, Pix. Nothing you do will ever change that. Short, tall, fat, thin, blond, brunette… just as long as it’s you, as long as the real you shines through.”