Sweet Fall

Christ! I couldn’t like this chick. She was too much of a liability.

Just as Lexi reached the door, a question came to mind. For some reason I just needed to know the answer to it.

“Hey, Lexi?”

She turned to face me. “Yeah?”

“Why the war paint?” I gestured to her made-up face.

Adopting a stony expression, she simply replied, “Why the tattoos?” She pointed back at my inked arms and neck.

We both said nothing and stared at one another for what could have been an eternity. I could see in her eyes that the dark makeup was her shield. Just like my tattoos were mine, but neither of us were gonna admit to it.

Lexi sighed and laid her hand on her chest over her heart. “We all have secrets, Austin. Some people’s are bigger than others, that’s all. Wouldn’t you agree?”

My lack of response said it all.

Yeah. Yeah, I f**kin’ would.

Chapter Ten

Lexi

One month later…

Dear Daisy,

Weight: 96lbs

Calories: 1500

I saw myself on TV today, cheering for the Tide.

I couldn’t believe it was me.

When I look in the mirror, I see the flaws in the girl looking back. But seeing myself on screen had me almost recoiling in disgust. I looked so big, Daisy, too big. And I can’t get the image out of my mind.

I need to be more toned.

I need to just cut back on food… just for a while… just so I look good on the field. I’ve lost a couple of pounds, but it’s still not enough.

I counted my ribs today. I could only count six. It’s all I can focus on. I can’t purge it from my mind.

Six. Six. Six.

And worse, Ally hugged me today, and I swear she thought I felt fat. It’s like I can’t bear people touching me anymore. The hugs will have to stop or I’m going to lose my mind. No one can touch me until I’ve lost more weight.

I’m still successfully playing my role of the fun-loving friend. None of my friends are suspicious. My secret’s still safe.

Just a few pounds, Daisy, and then everything will be all right.

“And do you think of Daisy much?”

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block out the pain of my best friend’s death.

“Lexi. Answer the question,” Dr. Lund pushed.

Nodding my head, I replied, “Yes. I think of her all the time.”

“And what do you think of?” I could hear Dr. Lund scribbling on his clipboard, making notes on what I had to say.

“I think of how she would always smile despite the fact that she was dying inside. I think of how whenever I was down, she was there for me to talk to… to pick me back up.” Tears welled in my eyes and I said, “And I think about her final minutes as she held my hand and quietly slipped away, but not before begging me to not succumb to the disorder too. To not… die too.”

“Do you ever envy how thin she got?”

Every part of me tensed, and I kept my gaze on the floor. “Yes…” I whispered. “I envy that she reached perfection. She hit her ideal weight.”

Dr. Lund put his clipboard on the desk beside him and leaned forward, his hands in a steeple clasp. “Lexi. Do you understand that her severe weight loss was what killed her? That her heart failed under the strain?”

“Yes, I understand that. But you asked me if I envied how thin she got. And I do. I envy her final weight.”

“Have you been having any unhealthy thoughts about your weight of late? Anything we should discuss?”

I shook my head and began picking at my nails. “No. I’ve been good.”

Now, Lexington, you are lying. And to your doctor, no less. You know you are allowing me in more. You are giving me control. What is it you have lost in the last few weeks? A couple of pounds? I am here with you as you stand on the scale, rejoicing at your achievement. All you have to do is give me the reins… Give me the control… You can be like her…

My fingers began to ache, and when I looked down, they were gripping the arms of my chair. My knuckles were white with tension.

Lexington, give me control… Lexington, let me in… Lexington, just a few pounds more…

“Lexi?” a deep voice sounded beside me, pulling me back to reality.

I followed the sound of the voice and my stomach immediately dropped. “Dr. Lund,” I said, remembering where I was: counseling.

“You’ve lost some weight,” Dr. Lund said directly. “You are losing concentration more, and I’m beginning to worry.”