Sweet Fall
My eyes filled with tears when he added, “And what I really don’t need is shit from you about it! I haven’t called you because I’m trying to protect you. I’m trying to protect everyone! Christ!”
“Austin…” I trailed off and ran my hand down his cheek. He immediately closed his eyes and found comfort in my touch.
“Pix, please. Trust me. I’m trying to protect you. Even if you don’t see it.”
His eyes opened and I asked, “Have you thought about football? What you’re risking?” When Austin just stared at me blankly, I really started to panic. There was no emotion, no fight, nothing, just numbness.
“Austin! Your football!”
He sighed. “I couldn’t give a shit about football no more. I’ll get the Tide the championship trophy, but all my focus is on Mamma and her medical bills now, not the f**kin’ NFL!”
“But your Momma wants you to do well in football, and Levi—”
Austin met me toe to toe and placed his hands on my shoulders. “Levi, right now, is lying in his bed, beat to shit because he got made to go on the drive-by because I chose to take you home. My fourteen-year-old brother got sliced with a knife across his stomach because I chose to go with you rather than do my duty to my family and stay with them myself!”
I felt sick. Levi was knifed? And… and…
“You regret making love to me,” I whispered, and Austin’s eyes that were staring at the brick pathway snapped to mine.
His face contorted, and he suddenly cupped my cheeks with his hands. “Pix, f**k… no, I don’t regret making love to you. How could I? My head’s just f**ked up. Everything’s going so wrong and I don’t know how to f**kin’ deal with it all. I’m trying to do what’s best for everyone.”
I couldn’t say anything. The voice in my mind began his torturous taunts. He does regret it, Lexington. He just cannot tell you to your face. You know the truth. You disgust him.
“Pix!” Austin shouted, and my eyes fixed on his. I was breathless with panic and starting to feel faint.
That is because you have successful been eating only four hundred calories a day, exercising nonstop. We are winning, Lexington. This boy is deterring your success. Forget him. Listen to me. We are reaching perfection.
“Pix! Fuck! Look at me. Don’t go there. Don’t you dare go there right now! I can’t deal with that too! I’m trying to keep you safe. Please. I’m trying to take away any threat.”
“I repulse you,” I whispered knowingly, ignoring his words, my eyes filling with water. “That’s why you’ve ignored me lately. Even at the SEC Championship game this week, you barely looked my way.”
“No! No, I was just trying to deal with all this shit. The game was televised and I knew the Heighters were watching. I didn’t want anyone from the crew seeing me with you. I don’t want you to be a target for any of the dealing shit, Lex!”
“Carillo! Carillo, you out here?” a hushed voice sounded.
The hands cupping my face froze on my cheeks, and Austin’s teeth gritted together. Someone was coming.
Austin lowered his mouth to my ear. “Stay here. I’ll be back in a second.” I pushed back as far into the hedge as I could go.
Austin left our hiding spot and put his back to me, protecting me from view.
“Carillo, I’ve been looking for you,” that same deep voice said.
“What do you want, Porter?” Austin asked.
Chris Porter? Wide receiver Chris Porter?
“I want some coke. Heard on the grapevine you’re the guy to see.”
“You heard wrong,” Austin said coolly and then added, “and what you wanting coke for? You get tested before the National Championship and you lose any chance of being drafted.”
“Quit bitchin’, Carillo. I ain’t that dumb. I want it for the after party.”
“Ain’t happening, Porter.”
I heard the shuffle of feet and hands slapping on a chest. “Fuck you, Carillo! Fuck. You!”
Everything went silent, and then Austin reappeared. As I regarded him in the light of an old-fashioned lamp, I saw how tired he looked, how stressed. Feeling an overwhelming sense of empathy for him, I moved forward. “Austin—”
“Lexi. This, us, it has to end.” He interrupted.
I felt as though someone hit my back with a baseball bat and cracked open my chest, ruining my heart.
Austin’s eyes grew shiny and he ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t think you know how much I wish it was different. But my life’s f**ked up and I’m too far back into the crew to get out. You can’t be with someone like me, Pix. I’ll ruin your f**kin’ life. You might let that happen, but I won’t. I won’t be like my daddy, running my girl through a shit show of a life.”