Sweet Soul

Levi’s request caused the blood to drain from my face. The pod stilled, swinging in the wind, and I fidgeted on my seat.

I wanted to get out. I needed to get out, but I was trapped. Desperate for space, I tried to move back on my seat, but Levi held tight, refusing to let me go.

“I get it,” he whispered softly. Pain sliced through my heart at the sadness in his tone. He was disappointed. I concentrated on breathing when he said, “I wouldn’t ever judge you. I just want you to know that if you ever wanted to speak, I’d be ready to listen. I’m waiting to listen. I… I told you my biggest fears because I think this is yours. I wanted you to know that you’re not alone, that I have crippling fears too.” I shook my head, pure panic keeping me still. Levi inched closer. Removing my hand from his face he held it to his chest.

Over his heart.

“I don’t know why you don’t speak, you might not want to say. But I like you, Elsie. I more than like you. You’re the only girl I’ve ever been able to speak to.” He took a deep breath. “And I’d love to know you more.” He shook his head, his gaze softening just a touch. “I’ve read your words on paper, Elsie. And your poem slayed me.” He paused. I watched his beautiful face redden as he searched for words to say. His free hand raked through his fair hair, and his heart raced under my hand. “I’d love to hear some words from your lips too.” I hated seeing him so torn. I hated seeing him so upset, struggling with baring his soul, to explain why he wanted me to speak.

Hide your voice, baby girl. Protect your heart…

My mom’s words circled my head, taunting me and stealing my voice. She’d warned me all my life that people would make fun. She’d warned me that they’d laugh, that I’d always be misunderstood.

And she was right. Unbearably right.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and the scars on my wrists itched as though awakened by my dark thoughts. Whether I wanted to or not, the painful memories flooded my head and I squeezed my eyes shut. Annabelle’s vicious ghost took the reins…

Creeping into the room, I prayed she was asleep. The lights were off as I snuck toward my bed, but before I reached it, a hard hand pushed me back against the wall. I cried out silently as my back hit the wall, and Annabelle’s narrowed eyes bored into mine.

“So you do speak?” she said tauntingly and I closed my eyes to escape the bitterness in her stare. I didn’t reply, too ashamed that she’d heard me speak, heard me speak when I was made to by the house leader at dinner. Made to speak in front of all the girls in the house, the girls that had been hurting me for weeks and weeks.

Annabelle’s fingers cut into the skin of my arms until my eyes snapped open and she smiled. I stared at her cruel smile and felt all the blood drain from my face. “At least I know why you choose to write down your questions and notes, dumbfuck, because your voice is pathetic. I wouldn’t speak either if I sounded like you. If my voice sounded as stupid and as embarrassing as that.”

Hot tears scalded my eyes, threatening to fall, but I pushed them back. Annabelle laughed again, then let me go. I caught my breath as she moved back to her bed. I stayed against the wall as she lifted the comforter over her body and rolled toward the wall.

Making my shaking legs move, I began going to my bed, when she said, “Don’t speak around me again. Your voice cuts through me like nails on a blackboard. It’s the worst sound I’ve ever heard. Stay mute and dumb, no one should be subjected to that fucking nasty sound. For a minute, I wished I was deaf when you opened your retarded mouth and spoke.”

This time, unable to keep them held back, my tears streamed down my face. But Annabelle never saw as I crawled into my bed. Crawled into my bed and buried my head in my pillow. I let my sadness flow out, because I knew that tomorrow she’d start all over again. Tearing me apart, strip by strip, inch by inch, piece by piece…

Levi took me from the memory when he dropped his forehead to mine. The minute I felt his touch, he helped me breathe, slowly freeing my mind of the echoes of their taunts.

His warm palm pressed against my cheek, the gesture bringing me peace. He would have no idea why, but that touch was my heart and my soul, that familiar hand on my cheek and his forehead pressed to mine.

Closing my eyes, I searched for a reason not to trust Levi, but I could find none. He’d shown me charity and compassion. He’d shown me kindness and a pure heart. But Annabelle’s words were burned in my heart, my fear too deep and too strong to defeat.

“Elsie,” he whispered again. “You can talk to me. You can open up to me. I swear you are safe with me.”

Tethering myself to any shred of courage I could find, I pushed Levi’s face to stay just an inch from mine, and pointed at my mouth. “I’m afraid to speak,” I mouthed, knowing he watched my every word.

“Why?” he asked.

I moved my hand to point at my ear, tears building in my eyes. Tapping my left ear, the ear that could hear no sound, I mouthed, “I sound,” I paused, making sure he could see, “different to,” I pointed at his chest, “you.”

Levi’s eyebrows were lowered, but as I mouthed this sentence, understanding dawned on his face. “I don’t care,” he replied, nothing but honestly in voice.

His understanding, his complete understanding caused tears to tumble down my cheeks. Everyone cared. They cared when my mom spoke, and they laughed in her face. And Annabelle, those other girls, they cared too.

“Elsie, Please,” Levi pushed again, “just say my name… just say, anything to me.”

Silence filled the pod, the lights from the city twinkling below where we sat. My eyes dropped down, to hide from what he might say, but I forced myself to open my mouth, and I let his name quietly pass my lips. “Levi.”

He froze as the sound of my strange voice filled our little space. Shame and embarrassment completely took me in their hold.

It’s the worst sound I’ve ever heard. Stay mute and dumb, no one should be subjected to that fucking nasty sound… I squeezed my eyes shut as I heard that spiteful voice again. I tried to pull away, but Levi held tight. He wouldn’t let me go. My eyes opened, to beg him to give me space, but all I saw staring back were glossy gray eyes… and a beautiful face, filled with… pride.

Pride for me?

He was… proud of me?