Temporary Bliss (Bliss #1)(44)
Author: B.J. Harvey

And with tears in my eyes, I turn away from him and commence the walk of shame.

Chapter 21 – “When I Grow Up”

“He said what?” Kate asks when I see her at home later than morning.

I shrug, not trusting myself to say anything else without losing the fragile hold I have on my emotions right now. As it is, I’ve had to bite my lip a few times since I woke up to stop myself from crying.

I’m not a crier, but something broke inside me last night. Drunk or not, a booty call to Daniel was the last thing I thought I’d do, but yesterday was too much. Seeing him with Nikki made me jealous as hell, then when Zander kissed me at the bar, I was not in the right head space to deal with it. So I went to the place I felt safe, the place I truly wanted to be, with my Superman.

“So what happened?” she asks with a frown, snapping me out of my thoughts. One of Kate’s most endearing qualities is that she is fiercely protective of her friends, and especially me.

“I’m not exactly sure, because I am hung over and last night’s events are still kind of hazy. But I turned up on his doorstep drunk, then he made me talk. I told him about Beau, and why I haven’t wanted a relationship until now, and proceeded to throw up all over his bathroom before falling asleep in his shower. I woke up later in his bed, and I jumped him.”

“You jumped him? While you were still drunk? Mac!”

“It was more than just sex. We made love, like full on emotional connection, heart palpitations, the ‘L word on the tip of my tongue’ kind of sex. Hell, he told me he loved me, and I burst into tears!”

She gets up from the breakfast bar in the kitchen and walks over to me, sitting down beside me on the couch before wrapping her arms around me. And I lose it. I let it all out, my confusion, my heart ache, everything I’d been holding in for a good few years. “Hon, it is going to be alright. But you gotta admit, you do keep running and closing yourself off to him.”

“Seriously? You’re siding with him?” I ask her, pulling back and looking at her through my now red puffy eyes. A broken heart and a hangover. This day is going to suck.

“Mac, c’mon, he’s just trying to protect himself,” she replied, and suddenly it all made sense to me.

I knew what I had to do to get past this speed bump, this love life road block. I just hope I still get the chance to be with Daniel at the end of all this.

It’s been three weeks since I left Daniel’s apartment. After I poured my heart out to him and admitted my feelings. Since we made love for the first time and since I ran from him, again.

He hasn’t tried to contact me. Not that I expected him to. Given that the last thing he said to me was “I’m getting sick of watching you walk away,” it’s no surprise he’s been MIA. In the meantime, I’ve been focusing on the important things, like work, home, and most of all, looking at things I need to deal with in order to truly move forward.

I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck in no man’s land, and not of the drunken variety. I can’t return to my old habits, that much is obvious. I don’t want to date anybody else, let alone sleep with anyone other than Daniel. He is the one I want. But how can I prove that to him when I keep running in the opposite direction? I need to give myself to him without freaking out. For God’s sake, he’s not another Beau Gregory. Why can’t I trust it and him?

In order to fully commit to Daniel and our relationship, I must be sure there are absolutely no reservations. I owe him that much.

So that’s what I’ve been doing for the past few weeks. Focusing on work, going to the gym, and spending time at home. At Kate’s urging, I’ve also written a list of people I need to see, and issues I need deal with.

The first three people on the list are Noah, Sean and Zander. I need to talk with each of them and end the ‘benefits.’ It was fun while it lasted, but I can’t keep having casual f**k buddies if I want to commit to someone, to Daniel. And it hasn’t been that hard for me. I haven’t slept with any of them since I first met Daniel on the train three months ago, Daniel gave me everything I wanted and needed in that department.

My logic is that by escaping the habits of my past, I might be able to see the future more clearly and not be so afraid of it.

That’s the theory anyway, and Kate agrees. She’s totally on board with this plan on mine.

First up is Sean.

Mac: Can you come over to my place, I need to talk to you.

Sean: Sounds ominous considering I’ve never been to your place.

Mac: Not ominous, just need to talk.

Sean: Sure thing, baby doll. Everything okay?

Mac: It will be. Talk when you get here.

That was an hour ago. True to form, and on time, I hear him knock at the door.

“Hi,” I say meekly when I open the door. He looks as formidable and domineering as ever. His 6 ft. 2 frame fills the door frame with ease, but what really gets me is the concern in his eyes. There’s none of the heat that normally fills me with longing. He’s frowning, and he looks worried. Mr. Dom is never worried.

“Come in.” I gesture as he steps inside, turning to close the door behind us. It’s Saturday afternoon, and Kate has a late client, so we have the house to ourselves. Despite all of my dramas, I’ve noticed she’s been acting a bit strange since that night I left her at the bar with Zander. Whenever I ask her about it, she brushes me off and changes the subject. Very unlike her, but I’ve yet to call her out on it because I’ve been too focused on working out the mess that is now my love life.

“Would you like a drink or something? I’ve got a nice red in here somewhere,” I ask, walking towards the kitchen.

“That would be great, Mac.” He seems uncomfortable, so not Sean’s way. “So what’s wrong, baby doll? You in need of my services?”

I choke and start coughing, looking up at him in disbelief. “What?”

“I mean legal services, Mac, not the other kind. Although, if you ask me, you do look like you need a little action.” That sexy grin of his makes an appearance, but I realize that it’s not having the desired effect. There’s no heat, no warmth, no slutty devil on my shoulder telling me to submit.

“As tempting as that is, I can’t. I wanted to talk to you face to face, to explain that I can’t do this anymore.” Shit! This is harder than I thought.

I see his eyes widen in recognition, then a quick puzzled look before he recovers. “You’ve found someone.” His eyes soften as a sly smile grows over his lips.