The Awakening

We are very definitely together. Now I just have to find a way to explain all this to Jean-Claude. Ha-ha.

What I don’t understand is why Stefan isn’t as happy about it as I am. When we’re with each other I can feel how he feels, and I know how much he wants me, how much he cares. There’s an almost desperate hunger inside him when he kisses me, as if he wants to pull the soul out of my body. Like a black hole that.

Still October 7, now about 2:00 p.m.

Will, a little break there because Miss Halperncaught me. She even started to read what I’d written out loud, but then I think the subject matter steamed her glasses up and she stopped. She was Not Amused. I’m too happy to care about minor things like flunking trigonometry.

Stefan and I had lunch together, or at least we went off into a corner of the field and sat down with my lunch. He didn’t even bother to bring anything, and of course as it turned out I couldn’t eat either. We didn’t touch each other much-we didn’t-but we talked and looked at each other a lot. I want to touch him. More than any boy I’ve ever known. And I know he wants it, too, but he’s holding back on me. That’s what I can’t understand, why he’s fighting this, why he’s holding back. Yesterday in his room I found proof positive that he’s been watching me from the beginning. You remember how I told you that on the second day of school Bonnie and Meredith and I were in the cemetery? Well, yesterday in Stefan’s room I found the apricot ribbon I was wearing that day. I remember it falling out of my hand while I was running, and he must have picked it up and kept it. I haven’t told him I know, because he obviously wants to keep it a secret, but that shows, doesn’t it, that he cares about me? 

I’ll tell you someone else who is Not Amused. Caroline. Apparently she’s been dragging him off into the photography room for lunch every day, and when he didn’t show up today she went searching until she found us. Poor Stefan, he’d forgotten about her completely, and he was shocked at himself Once she left-a nasty unhealthy shade of green, I might add-he told me how she’d attached herself to him the first week of school. She said she’d noticed he didn’t really eat at lunch and she didn’t either since she was on a diet, and why didn’t they go someplace quiet and relax? He wouldn’t really say anything bad about her (which I think is his idea of manners again, a gentleman doesn’t do that), but he did say there was nothing at all between them. And for Caroline I think being forgotten was worse than if he’d thrown rocks at her.

I wonder why Stefan hasn’t been eating lunch, though. It’s strange in a football player.

Uh-oh. Mr. Tanner just walked by and I slammed my note pad over this diary just in time. Bonnie is snickering behind her history book, I can see her shoulders shaking. And Stefan, who’s in front of me, looks as tense as if he’s going to leap out of his chair any minute. Matt is giving me "you nut" looks and Caroline is glaring. I am being very, very innocent, writing with my eyes fixed on Tanner up front. So if this is a bit wobbly and messy, you’ll understand why.

For the last month, I haven’t really been myself. I haven’t been able to think clearly or concentrate on anything but Stefan. There is so much I’ve left undone that I’m almost scared. I’m supposed to be in charge of decorations for the Haunted House and I haven’t done one thing about it yet Now I’ve got exactly three and a half weeks to get it organized-and I want to be with Stefan.

I could quit the committee. But that would leave Bonnie and Meredith holding the bag. And I keep remembering what Matt said when I asked him to get Stefan to come to the dance: "You want everybody and everything revolving around Elena Gilbert." 

That isn’t true. Or at least, if it has been in the past, I’m not going to let it be true anymore. I want-oh, this is going to sound completely stupid, but I want to be worthy of Stefan. I know he wouldn’t let the guys on the team down just to suit his own convenience. I want him to be proud of me.

I want him to love me as much as I love him.

"Hurry up!" called Bonnie from the doorway of the gym. Beside her the high school janitor, Mr. Shelby, stood waiting.

Elena cast one last glance at the distant figures on the football field, then reluctantly crossed the blacktop to join Bonnie.

"I just wanted to tell Stefan where I was going," she said. After a week of being with Stefan, she still felt a thrill of excitement just saying his name. Every night this week he’d come to her house, appearing at the door around sunset, hands in pockets, wearing his jacket with the collar turned up. They usually took a walk in the dusk, or sat on the porch, talking. Although nothing was said about it, Elena knew it was Stefan’s way of making sure they weren’t alone together in private. Since the night of the dance, he’d made sure of that. Protecting her honor, Elena thought wryly, and with a pang, because she knew in her heart that there was more to it than that.

"He can live without you for one evening," said Bonnie callously. "If you get talking to him you’ll never get away, and I’dlike to get home in time for some kind of dinner." 

"Hello, Mr. Shelby," said Elena to the janitor, who was still patiently waiting. To her surprise, he closed one eye in a solemn wink at her. "Where’s Meredith?" she added.

"Here," said a voice behind her, and Meredith appeared with a cardboard box of file folders and note pads in her arms. "I’ve got the stuff from your locker." 

"Is that all of you?" said Mr. Shelby. "All right, now, you gals leave the door shut and locked, you hear? That way nobody can get in." 

Bonnie, about to enter, pulled up short.

"You’re sure there’s nobodyalready in?" she said warily.

Elena gave her a push between the shoulder blades. "Hurry up," she mimicked unkindly. "I want to get home in time for dinner."