The Ending I Want

I feel Liam’s hand curl around mine. I bring my eyes to him.

“You ready to meet Carrick Ryan?” He grins.

“Yeah.” I smile. But I don’t really feel it. For some reason, I feel a little sad right now.

“Carrick, Andi,” Bernie greets them, already on his feet. He kisses Andi on the cheek and then shakes Carrick’s hand. “How are you and the baby doing?” Bernie asks Andi.

My eyes follow down and see a tiny baby bump.

She’s having a baby.

Another thing I’ll never get to experience. But then, even if I were to have a full life, I wouldn’t be able to have a baby because I’m infertile. The radiation therapy from the first tumor saw to that. But I did have some of my eggs frozen. So, if I did live, then I could have a baby…

But I’m not going to live, so I need to stop thinking that way.

God, what the hell is wrong with me?

Stop the pity party, and cheer the hell up. You’re about to meet Carrick Ryan.

“Really well. Thanks, Bernie.” Andi doesn’t have an English accent like Liam’s or Bernie’s. Andi’s sounds different, like there’s a hint of something else in there. She smiles at Bernie, pressing her hand to her stomach and lovingly rubbing it.

Carrick’s hand covers hers. She smiles up into his face.

She looks radiant. Happy. Baby glow.

Pang of envy hits me again. Harder this time.

Stop it.

“She won’t slow down though, no matter how much I tell her to,” Carrick says to Bernie, his Irish lilt standing out. “She’s still insisting on helping out in the garage.”

I’ve never heard the Irish accent in real life before. Got to say, it’s awesome.

“I sit on a stool and watch the guys because he won’t let me do anything else,” Andi tells Bernie, humor clear in her voice.

“My wife would’ve worked right up to the day she gave birth if I’d let her,” Bernie tells Carrick.

“What did your wife do?” Andi asks.

“She was a veterinarian. Loved animals—more than me sometimes, I think.” Bernie chuckles.

I didn’t know Bernie’s wife was a veterinarian.

Liam gets up from his seat and tugs me up with him by the hand. We make our way around the table to Bernie, Carrick, and Andi.

“Carrick, good to see you again.” Liam shakes his hand. “You ready for the race?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Carrick says.

Liam’s voice sounds different.

Is that…a hint of excitement I hear in his voice?

The only time I’ve ever heard Liam excited is when he’s about to fuck me or come.

I know Liam loves the Prix, and I know he’s met Carrick before, quite a few times. But I guess if you idolize a sport, you idolize the sportsmen who make it what it is, no matter who you are.

And I know for a fact that, if this were me meeting Jake again, I’d be just as freaked out as I was the first time I met him.

“Andi, lovely to see you again.” Liam kisses her on the cheek in greeting.

“You, too.” She smiles at him.

I feel another hit of jealousy.

I don’t know why.

What the hell is up with me right now?

I need to sort myself out, stat.

“Carrick, Andi, this is Taylor,” Liam introduces, putting his arm around my waist.

“Hi.” I smile. “It’s really nice to meet you both.”

“American.” Andi smiles.

She really is pretty. Like supermodel pretty.

And she has a husband who clearly adores her, and she’s going to have a baby and a long life.

Stop it.

“Guilty as charged.” I smile again.

“I love America.” Andi tells me. “Whereabouts are you from?”

“Boston.”

“Oh, I’ve never been to Boston. Would love to go though.”

“Then, I’ll take you,” Carrick says to her.

She turns her face to his and smiles at him. He smiles back at her.

It’s a secret smile, one filled with love and adoration and memories of time shared that only they know about.

You can feel the love flowing between them. Like a living, breathing entity.

And it’s immensely bothering me for some reason.

I have the sudden urge to cry.

“If you’ll excuse me, I just need to use the restroom,” I say to everyone. But, for some reason, I can’t bring myself to look directly at Liam.

I slip out of Liam’s hold, but he catches my wrist as I start to move away.

I force my eyes to his face, and pain pierces my chest.

Why is it hurting me to look at him?

“You okay, babe?” he asks softly.

His eyes are burning into mine. And there’s concern in his. I can see it clearly.

My discomfort must be obvious.

I force a smile. “I’m fine. Just need to pee.”

“You’ve been quiet. Do you have a headache coming on?”

“No, nothing like that. I’m fine.” I give another smile.

He stares at me for a long moment and then finally says, “Okay. I’ll be here, waiting for you when you get back.”

He releases my arm, and I make my exit, heading straight for the restroom.

I go into a stall and lock the door behind me. I sit down on the toilet.

I don’t need to pee. It was just an excuse because I needed to get out of there. I was meeting Carrick Ryan, and all I wanted to do was run away.

Because I felt like I was suffocating in that room.

I was envious. Jealous even. Of the way Carrick looks at Andi. Of their clear and visible love for one another. The baby growing inside her stomach.