The Gamble
“Yes.”
He took a step closer. I stepped back.
He stopped and whispered, “What the f**k?”
Even though I retreated, which I did so I could remain smart, sane and rational instead of letting him touch me or hold me or kiss me and make me the opposite, I leaned a bit forward, looked him in the eyes and softly begged, “Please? Can we go up the mountain?”
He didn’t answer for a long time, so long, since I was holding my breath, it seemed forever.
Then he said quietly, “Yeah, Duchess, we can go up the mountain.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
I was careful to keep distance between us as we walked to the Jeep and stayed clear and not in arm’s reach when he opened my door for me. I climbed up, belted in, he got in, started the car, strapped in and we were off.
I was silent and avoiding him taking my hand by digging through my purse, pretending to look for a mint which I didn’t have. Then I sighed my feigned defeat at the wasted effort and looked out my side window, clutching my bag like it was a life-force.
Max took the hint and he not only didn’t try to take my hand, he also didn’t speak. And when we got to his house and out of the car, he stopped at the back of the Cherokee to wait for me to round it but he again didn’t take my hand as we walked up the steps. He let us in, I went to the closet, hooked my purse and coat inside and headed up the stairs.
Grabbing my pajamas, I went directly to the bathroom, cleaned my face, moisturized and then looked in the mirror.
“Tomorrow,” I told my reflection in a barely there whisper, “this will be over. I just have to get through tonight.”
That’s a bad idea, Neenee Bean, Charlie’s voice was urgent in my head, You’ll regret it. You’ll regret it, sweetheart, until the day you die.
“If I stay, I’ll regret it in six months, a year, ten years, whenever it sinks in and turns bad and goes sour, knowing I’m second best.” I was still whispering.
Nina, listen to me –
“She was his world. Don’t I deserve to be that to someone, Charlie?” I whispered and before Charlie could say more, I turned to the door and opened it.
I didn’t look at Max but out of the corner of my eye I saw him heading toward the bathroom as I came out. I quickly went to the bed, got in on my side, turned out my bedside lamp which Max had turned on, leaving his illuminated. I curled up, my back to the bathroom and I took two very deep breaths.
I heard Max come out and I felt the bed move when he got in it. And even though I had my eyes closed, I saw the light go out.
He didn’t delay. He moved into me, his arm winding around my belly and he pulled my back into his front.
I didn’t struggle, instead my closed eyes closed tighter as I felt the warmth of him, the strength of him.
One last night.
“What’d he say to you, baby?” he asked softly into the back of my hair.
“Max, I’m really tired.”
“What’d he say?”
I remained silent. His arm got tighter as he pulled me even closer.
“You know about Shauna, babe, you gotta know there were others before you,” he whispered into my hair.
Yes, your wife! The Beautiful Swan, Anna! I shouted in my head.
“I saw your face in the Police Station, honey, when I talked about havin’ a woman on the job when I was with Shauna.”
“Max –”
“I told you this mornin’, it’s casual –”
“Please Max.”
“Her name was Shelly.”
“Please.”
“When I got home to look after Mins, the invitation to her wedding was in my mail.”
I drew in a sharp breath. His arm gave me a squeeze.
“It was nice, we both had fun then it was over. She was fine with that, she knew the score. It ended good and we remained friends. I know the guy she hooked up with after me. He’s a good guy. They’re gonna be happy and I’m happy for them.”
“Can I go to sleep?”
“You’re different.”
I clenched my teeth then I tried, “Max –”
“We’re not about havin’ fun, we’re that and we’re a f**kuva lot more than that.”
This was torture.
“We’ll talk in the morning,” I promised for we would, he just probably didn’t know what I was going to say.
“Baby,” he whispered his advice, “don’t sleep on what’s tearin’ you up inside.”
“Nothing’s tearing me up inside,” I lied yet again.
“Duchess –”
“Max, please, it’s late, I’ve had too much to drink, a crazy day, a crazy week and I’m just tired. Can’t you just hold me and let me sleep?”
At my request that he hold me, I felt his body relax into mine but he asked, “We’ll talk in the morning?”
“Yes.”
“You’ll actually talk to me in the morning?”
“I said I would.”
“None of this shit about not askin’ questions when you think I don’t wanna answer. We’ll actually talk.”
I swallowed, wondering why he remembered everything then promised, “Yes, Max, we’ll talk.”
Max fell silent. I forced my body to relax. After awhile, he called my name on a whisper.
“Nina.”
“Yes.”
His arm got tight and he pressed his body to mine.
“Baby, that path you were on…?” he asked but said no more.
“Yes?” I prompted.
“Until you showed in that snowstorm, I was on it too.”
Oh my God. Torture.
“Sleep, Max,” I urged him but I could hear my voice clogged with tears I could not let flow.
“Forgot about this,” he muttered into my hair.
“Sorry?”
“Forgot,” he repeated.
“Forgot?”
“Forgot about carin’ about someone so much you would do everything in your power to stop them havin’ pain.”
No. Not torture. Pure bloody torture.
“Max –”
“And how f**kin’ shitty it feels when there’s nothin’ you can do to stop it.”
“I’ll be okay,” I whispered yet another lie for I wouldn’t, not ever, not ever again or, at least, not until I found someone who thought I was their world.
If that happened.
“Yeah?”
“Yes, Max. So will you.”
He fell silent again. I waited. Then I waited longer.