The Gamble

On the second ring, Max’s head came up and he stopped our movement.

“Don’t.” It sounded like a plea and it was coming from my mouth

“I’ve gotta, Duchess.” His voice was still rough and he sounded like he didn’t want to but when his arm left my waist and his palm touched my cheek, I opened my eyes and saw in his face that I was right, he didn’t want to but he had to. “Don’t lose that look,” he ordered, bent forward, kissed my forehead then let me go and with long strides, walked to the phone on top of the roll top.

I watched him go and listened to him answer with a, “Yeah?”

I shook my head trying to clear it but I could still feel his arms around me; his lips on mine; his tongue in my mouth; his soft, thick hair under my hands; his hard body against mine and I wanted it back. I couldn’t shake off that feeling of want even though I tried. It was like it was born in me, natural, everything I was or everything I was meant to be and there was no way to get rid of it.

“Now?” Max asked, sounding incredulous and a bit annoyed but also sounding like he was trying to hide both. “Okay, yeah, calm down. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” I stared at him as his eyes sliced to me, his face wasn’t soft with desire like it had been five seconds ago, it was tight and impatient. “Yeah, I said I’d take care of this, I’ll take care of it.” Another pause and he didn’t unlock his eyes from mine before he said softly, “Don’t worry, I’ll be there. Fifteen.”

Then he hit the button for off, it beeped and I felt my body twitch at the sound. Sanity was returning but Max was right in front of me, impeding its progress.

“I gotta go.”

I just nodded.

“I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

I nodded again.

“Duchess, you with me?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“I’m takin’ your car keys with me,” he announced.

“Okay,” I replied instantly.

His hands came to either side of my head and he tipped it back as he got closer. I saw his face was back to soft and he looked almost relieved.

“I made my point, didn’t I?”

Oh, he made his point.

“Yes,” I whispered again.

“We’ll finish when I get home.”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what he meant, finish talking or finish making our way to the couch so I could act like an even bigger idiot and behave like a screaming bitch besides.

“Nina?”

“It sounds like something important.”

“It is or there’s no f**kin’ way I’d go.” His hands at my head brought me closer and he finished, “I’ll explain later.”

“You better get going,” I told him.

I felt one of his hands come down to my neck then his thumb slid along my jaw.

“Be good,” he whispered.

“I’ll try,” I whispered back, his eyes moved over my face then he bent his neck, touched his mouth to mine, giving me an exquisite, sweet, light kiss that was much like his forehead kiss except a whole lot better and let me go.

I watched him go to the closet, he disappeared behind the door, came out, shrugging on a canvas coat, his eyes came to me and he ordered, “Stay awake.”

“Okay.”

He lifted his chin and then he walked out the door.

I wandered to the computer even though I wanted to watch him leave, I didn’t want him to see me watching.

I pulled the chair up to the roll top then I sat down and clicked into the internet browser in order to access my webmail.

I heard the Cherokee depart as I typed in the web address then my username and password. I heard silence when I clicked on “compose” and more silence as I typed in Niles’s e-mail address.

Then I spent the next two hours writing to my fiancé explaining, in detail, what a timeout meant; what it meant that he didn’t know how I took my coffee; what it meant that he didn’t understand how much it hurt when he asked me to sell Charlie’s house; how lonely I was, even when I was with him; how it felt, him not making love to me, being affectionate, making me feel desired or desirable; how much it bothered me that, even though I’d talked to him about all of this, even wrote him other e-mails, it didn’t ever seem to penetrate; and lastly, the part that took the most time, how it wasn’t going to work out between us. Then I told him I’d call him in a few days and we would talk. Then I read it, edited it, read it again, added more, read it again, changed a few things, then I hit send.

It disappeared and I stared at the screen showing a list of my e-mails.

Well done, sweetheart, Charlie whispered in my ear.

He sounded sad but proud.

I started crying.

Chapter Five

Charlie

I opened my eyes, blinked at the bright sunlight and smelled bacon cooking.

I was alone in Max’s bed. Max, evidently, was downstairs cooking breakfast.

I rolled to my back and stared at the point in the A-Frame ceiling.

After sending my e-mail to Niles and crying my eyes out – so much, I had to move to the chair by the couch, curl in it holding a toss pillow to my chest in order to give myself a comfortable cocoon while letting go a part of my life that was once important to me, in fact I thought it was going to be my entire future but I’d figured out wasn’t so important anymore – I cleaned up my face. Then I threw another log on the fire. Then I stared at the log burning, trying to sort out my head. Then I failed at sorting out my head. Then when it got late, I made dinner for one and ate cookies for dessert. Then I read until it got later. Then when it got really late, I changed into my nightgown, put in a movie, slid into bed and, again, obviously, fell asleep while watching it.

Now, clearly, it was morning and Max was home.

And he said when he came home, we would finish.

And as I lay there, staring at the ceiling, I decided I was going to have to figure out a way to tell him I wasn’t ready for us to finish in whatever way that would come. I wasn’t ready for what was happening in his A-Frame on my Colorado adventure. I wasn’t ready to explore what was going on between him and me.

I wanted to, honest to goodness, I wanted it so badly it felt like an ache.

But I was coming to terms with my life changing in one way. In fact, I had realized the day before as I stared at Max’s fire, I knew before I even took this timeout that Niles and I were never going to work and I realized that I’d known that for a long time. I’d either fallen out of love with him or he’d bored the love out of me. But before I even left I had understood somewhere in head that I simply needed distance to come to that conclusion and that distance would give me the courage to carry it through.