The Gamble

Tell Becca not to be mad at me and tell her I listened all those times we talked but she doesn’t get it either. She doesn’t understand what it feels like to wash and wash and wash and never feel clean.

So I’m going to the only place that can make me clean, crystal clear, fresh and clean.

You don’t be mad at me either, Brody. Please try to understand.

Tell Mom and Dad, Max and Becca I love them, okay?

And I love you too.

xoxo Mins

“It’s a suicide note,” Becca whispered but I knew that. I knew it. I knew it reading it and I knew it because I’d stopped breathing and I knew it because I’d read one before and I knew it because that grip on my insides felt like a vice and I felt that before too. “She talked about it to me, I asked her to go see someone.” Becca’s voice dropped to nearly nothing. “She promised she would.”

“We got boys high and low lookin’ for her,” Jeff put in and his voice sounded tight.

I felt Mom, Steve and Cotton had gotten close but they stayed quiet, correctly reading the atmosphere.

I didn’t look at anyone. I was simply staring at the note still held up in Max’s hand.

“Fuck!” Brody hissed. “She was okay last night, laughin’, eatin’, drinkin’ –”

“Crystal clear and fresh,” I whispered, cutting Brody off.

“What?” Max asked and I watched the note disappear as his hand dropped away and his body turned to me as his arm curled me to his front.

I looked up into Max’s handsome face wearing a replica of Brody’s stony concern. “Crystal clear and fresh,” I repeated. “She said that to me when I was giving her a facial. She used those words to describe someplace she really likes, someplace on the river. She said the water was always clear there, you could always see right down to the bottom. Crystal clear and –”

“Holling’s Bend,” Max said, his neck twisting to look at Brody and then he suddenly let me go and he was running.

Not thinking, I ran with him, Brody did too, around the house and up the incline toward the barn.

Brody was yelling as he ran. “Jeff, take the road, scan the river as you go!”

They pulled ahead and I watched Max yank open the barn door on a mighty heave and disappear inside. I ran into the cold darkness to see him squatting in front of an open cupboard door. He twisted a knob on a safe, pulled it open and I saw some keys hanging inside. He grabbed a set, turned and tossed them to Brody. Brody caught them and ran to an ATV. Max grabbed another set and ran to the other ATV.

He got on and, as he was slipping the key into the ignition, I climbed on behind him.

He twisted and clipped, “Nina.”

“Go!” I yelled. “Go, go, go!”

He delayed no further, twisted back, started the ATV, turned sharply in the barn and shot out behind Brody.

Max either was more experienced on the ATV or knew the terrain better, maybe both, but even with me holding tight to his waist, we passed Brody. The wind, chill on the ATV and me not wearing a jacket, whipped our bodies and hair and we were going fast, too fast, scary fast and I didn’t notice.

The wheels left earth as we flew over a rise then landed with a bone-jarring thud which made me glad I was holding onto Max for dear life. We barreled down it, heading toward the narrow, now muddy track running the side of the river that Max and I took on the snowmobile.

My heart in my throat hammering uncontrollably, I scanned the river as it flew by at our sides.

My eyes were on the river but my mind was on Mindy putting her hand to my window and giving me that funny, little smile. That funny, little smile I was too stupid, stupid, stupidly drunk to read. Max had asked me to take it easy on the drink, he’d told me she had bad moments, I’d even bloody seen them. But did I listen, did I read the signs, signs I’d seen but didn’t read before with Charlie?

No. No, I didn’t.

Then we neared the bend and I saw her. Max did too.

“God f**king dammit,” he clipped and even with the wind, I heard the alarm and anger clear in his gravelly voice.

He hadn’t stopped the ATV when I jumped off and started running straight to the steep incline that fell down to the river.

“Nina!” Max shouted but I didn’t pause and went over the side, running hell bent for my darling girl floating face down, her body caught in some reeds and butting against some rocks, her long hair a darkened, strawberry blonde web drifting eerily all around her.

I lost my footing and fell to a knee, sliding down the incline on my lower side to the bottom. I felt the rocks and gravel scoring at my thigh, hip and calf but the pain didn’t register. The minute my feet touched earth I ran again, straight to Mindy, straight into the water and I heard Max shout my name again.

I ignored it and slid along the slippery stones under my feet, the snow melt water rushing all around me and the river floor fell away faster than I expected. The water was shocking in its bitter chill but I kept going. I was up to my br**sts when I got to her.

Flipping her around, I slipped my arms under her armpits and started backwards, pulling her along with me which was difficult to do fighting against the mighty tug of the rushing river. I hit something and knew it was Max when I felt his arms hook under mine, anchoring me to him as I was anchoring Mindy to me.

We were waist high when Brody was there, he lifted her up in his arms and troughed through the water with long, determined strides. Max’s arm went along my back, hand under my armpit, holding me close as he turned us and part walked, part dragged me back to the bank.

Brody had Mindy on her back and he was on his knees at her side, bent over her, ear to her mouth when Max hauled me out of the river and we made it to them.

Then his torso shot up to straight, his eyes going to Max. “She ain’t breathin’.”

Without hesitation I dropped to my knees and thanked all that was holy I volunteered to go to that First Aid class, even though at the time I could have done without it because my caseload was heavy. Now, if this ended better than it looked like it would, I was personally going to hunt down my instructor and give him a huge, bleeding, kiss.

Positioning my hands like I was taught, I put them to Mindy’s chest and counted out loud with each compression.

Then I moved to her mouth, opened it, stuck my finger inside to make sure nothing was there, tilted her head back, pinched her nose, put my mouth to hers and exhaled my breath into her body.

Back to the chest compressions, counting down.

Then I moved to Mindy’s mouth, pinched her nose and exhaled.