The Girl He Used to Know (Page 21)

Jonathan leaned over and kissed me. “I need to be inside you right now, Annika.” He got out of the bed and I heard the sound of a drawer opening.

“What are you doing?’ I asked.

“I’m getting a condom.” I watched with clinical interest as Jonathan took off his jeans and underwear and rolled the condom on. When he got back in bed he settled his body between my legs. Holding himself up on his arms, he started to push into me in infinitesimal increments. He was careful, and gentle, but there was an urgency I could hear in his breathing. “Are you okay?” he asked. “Am I hurting you?”

It wasn’t unpleasant, but I felt stretched in a way I never had before. “It stings a little. It’s okay. Keep going.”

A minute or so later he began to thrust into me faster, going deeper, and then his body began to shudder and shake. He groaned loudly and then collapsed on top of me, his cheek resting on my chest. I could feel the pounding of his heart, his warm skin. He was still inside me, and I wondered how long he planned on staying there. “That was incredible,” he said.

“Did I do it right?” I asked.

Jonathan made a sound. Sort of like another groan, but softer this time. “You did it exactly right.”

“Do you think you’ll want to do it again?”

“Definitely,” he said, pressing a kiss to my neck. “Do you want to do it again?”

“Could we rest for a little while first?” In order to handle more touching, I would need a break.

“Absolutely. Whatever you want.” He withdrew from my body, which was an incredibly odd sensation, and got out of bed. As he walked toward the bathroom he said, “I’m going to need a few minutes anyway.”

When Jonathan returned he slid back under the covers and pulled me into his arms, tucking me into the space under his chin, with his arms wrapped around me. He sighed, stroked my cheek, and rubbed his foot along my leg.

It felt like being trapped in a hot steel cage. I would have rather thrown off the covers and stretched out on the bed, moving my arms and legs as if I were making a snow angel, than be held.

But I’d seen this in movies and read about it in books.

This was cuddling.

Cuddling occurred after sex.

So I stayed put, letting him rub my shoulder and kiss my ear. He seemed drowsy, yawning like he might want to take a nap.

After fifteen minutes of this I started to get out of bed. “Where are you going?” he asked.

“It feels sticky between my legs.”

“But I used a con— Oh. Stay here. I’ll get a towel.”

When he returned I pulled down the covers and spread my legs. Jonathan leaned down to examine me. “There’s a little blood,” he said. “That’s probably what you felt.” He must have run the towel under the faucet, because it was warm and damp. I lay back as he ran it lightly over my inner thighs and then between my legs.

“Annika, I think I’m ready again.”

19

Annika

CHICAGO

AUGUST 2001

I’m eager to meet with Tina today. I feel like there are so many things I can share that I’m proud of, and I want her to be proud of them, too. Plus Audrey was out sick today, so I had a great day at work.

“Jonathan took me to a work function,” I say after Tina leads me into her office and we’ve sat down. “I didn’t say anything stupid, at least I don’t think I did. I met his boss and most of his coworkers. It was exhausting and I had a splitting headache afterward, but I did it.”

Tina knows that one of my coping mechanisms is to mimic the behaviors of others. She said it’s a useful tool and that I should do whatever helps me the most.

“How do you feel when you’re out with Jonathan?”

“I feel good. He’s always been someone I’m comfortable being with. It feels like it did when we were in college.”

“Have the two of you determined the kind of relationship you’re comfortable having now?”

“Jonathan said he wanted to take it slow. So that’s what we’re doing. But we’re spending a lot of time together. That makes me happy.”

“Have you talked about the past yet?”

Truthfully, I hadn’t thought about our past lately because our present was so preferable by comparison. “No.”

“Do you think you’re purposely avoiding things you find unpleasant because you prefer it when life is running smoothly?”

“Yes. I mean, maybe not avoiding unpleasant things but enjoying our time together and the fact that we’ve reconnected. I’ve missed him.”

Tina does this thing where she steeples her index fingers under her chin. It took me almost a year to figure out it means she’s thinking. Also that she’s waiting for me to come to some kind of conclusion on my own. “At some point, you may find your past influencing the progression of this relationship. I think you should consider having the conversation even if it’s not something you want to talk about.”

“Everything is going so well.”

“Which is why now might be a good time.”

I don’t admit to Tina that part of me hopes Jonathan has stopped thinking about it. Stopped wondering what happened on my end now that I’ve shown him I’m ready to pick up where we left off. But there’s another part of me that understands it’s the right thing to do. I owe him an explanation.

“I really like being with him.”

“Then you have even more of a reason to talk about it. Something tells me it will go better than you think.”

* * *

After my appointment with Tina, I eat dinner and read fifty pages of a book. Therapy always tires me out and I’m thinking about taking a bath to kill time until nine, which is the earliest I can go to bed if I don’t want to wake up at 4:00 A.M. The buzzer startles me, because I don’t have many visitors, but when I hear Jonathan’s voice I forget all about being tired. I buzz him in and when I throw open the door, I clap my hands because this is just the best surprise ever. Normally I don’t enjoy it when people drop by unannounced, but with Jonathan, I don’t mind at all.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call first. Have you eaten? I brought dinner,” he said, holding up a take-out bag. “I’ve got just enough time to eat it with you before I have to head back to the office.”

“I did eat. But that’s okay. I’ll keep you company.” I beckon him inside before he can change his mind. “You’re going back to work?”

He loosens his tie. “I have to. We’re not done. Brad’s planning to sleep on the couch in his office. I guess he’s the winner.”

“What will he win?” I’m genuinely curious, as I have no idea what kind of contest they’re running down at Jonathan’s workplace.

“Oh, no, nothing actually. I just meant he wants to make sure we all know how much harder he’s working.”

Jonathan could spend hours explaining it to me, but I doubt I’ll ever understand the world of investment banking. And even if I did, it sounds awful.

“Won’t you be tired tomorrow?”

“Yes, but lately I’m always tired.”

We sit down at my kitchen table and he unpacks the food. Jonathan has brought a burger and fries. He pops one of the fries in my mouth.

“My friend Nate—he’s the one I told you about that got divorced recently. He’s got a new girlfriend and asked if you and I wanted to meet them for dinner.”

“You want me to go to dinner with you and your friends?”

“Sure.”

The only double dates I’d ever been on were with Janice and whoever she was seeing at the time, and with Ryan’s best friend and his alcoholic wife. I had enjoyed double dating with Janice, more so after she finally dumped Joe and started dating a cute guy from one of her classes, but hadn’t enjoyed it at all when Ryan and I had done it. But in the end, I’d discovered I really didn’t like Ryan either. I liked Jonathan, so maybe I’d like his friend, too. And he wanted me to come! That had to count for something.

“That would be okay with me.”

“I’ll set something up. Will Saturday work for you?”

“Sure. I don’t have any plans.”

“I imagine you don’t get to see Janice as often as you used to, but do you have other people to do things with?”

“Not really.” I hated admitting to Jonathan that I still had difficulty in this area.

“There are probably a few people you get together with, aren’t there?”

“I don’t have a lot of friends.”

“What about your coworkers?”

“Audrey doesn’t like me. There’s another girl—her name’s Stacy. She seems nice, but whenever I try to talk to her, she usually ends up walking away.” And I never have any clue why, other than whatever I said must have come out wrong. When I was younger, I preferred the company of boys over girls. They usually said what they meant. My role as someone’s girlfriend seemed clearer somehow, and I mostly understood how it worked. But being a friend to someone vexed me. All my life, despite my good intentions, I’d always done it wrong. Women said so many things, often to my face, that I’d later learn they didn’t mean. In some cases, they meant the complete opposite. They were rude when I was able to keep up, and nice when I seemed lost.