The Many Sins Of Lord Cameron (MacKenzies & McBrides #3)(70)
Author: Jennifer Ashley

Ainsley sent him another puzzled look. “You were miserable in Monte Carlo.”

“Restless, yes. Miserable, no. Hell, no. There, and in Paris, I was seeing everything as though it were new. All the things I took for granted for years suddenly had color and substance. Why? Because I saw them anew, through your eyes.”

Ainsley couldn’t know how beautiful she was standing there listening to him, brow puckered in confusion. “But your heart is here,” she said. “In Berkshire. With your horses at Waterbury Grange. I’m not wrong about that.”

“My heart is where you are, Ainsley. So when you leave . . .” Cameron made an empty gesture.

“I’ll come back,” she said stubbornly.

“To this wreck of a man? Why should you?”

“Because I love you.”

Cameron stopped. She’d said that before, though not often, as though worried how he’d respond.

But damn it, Ainsley could say it as often as she bloody well pleased. Plenty of women had told Cameron they’d loved him, even Elizabeth had. Usually they cooed it after he gave them some expensive present. Ainsley stood forlornly in the middle of a room and said it.

With Ainsley, something whispered to him, it just might be true.

“Then why go?” he asked.

“Because of the things I need to do. Important things. I would ask you to accompany me, but I know you can’t leave the horses, and you being with me would complicate things.”

“What things?”

“Cameron . . .”

Cameron unfolded his arms and moved to the window. Out in the paddock Angelo was letting the horse he rode slowly canter, winding down from a gallop.

He felt her come up behind him then her soothing touch on his shoulder. “That night six years ago in your bedchamber,” she said in a soft voice. “When you tempted me so sorely, and I refused you . . .”

“I remember.” The horse was going well, Angelo riding as though he were one with the beast. “What about it?”

“I refused you because I wouldn’t betray John, my husband. And I won’t betray you now. I’ll come back, Cameron. I promise.”

Cameron turned and pulled her to him. They stood together, swaying in the sunshine. He felt Ainsley relax, relieved that he’d stopped fighting her. But Cameron was far from yielding.

“I don’t want you back because you feel obligated to me, love,” he said. “That’s the devil of wedding vows—they make you do things for a person you maybe should run away from. Come back to me because you want to, not because you think you ought to. Do you understand?”

Ainsley looked up at him, her eyes a mystery. “I think I do understand you, Cameron.”

Cameron heard more in the sentence than the bare words, but he couldn’t decide what. He kissed her, dissolving in her warmth, and then he let her go.

Angelo went with her. Cameron insisted. Cameron said that he trusted Ainsley but not whatever fools she might meet on her journey. A maid and a footman weren’t enough to guard her. Angelo, he knew, wouldn’t let a damn thing happen to her. So Angelo went, without argument.

Once they reached Windsor, Angelo left to join his family on their canal boat that wandered up and down the nearby Kennet and Avon Canal. Ainsley loaded Angelo with packages of food and clothing, toys for his nieces and nephews, and sent him off.

She found Windsor cold, damp, and sorrowful.

My dearest Cameron,

The queen is quite distraught and most days cannot walk on her own. She has expressed relief that I am here and relies on me most strongly.

I am happy I came, because the others of the household, while sad that the queen is grieving, did not have much love for Mr. Brown. They grow impatient with Her Majesty’s eulogizing and her talk of mausoleums and monuments to him. Their line of thinking is that Mr. Brown was only a servant, and one who got above himself at that. He deserves a proper burial, yes, but nothing more.

But they forget what a true friend Mr. Brown was to the queen after her husband’s death, when her heart broke, and she hid herself away from the world. It was Mr. Brown that got her to do her duty as queen again and gave her the will to continue. He should at least be remembered for that.

I doubt, despite vicious gossip, and despite those letters over which Mrs. Chase was delighted to blackmail her, that the queen and Mr. Brown were ever lovers. A couple can be quite intimate without sharing bodies—though you will likely not believe that, my Cam.

But it can be true. What I feel for you is highly intense, whether you are standing next to me or living a hundred miles away. I do not have to be touching you at all to experience what I feel.

The queen and I go out seldom, and I look longingly across the fields from my high window, wishing I were at Waterbury with you. Here lambs wander across green fields and crocuses sprout the colors of spring. I imagine that Waterbury must look much the same, all misty and soft.

Unhappily I do not see much of spring because I sit most of the time behind thickly draped windows with nothing to do but read to Her Majesty, or embroider, or perhaps play on the piano. At least I have time to work on the pillows I’m doing for our parlor, in very bright and cheerful colors. I enjoy picturing what they will look like in our house.

I will write as often as I can, but truth be told, I don’t have many moments to myself. The queen is in a very bad way and needs everyone who can be at her side.

But whenever I undo my buttons to ready myself for bed, I think of you. I imagine your fingers unfastening my gown, opening me like a Christmas parcel for your pleasure. I tingle even now as I think of it, and so I will close before I quite combust and burn the paper.

Please greet our household for me, and your trainers, and the lads at the stables, and the horses, and McNab. I so miss you all!

With my deepest love, my dearest husband,

Your,

Ainsley

“Now, my dear, I will speak to you about your unfortunate marriage to the Mackenzies.”

The queen must be feeling better, Ainsley thought, if she’s bringing up the topic of my elopement.

Ainsley kept her gaze on her embroidery, blue violets on a cream background. She was redoing the parlor at Waterbury in shades of blue and yellow, brightening it from Cameron’s decorating scheme of “whatever happened to be in the house when I bought it.”

She makes it sound as though I married the whole lot of them. Although, maybe I did.

“Their father was a brute,” Victoria said decidedly. “I knew the duke, and he was awful. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, you know. Marriage to a Mackenzie is no marriage for a genteel young lady, especially one as well brought up as you were.”