The Redhead Plays Her Hand (Redhead #3)(46)
Author: Alice Clayton

I sat back in my seat, closed out of the window on my phone, and promised once more to never ever, ever, ever google myself again. Or Jack. Neither. Both. Never. I pulled out of the parking garage on Wilshire after a grueling session with Megan, looking everywhere for tan sedans. All clear. Never googling again.

Who are you kidding?

Okay, I won’t until tomorrow.

Again, who are you kidding?

I knew I would do it again later today, so this was just a little lie I told myself—a lie that made it easier to rationalize inside where the crazy hides that I somehow now had a life where I could google myself. Myself!

Flights of fancy aside, let’s go back to the question on deck.

Are they or aren’t they?

Sadly, all evidence would point to aren’t they.

Since the night Jack left for the desert we had not spoken, something that I could scarcely believe. But that’s how it happens. A day becomes two, two becomes five, a freaking week goes by, then two? And then the ludicrous becomes real. At that point, it’s just semantics. Who’s gonna be the one to reach out? Who’s gonna be the bigger person or the weakest weenie? Apparently, we were both semantic.

If someone had told me six months ago that Jack and I would break up without even a phone call, I’d have said no way. Never happen. Not to us. But were we broken up? See, that’s the thing of it. When shit goes bad, sometimes you can get bogged down in it, wrap yourself in it, but still not know. I’d analyzed the he saids and the she should haves, but in the end, I still didn’t know. But if I stepped back from it, then yes, we were probably broken up.

I winced even as I thought it, so I rolled down the windows and breathed deep, getting a little hit of smog to clear my head.

A boy and a girl meet, fall in love, and hide their romance because of boy’s fan club. Girl breaks his heart because she’s an idiot. Boy and girl get back together. Boy and girl have sex, have sex, have more of the sex. Girl gets TV show; boy drinks. Girl gets famous over sixteen pounds. Boy drinks more; girl lets boy leave one night knowing this can’t possibly be the end. Girl sweeps up glass. Boy doesn’t come back.

And in the interim, girl kicks ass. Is girl enjoying it? She’s trying to.

The show was a hit. It continued to gain momentum, and by the middle of the shortened summer season, a full season had been ordered. Same writer. Same cast. New director. Hee-hee.

We went into production on the new season almost immediately, and I threw myself into the work—creating, owning, listening, and responding. Michael’s writing had hit new strides, taking Mabel and the entire cast into places as an actress I was terrified of, which made it all the more exhilarating when I did go there and didn’t shy away.

Professionally, I was killing it. Personally, I was a ghost town.

Jack had texted me—twice, in fact, since the first time. First to tell me congratulations on the show getting picked up, that he hadn’t missed an episode, and that he was proud of me. The second time, weeks later, he texted me a picture of a television. On the screen? The Golden Girls.

I responded both times, but he never texted back. What could I glean from these texts? He was keeping tabs on what I was up to and that he was as happy as I was about the Golden Gs being back on TV Land.

He called one night too, late. After 3:00 a.m. When I answered, he said nothing. But I could hear him breathing.

“Jack? Hey, you there?”

Breathing.

“Jack, you okay?”

Heavy breathing.

“Seriously? That’s what you called me for?”

Groan.

Yeah, I may have let him finish. I mean, come on. And I did only a few things on my end, just a few. But we never spoke. He never said a word. I cried afterward.

So are we or aren’t we? Seriously, someone please clue me in.

I kept tabs on him as much as I could through the Google stalking and the little bits Holly knew. He’d finally responded to her, signed on to do the next Time movie, and then went back to not answering his phone when she called. She eventually got him on the line, told him she wasn’t going to work with him this way and that if he wanted another manager he could find one. He relented but let her know in no uncertain terms that he was on a break until the Time sequel started shooting this fall. He didn’t want to do any interviews, he wasn’t doing any TV appearances, and he essentially wanted to be left alone until he had to do promotion for Soldier Boy, to which he’d already agreed to do.

He wanted to be left alone, wanted to do his thing and not apologize for it, and that was it. He was like Howard Hughes meets Charlie Sheen, with a side of Dylan McKay. So Holly did what he asked and didn’t point out that his behavior was beginning to garner him a reputation, that it could cost him future jobs. She knew if he fired her, there would be a huge line of people interested in representing him—he was still a very much in demand movie star. And in her way, even if they weren’t speaking, as long as she worked with him she could still keep the tiniest of eyes on him. And in the tiniest of ways, it made me feel better.

And through the tiniest of hints, I believed he was also letting me know he didn’t want me to contact him. He knew Holly well enough to know that she’d tell me everything, let me know he was okay but she’d also relay that he didn’t want anyone contacting him. So I didn’t.

And it was killing me. Because in the middle of all of this—this drama surrounding Jack and how he was choosing to deal with the pressure—I got left out in the cold. I lost my boyfriend. I was pissed, sure, but I was hurt, and more than that, I was lonely.

Seriously lonely. I missed the f**k out of Jack. My house felt too big, my bed felt too wide, and every time I saw a bag of Chex Mix, my heart broke a little more. Like the melba toasts at the bottom of the bag, I was broken into pieces. And kind of tossed aside like the pretzels no one wanted.

I longed to be able to share with him what was going on with me, how I had my own pressures and problems to deal with, not to mention needing someone to celebrate these successes as they happened. I’d lost my biggest cheerleader, my shower partner, and the guy who made me laugh louder and moan deeper than anyone else ever could, all at the same time. And oh my God, it hurt.

The street blurred in front of me as tears made their way from the pit of my stomach and out through my eyeballs. I pulled over as soon as I could, wracked with sobs as I let it wash over me: the overwhelming sadness mixed with my very real fear that it was over and my George would not be holding my boobies up in the shower ever again. I cried until I was hoarse, until my eyes were puffy and swollen, until I looked like I’d been hit in the face with a shovel and then backhoed with mascara goo.