Tie Me

“Maybe you’re not meant to know the reason she died so young,” Dawn said.

“I’m sure I’m not supposed to understand it,” he said, “but that doesn’t stop me from trying.”

They sat silently, and Dawn found herself missing the sound of the storm raging outside. She could use a distraction from her thoughts and was certain Kellen’s thoughts were equally as turbulent.

“So how many men have you slept with?” he asked.

Or maybe he was thinking about her vagina.

“Why?” she asked.

“You seem a little inexperienced.”

“I do?”

“You’re great at what you do,” he said. “That trick with the candle wax had me ready to explode.”

“I made that up on the fly,” she said.

“Nice.”

She chuckled. “But to answer your question, four. Including you. You count, right?”

“I’m hoping by the end of the night, I’ll count double.”

That sounded promising. Was he thinking of getting intimate with her again? Yes, please. She’d never known a guy to come twice in one night, so if Kellen managed it three times, she’d definitely count him double.

“How many woman have you slept with?” she asked. It was only fair that he share the same information. Then she remembered he was a rock star. She’d probably have a stroke when he spouted some astronomical figure.

“Actual sex or fooling around and foreplay?”

“Actual sex.”

“Four,” he said. “Including you.”

She gaped at him for what felt like five minutes and then sputtered, “Liar!”

“I didn’t call you a liar. Why do you think I’m one?”

“Because. Because you’re a gorgeous rock star. You must have women hanging all over you.”

“Yeah, but I don’t have sex with them. I only have sex when I feel a connection with a woman, and that doesn’t happen very often.”

So was he saying he felt a connection with her?

“I have fooled around a lot,” he said. “I’m not a saint.”

“Then why did you tell me you’ve only been with three other women?”

“Because I place a certain emphasis on being inside a woman. It’s important to me and I thought maybe it was important to you too. If it’s not, that’s okay. I just wanted to know what kind of woman destiny insists I feel a connection with.”

There he went with that destiny stuff again. Couldn’t they have just met by chance, had a few things in common—most notably music—found each other attractive and decided that a little pleasure would go well with their newfound compatibility?

“Tell me about your other lovers,” he said. “I want to know what I’m up against.”

Her eyes widened. This was like taboo stuff to talk about so early in a relationship. But wait—was this even a relationship yet? Hardly. But she found herself telling him anyway.

“I lost my virginity on prom night.”

“Cliché,” he said with a soft smile. “Was it good for you?”

“No. It was awkward and it hurt and I didn’t even like the guy. I hadn’t ever been on a date before. My dad somehow talked one of his colleague’s sons into taking me to his prom, since I was homeschooled and would have missed out on all the fun. I didn’t know anyone there. I was so socially awkward and apparently naive. He gave me my first kiss. First tongue kiss. First boob fondle. First touch down below. First penetration. All in the same night. I didn’t know how to stop him. I wanted him to stop, but I was scared and confused, so I just let it happen. I never saw him again after that night, and I’m glad. I’d probably have thrown up if I ever had to be in the same room with him again.” Just thinking about that night so many years ago made her feel queasy.

“What a scum-sucking son-of-a-bitch,” he said. “You don’t count that one, Dawn. That’s called date rape.”

She shook her head. “Except I never told him no. I just thought it. And thought it. And thought it. But I never said it.”

“If you didn’t want to do it, it was rape. I’ve had a lot of women who can’t take no for an answer. It’s never progressed to actual intercourse, but even being touched when you don’t want to be touched doesn’t feel right. It bothers me every time it happens.”

Dawn’s belly flipped over. “But I touched you when you didn’t want to be touched. I’m sorry if it bothered you.” She hadn’t even thought that her coming on so strong to Kellen might have made him feel the way that Jonathan Kingsley had made her feel. How wretched of her.

He chuckled. “Are you kidding? The only kind of bothered you caused was hot and bothered. I wanted you to touch me so badly I thought I was going to rip those boxer shorts in half with my boner. There is a difference between reluctance and rejection. That ass**le stole something from you that he had no right to take.”

Not many people knew what had happened to her on prom night. It wasn’t like she could have told her parents. She didn’t have close friends until college, and they’d thought losing her virginity behind a Dairy Queen was funny, because she usually told it as a humorous story. She didn’t know why she’d expressed her true feelings when she’d told Kellen about it. And Kellen’s understanding about why it had been so mortifying made her feel better.

“You know, it wasn’t your fault,” he added, and gently rubbed his knuckles up and down her bare arm.

Kellen was right—it hadn’t been her fault. But for a long time she’d blamed herself for not knowing what to do or how to make him stop. It had never occurred to her to blame Jonathan Kingsley.

“I hope the other two treated you right,” Kellen said. “I don’t want to hear about some other jerk hurting you.”

“No. There was just the one jerk. My second lover was my only long-term boyfriend. We dated for months before we finally slept together. Michael was even less experienced than I was, but once we became intimate, we had a whole lot of fun figuring out what felt good. We broke up after college. He wanted to go to China and teach English. I told him to have fun without me.”

“You didn’t want to go with him?”

“Our relationship had grown stale. I’d fallen out of love with him, but he never did anything wrong, so I didn’t know how to break up with him. How do you end a relationship just because it’s boring? His going to China finally gave me the excuse I’d been waiting for.”