Trailer Park Heart

I wanted to kiss him forever. There wasn’t any reason to stop what we were doing. He was making me dizzy with the things he did with his tongue and the way his teeth scraped over my bottom lip, sending shivers trembling through me. His hands held onto me with such firm possession that I believed they belonged like that, believed that he should never let go.

“God, Levi,” I panted, clutching his t-shirt with two fists.

He pulled back slowly, resting his forehead against mine. “Better than I remembered,” he murmured. “Which is pretty fucking hard to top.” His hand cupped my jaw and he pressed another kiss to my lips, sweeter this time, infinitely gentler. When he pulled back a soft laugh escaped him. “I’d started to think I’d made the whole thing up. Or at least built it up in my head. I couldn’t figure out how one kiss could stay with a man for seven fucking years. Now I know. It’s you, Ruby. You’re black magic.”

I shivered again, a full body vibration that rocked me from head to toe. It was better than our first kiss. So much more intense. Filled with life and growing up and all the spaces that separated us since that night.

Son of a bitch. That night.

Was I really repeating all my mistakes from seven years ago?

What the hell was I doing kissing Levi? This was only asking for trouble.

And not just because I wanted to keep Max’s father a secret. I couldn’t tell Levi because it would mess him up to know I slept with his brother—and then had Logan’s baby.

He’d been thinking about our one kiss for seven years? What was I supposed to do with that?

I rarely even thought about losing my virginity that night. And it had led to me having a baby!

“I-I’m just—”

He pressed his thumb to my bottom lip and I bit it instinctively. “Witchcraft,” he whispered.

“Levi, we need to talk—”

“Ruby?” Ajax called from the other end of the hallway.

“Shit,” I whispered.

Levi stepped in front of me, covering me with his body. “Ruby’s not back here,” he barked.

I hid my face in my hands and waited for the blowout. Ajax would lose his shit if he knew I was kissing someone else—especially after I’d been dancing all night with him.

“He’s gone,” Levi soothed. “It’s too dark for anyone to see anything.” He peppered kisses along my cheek and jawline, down the column of my neck. He wanted more. He thought… he thought because of how good our kiss was that it meant more.

And in normal circumstances, with a normal girl, it probably would have. But I wasn’t normal.

We weren’t normal.

Our circumstances definitely weren’t normal.

“I have to go,” I told him quickly, suddenly desperate to get out of here.

His head popped up. “Are you okay?”

“No, yeah, I mean, I just need to get home. My mom is watching Max and I told her I wouldn’t be out late.” More importantly I told her I wouldn’t get pregnant and I couldn’t make any promises where Levi Cole was involved.

“O-okay. Are you all right to drive?” Concern drew his eyebrows together and he still hadn’t stepped back.

“I just had two drinks. And that was at least an hour ago. I’m fine.”

“When can I see—”

“I’m sorry, Levi. I need to go.”

He took a step back, finally getting the hint. “Sure. Fine.” I felt him shut down like it was a physical thing, like a wall had slammed between us, an invisible wall seven years high and a lifetime of being at each other’s throats wide.

I peered at him through the darkness in the hall, trying to figure out if this moment would cause irreparable damage. If this was the time I finally ruined whatever there was between us for good. I felt cold and hollow, broken and wrong. There was something damaged inside of me, something that wouldn’t let good things happen.

Levi and I could have happened once upon a time, but I’d been too focused on telling him no, on not letting anything slow me down from leaving this town. And so I’d sabotaged whatever good thing was between us in the worst way possible.

And even though it gave me Max, it had ruined so many other things.

“Why do you keep bothering me?” I’d asked him once during our senior year.

“I don’t know how to leave you alone,” he’d said. Then he’d asked, “Do you want me to leave you alone?”

I had turned my head, so he couldn’t see my eyes and whispered, “I don’t know how to want that either.”

I still didn’t know. I still couldn’t let him just be, just find happiness with someone else. The same poisonous thing that got in my way, would eventually ruin him too. If I didn’t cut the tether between us, he would meet the monster that always destroyed.

My body turned cold with dread as I looked at him now, defenses raised, prepared for battle. “I’ll see you later,” I told him.

“Maybe,” was his reply.

I pushed through the back door and ran through the gravel parking lot to my Corolla. I sped home, desperate to get back to my side of town, to what I knew and expected and had resigned myself to.

I pulled into Meadowbrooks, the life I had built for myself. I could leave the trailer park and pretend I belonged in normal society, but the truth was this would always be my home. I would always be the daughter of a strip club manager, the single mom struggling to make ends meet, the girl from the trailer park.

Max had fallen asleep on my bed and I was thankful my mom had let him. He looked like a little cherub with his unruly dark hair and his glasses placed carefully on the nightstand.

After changing into yoga pants and a tank top and washing my face clean of all the makeup I had been so excited to wear, I curled up next to him and pressed my nose onto his pillow. A minute later it was soaking wet from my tears.

Max stirred, partially waking up at the sound of my stifled sobbing.

“Mommy?” he mumbled with his sleep-roughened voice.

“I’m right here,” I told him, thankful for the excuse to pull him into my arms. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

“Are you okay?” he asked groggily.

“I just missed you. I’m glad to be home.” True statements.

He snuggled closer, rubbing his hand on my back. “It’s going to be okay, mommy,” he promised. “Whatever made you sad is going to be okay.”

I should have just let it be. He didn’t even really know what he was saying and at six he could hardly give me solid life advice. But instead, I sniffled another sob and asked, “How do you know?”

He blinked up at me, sudden clarity brightening his green, green eyes. “Because you’re the bravest person I know. You can do anything.”

He fell back asleep just a minute later and I clung to him and his words and the promise that things would feel better in the morning.

15

Gossip Girls

I left work early so I could help setup for Max’s Halloween party while the kids were at recess. Rosie had been happy to let me go, even though it meant she would have to cover for me.

Rosie was good about letting me take time off for Max, but it was a privilege I didn’t want to abuse. I missed a lot of his field trips and extracurricular things in case I needed to take time off if he was sick or heaven forbid, I got sick.

I was a push-through-it kind of girl, but I worked in food service. My customers didn’t appreciate me handling their food while I puked my guts out in the bathroom.