True (True Believers #1)(21)
Author: Erin McCarthy

That was me. Totally stupid. Really, was it so shocking to think that a guy like Tyler didn’t have the purest of intentions? No. It wasn’t.

But that didn’t make it hurt any less.

I sat on the floor of the shower, knees to my chest, hair in wet, damp hanks on my forehead and my cheeks, and I stared at the water swirling down the drain, wishing it would take me and my humiliation with it.

Chapter Seven

The plan was to let Kylie and Jessica think that I had actually had sex with Tyler. I figured if they thought the deed was done, they would let it go with him, and he in turn would let it go with me. The goal was to never hear from him again, and I figured he wouldn’t tell my roommates the truth. He would just take the money and disappear, which couldn’t happen soon enough for my taste.

It didn’t take long to put the plan into effect. I was studying at my desk the next morning, unable to stomach going back to bed after my shower, my eyes gritty, head throbbing from lack of sleep when Kylie sat up in bed, yawning.

“Oh my God, last night was crazy,” were her first words. Her second, which came after she threw a stuffed penguin at Jessica to wake her up, were: “Tell me how it was with Tyler.”

I was expecting their curiosity, and frankly, I had some curiosity of my own. I didn’t think I was ever going to really get an answer that would satisfy me, certainly not without telling them I knew the truth, but I still wanted to scrape and poke at the layers of their comments to see what was underneath.

“It was . . . quick,” I said, because that wasn’t being deceptive. What had happened between us was over in minutes.

Kylie made a face. “Did you come?”

I nodded, flicking my pen back and forth across my palm. I didn’t want to remember that moment, holding onto him, his mouth on my breast, my body tight and tense and aroused. Yet at the same time, I wanted to relive it over and over, which meant I had zero pride and no self-esteem whatsoever. I shouldn’t want to repeat it.

“Well, that’s something at least.” Jessica peeled the covers back, kicking them to the bottom of her bed. “God, I’m sweating balls. Why did he bring you back here? Was it like right after?”

“Yes. And I don’t know. He said he thought it was best.” I studied both of them, trying to read their expressions. They didn’t look anything but annoyed with Tyler and mildly hungover. “I guess he just got what he wanted, right? No reason for me to hang around.”

They exchanged an uneasy glance. “I’m sure that’s not it,” Jessica protested. “Maybe he had to work today or something. The important thing is that you had a good time.”

“I did.” But there was no warmth in my voice, and we all heard it.

Kylie started down from her loft. “You don’t regret it, do you?”

I thought about it, fiddling with the strap on my cami. I hadn’t bothered to get dressed yet. I felt and looked like ass. But did I regret what I had done with Tyler?

“No,” I said truthfully. “I don’t regret it.” I regretted that he had felt like he needed to be paid to mess around with me. I regretted that my roommates felt like someone needed to be paid to want to stick his dick in me. That didn’t boost my confidence about my desirability and it reminded me of Grant’s parting words—that no one wanted me. Yet I didn’t actually regret kissing Tyler, which made me question my sanity.

“Oh, thank God,” she said, holding her perfect yellow manicure up to her T-shirt. “I would feel so shitty if you regretted it.”

“Why?” I asked, sharper than I intended. I didn’t think that she was about to confess, and she didn’t.

“Because we like totally encouraged you.”

“Why?” I repeated.

Kylie looked nervously to Jessica, who definitely tended to be more articulate. They were clearly picking up on the vibe that I was upset, and I tried to soften my mouth, my forehead. I was angry, but I wasn’t going to hold anything against them. Yes, I was furious that they had set me up to potentially be humiliated or used or mistreated, but strange as it was, I knew their hearts were in the right place.

But I needed time to cool down, to process what had happened.

Jessica pulled her hair off her lip where it had been stuck, most likely in lip-gloss remnants, and reached for a water bottle she had on the floor. “Rory, the thing is, you’re this amazing person, and no one ever really gets to see it because you hold yourself back from everyone. We thought that maybe if you got physically close with someone, that maybe you’d be able to get emotionally close with someone too.”

Stunned, I stared at her. “You think I hold back?”

She nodded. “I know you do. Maybe it’s because of your mom . . . but anyway, we shouldn’t have pushed you. I hope we didn’t encourage you to do something you didn’t really want to because I will hate myself if we did.”

Did I hold back? Was observer equal to emotionally withdrawn? It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be involved . . . I didn’t think. Thoughts swirling in my head, I assured Jessica with a tightness in my throat, “No. No, you didn’t. Don’t worry. I’m not upset with you.”

They were my only two friends, and I wasn’t about to lose them, not even under these circumstances.

***

On Tuesday in the food court at the university center, I saw Kylie, over by the pasta and pizza restaurant, locked in a heated conversation with Tyler. While my cheeks burned, I hoped she was telling him what I had told her, that I’d had sex with him, so he would understand I had lied for a reason, and that he was off the hook, free and clear. Because my plan to have him stop talking to me had been an epic fail so far.

Sunday he had texted me.

Had fun with u last nite.

Surprised, I tapped the lame response

Thanks, me too.

Want to come to Nathans? Were watching football.

I have too much studying to do. Go Bengals.

Bengals suck. Watching the Giants.

To which I didn’t reply. I didn’t give a shit about either football team, and I didn’t have any studying to do, unless you counted reading ahead to the next book in lit, and there was no way I wanted to do that. I just wanted him to leave me alone.

Monday he texted again.

Whatya doin 2nite?

Working.

Only until 5, but he didn’t need to know that.

Want to hang out after?

I have a chem lab report to write so I shouldn’t.

Again, I wasn’t lying.