Undead and Unreturnable

"What just happened?" I asked Jon on the way to the front door. "Did we make up? Are we back together again? We were ever not together? Did he change his mind after he saw me get stabbed? Should I hold a grudge because of the whole felony assault thing in my bedroom? Or should we call it even because I smacked the shit out of him right after? And why am I asking you this stuff? Where's Tina? Where's Jess?"

"So it's true!" Jon cried, fumbling for his Sidekick with one hand and frantically brushing his shaggy bangs out of his eyes with the other. "Betsy, we've got to pick up where we left off."

"Shhhhhh!" I could hear Jess and Nick chit-chatting from the next room. "Not while Nick is here."

"Nick would be..." He consulted his tiny notes. "Detective Nick Berry. Ooh, yuck, that's inconvenient."

"To say the least. We're not sure what he knows, so for Christ's sake don't be babbling about vampires and swords and shit while he's around."

"Don't worry. You can count on me. You know you can."

"Well, thanks." I smiled at him. Then I frowned. "You know, I was excited about Jessica dating this guy, but now I'm starting to wonder..."

"But when can we get together again?" he whined.

"Come shopping with Laura and me. She knows most of my dirty little secrets. You wouldn't have to keep your mouth shut around her." And I had a feeling that what happened in the basement was going to be off-limits, conversation-wise, for a long, long time.

"Okay!" he said, and actually pumped his fist in the air. I cried dry tears over what a geek loser he was and went to get my coat.

Dear Betsy,

I died about ten years ago, and as you know, basically all I've cared about since is the thirst. But things are different now. I've been keeping up with my hometown newspaper, and I've read that my dad is going to retire. He was only 39 when I became a vampire. He's never seen me since, and neither has anyone else in my family. What should I do? I know I'm supposed to keep a low profile, but I really miss my folks and would like to see what they've been up to.

Sign me,

Family Friendly in Fridley

Dear Fridley,

For crying out loud, go see your dad. If you don't want them to know you're a vampire, make shit up... you've been recruited by a secret government agency and that's why you went missing for so long. So secret you can't talk about it, or even stay very long, but they should be super-proud of you because you're out saving the world.

Something like that. Thrust me, they'll be thrilled you're not dead. They won't even think of awkward questions until you're long gone.

Your queen,

Betsy