Vampires Need Not…Apply? (Accidentally Yours #4)(14)
Author: Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

He laughed into the air like a madman.

“What’s so funny?” Sporadic, inappropriately timed laughter always put Ixtab on edge. It reminded her of Belch right before something bad happened.

Kinich’s laughter died with a little sputter. “The irony. That’s what’s so goddamned funny.” He rubbed his forehead. “There was a time—not too long ago, in fact—that I would have given anything, anything at all, to be a vampire.”

Eww… “Why?” she asked.

“Right after I met Penelope, she was attacked by the Maaskab in her apartment and I happened to be on the phone with her.” He paused and swallowed. “The torture of listening to her screams was unbearable, and I said to myself, ‘I’m a deity. A goddamned deity! And I can’t save her. But a vampire could. A vampire could simply sift to her and always be there to protect her.’ ”

“You’re saying that you really wanted to become a vampire? Just to protect her?” Ixtab couldn’t believe that a god, the most powerful god in the Universe, would want such a thing.

“I suppose I did. Now, that doesn’t matter. Not only am I unable to sift because the Maaskab barricaded that dimension, I’m Penelope’s biggest threat. In fact, thank gods I can’t sift; there’d be no way to keep her safe from me.”

Wow. In some ways, he was right. Vampires being unable to sift was a hidden blessing. Funny how things sorta work out that way sometimes.

“She’s f**king better off without me,” he added.

“Ahhh. Spoken like a clueless dipshit. Because with the sort of despair she’s enduring, she will end up with someone, and that someone will be Zac.”

Kinich’s nostrils flared. “Zac?”

“Yes, brother. She has the weight of the world on her shoulders and a baby on the way. If she fails…” Ixtab couldn’t bear to finish the dreary, apocalyptic thought. “Everything is at stake, and she needs someone to stand by her side. Friends aren’t enough. The gods aren’t enough. She needs… you. And if she can’t have you, then eventually she will cave. Zac is quite determined.”

Kinich snarled.

Ixtab nodded. “Good. I’m glad you understand. I’ll be back to check on you tomorrow. In the meantime, I suggest you take this.” She slipped a small, insulated pouch from her enormous floral handbag. “It’s a vial of Penelope’s blood from her doctor. Start desensitizing yourself.”

Kinich’s eyes fixated on the pouch. Saliva dribbled from the corner of his mouth.

Oh, sweet gods. “Get a hold of yourself. It’s only blood.”

“It smells…” He sniffed the air. “Delicious.”

It was going to be a very, very long week. “Just don’t drink the stuff. I had Belch put a drop of his ball sweat in the vial.”

Kinich dropped his head. “You are too cruel.”

It was the only way to keep him from gulping it down, given Ixtab couldn’t very well keep running back to the well now, could she?

“Perrrty much.” Ixtab headed for the door. “And by the way, brother, I met your baby. It is beautiful. I’ve never felt a more pure and happy soul. I suggest you remember that when you say you cannot cure yourself of this desire for Penelope’s blood.”

Kinich didn’t blink, didn’t move, didn’t breathe. “Is it a boy or a girl?”

Ixtab shrugged. “If you wanna know, you’ll have to get your act together and help Penelope save the world.”

She slammed the door behind her and smiled. She’d seen his aura shift from a deep gray to a light brown. Yes, there was hope for him yet.

* * *

Eighteen saves, twenty-five cleanses, and one accidental death later, Ixtab stood before a group of unfamiliar faces. “Hi. My name is Ixtab. My friends call me…” Darn, I really need to get some friends so I can have nickname. “… Ixtab.”

“Hi, Ixtab.”

“It’s been”—she looked at her pastel yellow watch—“ten minutes and seventeen seconds since I last killed an innocent mortal.”

Applause.

Why are they clapping? It’s awful!

Because you compelled them to be attentive and polite perhaps?

“Well, the reason I’m here is because something strange is happening. Take today, for example. I’d just removed the darkness from this poor woman who spends her days feeding the homeless and had fallen into a horrible slump; simply saw too much suffering is my guess. Anyway, I cleansed her, found a few thugs hanging out in front of the liquor store. Cleansed. Went on my merry way. I didn’t make it two blocks until my body filled up with dark energy again.”

The group of elderly women exchanged glances.

“I know, it’s weird. Right?” Ixtab said. “And the strangest part is that it started after I helped that physicist. I can’t get his damned taste out of my mouth.” Ixtab smacked her lips. “His darkness is kind of nutty.” Ixtab snorted. “Oh! Get it? Nutty Professor. I’m on fire today.”

Crickets.

She rolled her eyes. “Cut me some slack. I’m the Goddess of Suicide. Comedy doesn’t come naturally. Neither does not lopping people’s heads off when they don’t laugh at my jokes.” She paused. “Seeee? That was a joke. I really suck at this. Almost as badly as I suck at smiling. I once went an entire century without smiling—not that anyone would ever notice since I wear a veil.”

Someone chuckled under their breath.

“That wasn’t a joke.” She shook her head. Why was her suffering always funny? That just didn’t seem right.

Ixtab sighed. “As I was saying… now I’m unsure what to do. I cleansed twice this afternoon—a sweet score: bagged a murderer and a pimp. But I keep filling up again. Any ideas what to do?”

“Have you tried praying?” The slightly plump woman, wearing a gray sweater garnished with white cat hair, pointed toward the chapel in the other room.

Ixtab shook her head. “My prayers don’t get a lot of traction with the whole killing innocent people and all. Even if it’s by accident.”

“How about knitting?” asked one woman who sat farthest away in the circle. She had deep smile lines etched into her kind, wrinkly face. “When I have trouble finding an answer, I knit. Then the answer just pops in my head.”

Ixtab bobbed her head. “Sure. Why not? What are we knitting today?”