Vampires Need Not…Apply? (Accidentally Yours #4)(38)
Author: Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

“Whoa!” He held out his hands. “I came to perform the ritual of immortal groveling. That’s why I’m here.”

Immortal groveling? Ugh. That was so last baktun. That stale, old ritual was Fate’s idea and entailed nothing more than sacrificing a large animal in the deity’s name, followed by a feast of the god’s favorite dishes. Ixtab didn’t even like meat. Unless you counted vampire ass as meat.

“And in exchange for your forgiveness and leniency, I will…” Again he glanced at his paper.

Ixtab swiped it from his hands and read the list.

1. You will wash the goddess’s feet, rub them with essential oils, kiss her toes, and then paint them pink.

2. At no time during the period of groveling, will you wear a shirt or call her by name. “Oh Divine One” shall be used.

3. You will prepare her favorite dish, and when you serve her, you will walk only on your knees.

4. You will write and recite a poem about the smallness and insignificance of your manhood while belly dancing with a sword balanced on your head.

5. And finally, you will offer your body to the goddess for a night of pleasure.

6. If by dawn you have not pleased her, you are to offer your pancreas.

She could scarcely contain her laughter. This sounded like the groveling ritual Cimil had proposed way back—minus the clown flogging and unicorn rodeo. It had gotten Ixtab’s vote—minus the clown flogging—but Fate had convinced everyone to take the high road. Piff! Fate… such a goody-goody.

“Who gave this sacred ritual to you?” Ixtab asked in her most serious voice.

Antonio bowed his head. “Penelope and Kinich. They said if I did not come in person and do these”—he swallowed something sticking in his throat. Perhaps his pride?—“things, that you would unleash a global plague or famine.”

Oh no. She had no intention of doing that. Not that she ever would. On purpose, anyway. Well, there’d be no accidental disasters today. Whatever public shame she would endure for being whacked by a lowly creature of the night would be well worth it; watching Antonio humiliate himself was going to be fun. Payback is such a… well, I’m not a bitch. But the argument has been made that I am cold, reckless, and deadly. Creadly? Yes, that’s it. Payback is a creadly.

“I’ll think about not smiting humanity. Now, get to the groveling!” she barked.

Antonio bowed his head and gestured with his arm. “This way, Oh Divine One. I have a Jeep waiting for you down the path.”

Ixtab smiled and sauntered past, but then her smiled turned to a frown. What would she do when he got to number five?

Oh, Ixtab. What the hell are you talking about? He’s an icky vampire. As if he could ever tempt you.

Yes. But he’s a sexy, icky vampire I can touch and who makes me… tingle. The urge to touch him was suddenly overwhelming. Maybe the joke was on her.

Panic, fear, and anger set in. Panic, because she was in new territory. What if he really offered himself to her? She’d never been with anyone, and he was quite experienced. Fear, because she realized how much the idea pleased her. Anger, because any advance on his part would not be genuine. He’d been tricked into it, believing that ha**ng s*x with her would avert a global catastrophe.

Well, she wouldn’t accept his offer. She was too good to take a peace-offering sex handout from an icky vampire. She was a goddess. An ancient, immortal soul of divine origin. That’s right. She was like royalty of the Universe.

Who really, really wants to be liked for being herself.

You idiot! You sound like some mortal teenager pining for captain of the football team.

She gave herself a mental flogging. It didn’t do the trick; she still wanted him. And wanted him to want her back.

Oh, boy, I’m in trouble…

Which meant so was he. Everyone knew Ixtab was bad news. Creadly…

* * *

Antonio felt uneasy. Extremely uneasy. At first, because he wasn’t sure what the deadly goddess might do to him. But then… he’d seen the goddess naked. He didn’t mean to look, but when she fell, he’d stolen a glance of her body—sleek, muscular, tanned, and curvy—laid out on the ground. Gods save him. At least he hadn’t seen her front. That ass was enough to push him over the edge of sanity. Smooth golden skin over two perfectly shaped mounds with a crease cutting across the tops of her back thighs, separating those silky legs from that blissful ass. Oh, gods, there was no way she could be a monster.

Could she? Or had she lied about the reason she covered her face?

Santa Maria. If only he hadn’t killed her, he would have seen what hid behind the curtain.

Yes, coño, then you wouldn’t be with her now. And whether he liked to admit it or not, a tiny part of him felt insanely satisfied to be near her, the two of them alone, to see her alive and well and full of her usual piss and vinegar.

Santos, the woman is death personified. He and death had a long, long history. The take away? Not the best of amigos. Nor would they ever be. Lately it seemed that fate had it out for him. First by making him a vampire, which he was determined to not let change who he fundamentally was at his innermost core and deter him from fulfilling his destiny, and then by tempting him with the female who not only killed, but also seemed to enjoy it on some level.

Perhaps you are overthinking the situation. She does not reciprocate any sexual desires you have for her. Or, should I say, if she had any, that is now over.

In fact, what started out as a very successful groveling ritual had turned down a dark, murky path filled with cobweb-covered potholes, rotting vegetation, and venomous snakes. Ixtab’s disposition, for no apparent reason, shifted from mild irritation to outright hostility the moment they got into the Jeep.

The night now set upon them, he shifted gears into second and wound down the dirt road through thick, impenetrable jungle as the GPS instructed. He’d been told by Penelope that everything would be waiting for them upon their arrival. The Uchben had a garrison nearby and would see to it that the lakeside villa was cleaned, stocked, and ready for them.

He pulled into the gravel driveway lined with tiki torches. Unable to drive any farther, Antonio turned off the engine, but didn’t dare look at the goddess in her tight black dress. Who knew how much longer his leather pants would hold? “Guess we’re here.”

“Great. I love walking barefoot. If I’m lucky, I’ll find a nice juicy slug or scorpion to greet my toes.”

Caray. He knew he’d forgotten something: her flip-flops. He’d left them on the plane. Ironically, she liked her flip-flops loud and sparkly. Who would have guessed?