Vamps and the City

"They... like the show?"

With a snort, he stopped in front of her. "They hate you."

She gripped her hands together. "I can explain - "

"I thought I told you that the Sexiest Man on Earth had to be a vampire."

"He will be. The mortals will never pass all the tests."

"Did I say you could include mortal scum on a vampire show?"

"No, but you wanted a big twist, one that would shock everyone. I believe I have accomplished that."

He raised a hand to hush her. "Let me tell you what you've accomplished. You've pissed off the entire vampire world."

"I - " She stopped when he pointed a finger at her.

He stepped closer 'til the tip of his pointing finger was an inch from her face. "I have two words to say to you."

She braced herself for it. You're fired.

The corner of Sly's mouth lifted. "You're brilliant."

Her eye twitched.

"You have single-handedly caused an uproar! This is the most exciting event since the introduction of synthetic blood."

"Excuse me?"

Sly paced across the room. "We're averaging over seven hundred calls and emails an hour. Vamps all over the world are royally pissed. At us! It's fantastic."

"Huh?"

"When Wednesday night comes, the entire vampire world will come to a screeching halt while everyone watches our show. Tell me, do they kick off another mortal in the next show?"

Darcy thought back. Yes, Nicholas was booted off when he dropped Lady Pamela in the mud. "Yes, they do."

"Great!" Sly slapped his thigh. "You're a genius, Newhart. It's like you've created a war on television. Vamps will be glued to the screen to make sure the mortals are defeated."

"I see."

"They will be defeated, won't they?" Sly paused in mid-stride. "I'm warning you, Newhart, a Vamp has got to win."

"Yes, sir."

"Have you finished recording yet?"

"No. We have three nights left."

"And the last night - when are you shooting that?"

"This Friday."

Sly nodded. "I want to be there to personally hand over the harem and the check to the winner. It'll be great!"

"Yes, sir."

Sly grinned. "That's it, Newhart. Good work."

"Thank you." She headed for the door.

"Just remember, a Vamp has to win."

"No problem." Darcy exhaled in relief as she strode to her office. She still had a job. And Austin had agreed that he and Garrett would get eliminated in the next round. In her office, she worked on the second show that would air on Wednesday.

After a few minutes, the receptionist came in with a stack of phone messages and emails. "Sly wanted you to see these."

Darcy thumbed through the messages. Oh, no. Vamps from around the world were complaining about the ex-harem's old clothes and hairstyles. Some were even poking fun at them.

Darcy had tried so hard to get the ladies to modernize. These messages might do the trick.

She worked until Gregori and Maggie arrived. They were relieved she still had a job and that the show would continue.

Maggie studied the messages that blasted the ex-harem's taste. "You know what this means?"

"That Lady Pamela will have the vapors?" Gregori muttered.

Maggie smiled. "Yes. But then, we'll be doing makeovers."

Chapter 19

"This is just wrong," Gregori muttered. "You can't pay me enough for this kind of humiliation."

Darcy winced. "Actually, I'm not paying you at all." It was Monday night, and she was in the hot tub with Gregori and Vanda, getting ready to record the fourth episode of The Sexiest Man on Earth. "You agreed to help me out of the goodness of your heart, remember?"

Gregori sank deeper into the hot bubbly water. "That's my problem. I'm too damned nice. Nice guys never get the girl."

Vanda laughed. "Come on, Gregori. You have two women all to yourself right now."

He snorted. "I haven't noticed either of you being very friendly. I'm sitting here all alone in my little corner - "

"Pouting." Darcy finished his sentence for him.

He splashed water at her face. "You said I would be well dressed for the show. That means tuxedos, not this - this spandex underwear I'm wearing. It barely covers the goods."

"Stop worrying." Darcy splashed water back. "You look great in a Speedo."

"Yeah." Vanda winked at him. "You look as sexy as those male dancers last night."

"Don't remind me." Gregori scowled at them. "I never should have taken you ladies to that raunchy club."

"But we had fun," Vanda protested. "And we needed to celebrate the successful makeovers."

"You cost me four hundred dollars!"

"We did?" Darcy asked. "But we only ordered one drink apiece and that was just for looks."

"You forget that Vanda stuffed some money into the leopard guy's furry underwear," Gregori grumbled. "Money she got from me."

Darcy shrugged. "It was only a buck."

"It was a twenty," Gregori growled. "And then all the ladies had to try it. Over and over."

Darcy winced. No wonder the male dancers had practically climbed all over the ex-harem ladies. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize they were spending so much money."

"Why didn't you stuff some money?" Vanda asked.

Darcy shrugged. "I wasn't in the mood." And they weren't Austin. Even with male dancers gyrating in front of her face, she'd only wanted to think about Austin. She should have been angrier with him. He'd lied to her. Spied on her and her friends. But he'd also confessed to being in love with her. How could she stay angry when he loved her?

"Not in the mood?" Vanda looked aghast. "But leopard guy was so hot. And I loved that cowboy with the sexy pants."

"Those were chaps," Darcy clarified. And they were indeed sexy when the cowboy forgot to wear his trousers underneath. At some point, while she was getting whiplashed with the flying fringe of Cowboy's chaps, she'd realized how easily she had forgiven Austin. The only explanation she could come up with was that she still loved him very much. Too much to just give up.

"Well, I was definitely in the mood." Vanda fanned herself. "Cowboy was packing quite a six-shooter."

"Yeah." Darcy grimaced. "I was afraid he'd have an accidental discharge."

Vanda laughed. "And that firefighter guy - wow! I've never seen such a long hose."

"Enough!" Gregori growled. "I really don't want these mental images. It's bad enough that..."

"What?" Darcy asked.

"Nothing. I'm glad the ladies enjoyed themselves."

"Me, too." Darcy nodded. After their makeover, the ladies had looked young and beautiful. It had been wonderful at the club, watching them realize how attractive they still were. And how much power they could still wield over men.

Gregori crossed his arms, frowning. "If you ever want to go there again, I'll drop you off and come back later."

"You didn't enjoy it?" Vanda asked.

He snorted. "The cowboy asked me for my phone number."

Darcy choked, trying not to laugh. "Poor Gregori. Too sexy for your own good."

He glowered at her. "And now you want to use me as man bait? This was not part of my job description."

"But it's the only way to test the next qualifier," Darcy insisted. "Qualification number seven states that the Sexiest Man on Earth has to like women."

"That was my idea." Vanda smoothed back her wet purple hair. "That's why I get to do the judging tonight."

"And qualification number eight says he must know how to please a woman," Darcy continued. "Vanda will verify that, too."

"Yes." She sighed. "It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it."

Gregori looked appalled. "You're going to make out with all six guys? In front of the cameras?"

"Don't worry." Vanda adjusted her bikini top so her purple bat tattoo could be seen. "I won't do anything too shocking."

"No nudity," Darcy warned her. Sheesh, Sly was going to love this episode. She only hoped Austin would refuse to get in the hot tub with Vanda. The thought of Vanda making a move on him was too awful to contemplate. But surely, Austin would refuse to cooperate. After all, he was supposed to get eliminated tonight.

Maggie walked across the lit pool area until she reached them. "The men are ready and waiting in the greenhouse."

"They're all wearing swimsuits?" Darcy asked. "And their anklets?"

"Yes. And they drew numbers to see who would go first."

"Who is first?" Vanda asked.

"Otto." Maggie grimaced. "He's wearing an itsy-bitsy bikini. And he's oiled his skin up. He said he wanted his bulges to glisten in the moonlight."

Darcy groaned.

Vanda grinned. "I'm ready."

"I'm not." Gregori sank in the water up to his chin.

"Let's get started." Darcy cued the cameramen.

Maggie walked back to the greenhouse where she'd release the men one at a time. The pool lay between the greenhouse and the hot tub. A patio chair had been positioned on each side of the pool. Maggie opened the glass French doors to the greenhouse. Otto appeared in the opening, his massive body swallowing up the entire space.

"That's our cue." Darcy climbed out of the hot tub. With a groan, Gregori did the same. Darcy sauntered to the patio chair on the south side of the pool. Gregori headed to the chair on the north side. The cameras followed their progress.

It was a bit embarrassing, she had to admit. Here she was in a revealing bikini, dripping water as she walked, just to see if she could catch a man's attention. And all of this would be seen on international vampire television.

Poor Gregori. This could be really embarrassing for him.

Otto strode across the terrace. As soon as he realized the cameras had turned to him, he paused to strike a pose.

"Ya, I am pumped up for tonight." He turned his back to the cameras to show off more bulges. Then he pivoted to the side to show off his biceps.

Darcy grew tired of watching and sat in the patio chair. She waved at Gregori on the other side of the pool. He sat and scowled at her. The purpose of this exercise was to test each man's sexual preference. When the contestant left the greenhouse, he would either look in Darcy's direction or Gregori's. Unfortunately, Otto was too in love with himself to notice either of them.

Finally, Otto ran out of poses and strode around the pool. He stopped in front of Darcy. "You vant de Otto, ya?"

"Oh, yeah." Darcy pointed at Vanda. "But she wants you first."

"Ya, de ladies have to vait deir turn." Otto chuckled as he strolled toward the hot tub. He jumped in, sloshing water over the side. "De Otto has arrived to pump you up."

It wasn't long before Vanda was personally checking out Otto's bulges. Darcy turned her chair to the side to keep from seeing more than she wanted. Gregori drew her attention when he pretended to be choking himself and gagging.

"My bulges are growing, ya?" Otto announced with his booming voice. "It is time to play in de Otto zone."

"Cut!" Darcy jumped to her feet. "That's enough, Otto."

"Bye, Otto." Vanda retreated to the far side of the hot tub.

Otto climbed out and passed by Darcy on his way back to the greenhouse. She gazed at the sky to avoid seeing any bulges that had recently occurred. Then, she lowered herself into the hot tub to warm up.

Vanda grinned. "I believe Otto passed the test."

Darcy nodded. And the other ladies, who were watching this on the television in their parlor, would most likely agree.

Gregori sat on the edge of the hot tub and dangled his feet in the water. "How can you stand that guy? He's so full of himself."

Vanda shrugged. "I've seen worse."

"But I thought you ladies were only interested in vampire sex," Gregori said.

"True." Vanda smoothed back her hair. "But I'm working on the theory that a Vamp would have to be good at sex in order to project good sex in his mind."

Darcy had never engaged in vampire sex, but she wondered if it was possible with Austin. After all, he did have psychic powers.

Gregori motioned toward the greenhouse. The next contestant was standing in the doorway. "It's showtime again." He stood and strode back to his chair on the north side of the pool.

Darcy strolled toward her chair. Her steps slowed when she realized Pierre from Brussels wasn't looking at her. She cast a warning glance at Gregori. He was lounging in his patio chair, gazing at the stars, completely oblivious to the fact that he'd acquired a new admirer.

Pierre crossed the terrace, then headed north around the pool. Gregori sat up with a jerk and gave Darcy a murderous look.

She winced and mouthed the word, "Sorry."

Pierre stopped next to Gregori and murmured something. Even across the pool, Darcy could see how red Gregori's face was. Pierre completed his walk toward the hot tub and stepped in. Vanda talked to him for a while. Then, she shook hands with him. He headed back to the greenhouse, circling the pool to the north.

Gregori saw him coming and dove into the pool. His teeth were chattering by the time he joined Darcy and Vanda in the hot tub. "That pool is freezing." He sank into the hot water up to his chin and closed his eyes.