Wanderlust

He was right, and as I check it off and we leave, I can’t help but feel time speed even faster. Ruthlessly faster.

It’s as if a bartender set a gigantic piña colada in front of me, and I’m not stopping until I finish the last sip. But that’s the problem. We’re nearing the end of the glass, and I desperately want to get drunk on another one.

When I run past the Salvador Dali sundial on Rue Saint-Jacques a few days later, I curse it. Because it doesn’t work. It’s a cruel trick, in a way, to make you think time doesn’t matter.

That’s a lie.

As my feet fly along the pavement, I find myself filled with regret. Regret that I didn’t pursue something with Joy that first day I helped her with her flat. Regret that I didn’t kiss her that Sunday afternoon at Île de la Cité. Regret over all the times I wanted to tell her how I felt, but I held back.

I’ll never retrieve those lost hours now, and I want them more than anything. Because they’d mean more time with her. I want so much more. But the days don’t stop coming just because we want to slow their pace.

Maybe that’s why there are so many damn sundials in this city. It’s like a DaVinci Code secret, and the revelation is that time is the only thing that matters. It’s the ultimate non-renewable resource, and I’ve squandered it.

Soon, I run past Shakespeare and Company bookshop, where I meet up with Christian. He’s been out of the country on an assignment for the last several days. He joins me for the final two miles. At last we finish, grab some waters, and down them at the river’s edge, the sun dropping low in the afternoon sky, burning off the day. Spring is ending, and summer is weaving its way to the city, bringing blue skies and sunshine.

It doesn’t suit my mood, so it pisses me off. I look away from the sun. “The other night. Joy’s friend?” I ask, since I need to switch gears to something besides my situation. “Anything there?”

Christian wiggles his eyebrows. “Elise is great.”

“And?”

“And nothing happened, to answer your real question.”

“That’s so unlike you.”

“I’ve been known to hold out from time to time.”

“She seemed keen on you. She must have wretched taste.”

“The worst,” he says, with a laugh. “And the keenness is mutual.”

“Then why not make a go of it?”

He pushes his palms to the ground, the sign to slow down. “Settle down, mate. All in due time.”

But that’s rubbish. There’s no time to waste. “Good thing you can see her whenever you want,” I mutter.

He shrugs and scratches his jaw. “You could see Joy whenever you wanted.”

“Yes, I have a private jet at my disposal to whisk me around the world.”

“That’s not what I mean, and you know it.”

I glance at my watch, ignoring the comment. “I need to go pack some more.”

“You’re really doing this?”

“My lease is up.”

He scoffs. “It’s your mum’s sister’s flat.”

“I told Sophie I was going. She’s known for a couple of months—since I bought the plane ticket. I might be her nephew, but it’s still real estate she can rent. And she’s in the process of doing so.”

Christian arches a brow. “Ten euros says you could get it back from her.”

I look away from him, staring at the water, wishing for an answer. Hell, I wish Ethan had left an answer. A proviso, an addendum. Hey, if you fall in love, ignore my wishes. Love, your little brother.

“Doubtful. Besides, it is what it is.”

He sighs and says nothing. He gazes at the water, too. A minute later, he speaks. “Listen, I’d get you a parting gift for when you go, but the best gift I can give you is this: I’ll look out for your girl and make sure she isn’t too sad.”

I narrow my eyes.

“Calm your tits. I don’t mean it like that. I’m not putting the moves on her. I mean I’ll be there if she needs anyone to lift heavy objects or read a fucking contract.”

I laugh and clap him on the back. “I appreciate that. Especially the heavy lifting. That’s what friends are for.”

When I head to my flat, I pack a few more boxes. I don’t have a lot of stuff. Most of my possessions I’m sending home to store at my parents’. The furniture is Sophie’s.

As I stare at the walls, it’s looking emptier, less lived in.

I guess item number one is truly coming to a close. Live in Paris for a year. It’s nearly done. I sink down on the couch, log onto my laptop, and check on my flight reservation. My finger hovers over the request a refund button. Today’s the last day to cancel without a fee.

“Damn it,” I mutter. Why isn’t my brother’s postscript: if you complete six or seven items, we’ll call it good?

I drop my head to my hand, wishing I was willing to ignore his requests. Wishing I knew how.

Honestly, for the first time ever, I want to be a selfish prick and say I’ve done enough. I want to say I’ve done all I can. I want the permission to choose Plan B, whatever the hell that is. I don’t know what it would be, but maybe someone else does. Maybe someone who loves him as deeply as I do, and likely more. I call that person.

“Hi. Is everything okay?”

I smile. “Yes, Mum. Just packing and whatnot.”

“How is it going?”

Awful. “Fine. How are you?”

“I’m great. Your dad and I are on our way to the movies. We’re seeing a comedy. Can you believe it?”

I rub my ear as if there’s water in it. “Come again?”

She laughs. “I’ve gone mad, right? We’re going to a Dwayne Johnson film on a Friday night.”

“Yes. When did you become a fan of Dwayne Johnson? For that matter, when did you start liking mainstream movies? I thought you were Miss Art Cinema.”

“People change,” she says, and I can hear a smile in her voice. Even from this distance I can tell it’s authentic. “I found I needed comedy more than sad films with unhappy endings. I like popcorn flicks that make me laugh now.”

“Including those with beefy actors, evidently.”

“Seems that way,” she says, laughing, then she clears her throat. “Griffin, love. I’m sorry to do this, but can we chat later?”

I sit up straighter, startled a bit. I can’t remember a time when she’s ended a call first. “Sure. Call me when you’re through.”

She takes a breath. “We’re meeting some friends after. I’m not sure when I’ll be home.”

“Right. Of course. Have fun.”

When I hang up, I’m left with the oddest feeling. I’ve been blown off by my parents, who are living their lives. My parents are heading to the cinema, going out with friends, and I’m sitting here in a nearly empty apartment, getting ready to leave the woman I love.

I click back to the web browser with my ticket on it. The clock on the browser ticks. A few more hours. I stare at the countdown for one minute, then another. My mind wanders to earlier today. To that broken sundial that gives no clue as to when you’re supposed to be somewhere. I’d be aimless if I relied on that damn Dali.

But this computer clock?

This one says something, loud and clear.

It’s not too late.