Warmth in Ice (Find You in the Dark #2.5)(8)
Author: A. Meredith Walters

I tried really hard not to be angry. But the desperate need to see her trumped rational thinking. And that stupid, insecure part of me worried that she was slowly and deliberately moving on.

Whether I wanted to or not, I obsessed at times about what she was doing at college. Yeah, she filled me in on classes and friends and parties but I couldn’t be sure she wasn’t keeping something from me.

And those f**king guys, Jackass and Jackassier seemed to come by every time we talked lately. I had tried to calmly ask who the f**k they were but Maggie laughed it off, saying they were her friends that lived in the dorm.

If they saw her as only a friend, than I’d cut off my left nut. Even through a damn computer screen I saw the way they looked at my girl. She was gorgeous; of course they’d look at her the way I always looked at her. And that filled me with a rage that was scary and consuming.

I knew being apart was going to be hard. I hadn’t been delusional. Even still, the sharp pain in the gut I felt every time I had to hang up the phone or shut down my computer, took the wind from my sails.

I was convinced it would be easier if I knew Maggie was at least making an effort to try to see me. I would be able to control all of these ridiculous insecurities if I knew we’d see each other soon.

But as things stood right now, I had no f**king clue when I’d see her again. And I wasn’t hearing her making any plans. I wanted her to live her life and do her thing, but I also needed to know that I fit into her world somehow.

Don’t judge me for being a whiny bitch. I hadn’t developed a bad case of PMS. I was just a guy trying to get better who needed reassurance that the girl he loved was right there beside me, where she said she would be.

Looking at the time, I knew Maggie had an hour before she had to be in her next class. Sitting down in front of the computer, I logged onto Skype and saw that she was online.

Feeling nervous and more than a little agitated, I called her. It rang once before she answered. I watched as her pixilated face cleared and she smiled brilliantly at me.

“Hey you,” she said softly, her brown eyes happy, her mouth smiling.

“Hey,” I said back, crossing my arms over my chest and leaning back in my chair. I was in a defensive posture. I knew I was communicating a mad amount of tension. But I was feeling f**king tense and I wasn’t a guy who could cover up his emotions with random bullshit.

If I felt it, I said it. I lived it. I showed it. It’s who I was. So pretending otherwise wasn’t an option.

Maggie’s smile slipped and then finally disappeared. “What’s wrong?” she asked. We had moved way past beating around the bush. Maggie and I had learned the hard way it was better to get the nastiness out of the way so we could move on.

“Are you coming down here for fall break?” I asked shortly. Maggie’s face shuttered instantly and the grim set of her lips was all the answer I needed.

“I’ll take that as a no,” I bit out angrily.

Maggie rubbed her forehead, her eyes closing in exasperation. “Clay, don’t start this crap. I don’t have the money to fly myself and my parents won’t give me the money for that. Not right now,” she excused.

“Did you ask them?” I asked her.

Maggie chewed on her bottom lip and tucked her brown hair behind her ears. “I know what they would say,” she muttered.

“So you didn’t ask them. You don’t know for sure they would have said no,” I surmised, feeling a sad realization like a cold rejection in my heart. She hadn’t even tried.

Here I was, trying like hell to become the person she needed me to be. Planning a future that included her in every way possible. But was she doing the same?

Because right now, I wasn’t so sure.

“Clay, you know as well as I do that there was no way in hell my parents would fork over five hundred bucks for me to fly to Florida and back. Not when they’re still trying to get comfortable with you and me. I promise…”

I cut her off. “Save it, alright,” I growled.

Maggie’s shoulders drooped and I tried to ignore the sudden glassiness in her eyes. “Don’t you think I want to see you? That I feel only half alive without you? Don’t make this into something it isn’t,” she pleaded, wiping at her eyes.

I had to look away because if I focused on her sad face, I’d crumble. “What about me, Maggie? What do you think I’m feeling being down here? I don’t know what you’re doing. What you’re thinking,” I said bitterly.

Maggie laughed hatefully. “What I’m doing? Is that was this is about? Your ridiculous jealousy? I thought we got over that a long time ago, Clay…you know around the time I showed you how willing I was to throw my life away for you. How I’d follow you anywhere.”

I grit my teeth. I knew Maggie was pissed. That was the only time she’d throw the less savory pieces of our past in my face.

“Look, I’m sorry, Mags. I just didn’t realize how hard this would be. Maybe I can try to get up to see you. Come to Davidson for a few days,” I suggested illogically. There was no way Roberta would sign off on that. Plus I didn’t have the money for that kind of trip.

But at this point I’d f**king hitchhike if I could see Maggie.

Maggie’s anger melted away as quickly as mine had. “You know you can’t do that. I’ll talk to my parents, see if I can come down for Christmas…” she began but I shook my head.

“Let’s not make each other any promises we can’t keep right now. I’m not sure I can handle the disappointment,” I said, laughing humorlessly.

I was a tripwire set to detonate. These moments were a bitter reminder of the dark, twisted places my mind could go. Of where it still wanted to go.

I picked at the skin around my thumb, drawing blood. Seeing the bright red against my skin I stilled, gripping my hands into fists. “I’d better go,” I strangled out.

“Clay…” Maggie began. She shook her head, her face hidden by a long curtain of hair.

“You know I love you, right?” she asked and I hated how it felt she like was trying to convince both of us.

I nodded, still clenching my fists as tightly as they would go.

“Yeah, Mags. I know. I love you too,” I replied, the words as brittle as glass between my teeth.

Maggie was distracted by a knock on her door and I heard voices that had become unwelcomingly familiar.

“Just give me a minute to finish up and I’ll meet up with you,” Maggie was saying, her back to me as she spoke to the guy at her door.