You Make Me (Blurred Lines #1)(28)
Author: Erin McCarthy

“You’re taking the bus?” She looked horrified.

I shrugged. “I don’t have a car.” I didn’t have anything. Just a bunch of student loans and determination, and at the moment, the determination had evaporated. I felt beat up, defeated.

“Take my car, seriously. I can live without it for a few days. You’ll need it once you get there.”

That really touched me. “Oh, Aub. Are you sure?”

“Yes.” She dug her keys out of her bag and held them out for me. “Here. Just stay in touch, okay?”

I nodded, unable to speak.

“Ethan’s not a bad guy,” she murmured. “He’s just processing.”

“I know he’s not a bad guy. That’s why I said I would marry him.”

Marriage. What a joke. Happy endings weren’t for girls like me. Hadn’t I learned that already? There was no sweetheart neckline ball gown to wear at the yacht club reception in my future.

I didn’t know what my future was without Ethan.

So I went home.

“How is she?” I asked the nurse as I followed her down the hall to my mother’s room.

“She’s calm.” The nurse was in her fifties, matter of fact, but she had a kind smile. I could see she felt sympathy for me.

That wasn’t comforting. Not really. If there was sympathy then there was a reason she felt sorry for me.

When I walked into my mom’s room, I saw why. She was rail thin and looked way older than her actual age of fifty-one. Her dark hair was shot with gray and there was a bald spot on the base of her crown that I knew came from her twisting and tugging the hair there. She’d been doing that since I was a kid. She looked over at me, but it was with disinterest. I could tell she didn’t recognize me.

She just sat in a chair by the window, like she was used to no privacy and was expecting the nurse and me to do what we needed to do and leave again.

“Hi Mom,” I said. I leaned towards her and tried to hug her but she flinched.

“I don’t know you,” she said, studying me with fear.

Normally I wouldn’t get upset. But I was vulnerable, raw. It was just too much. I bit back a sob. “I’m your daughter. Caitlyn. Kitty Cat.”

“I don’t have a daughter.” She looked around me to the nurse. “Why is she here? Make her go away.”

The nurse gave me a shake of her head. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. Maybe you should come back later.”

“It’s okay.” I swiped at my eyes. “I figured she would do this. But it sucks, ya know?”

“It does. How long will you be in town?”

“Just a couple of days. Thank you.” I squeezed my mom’s shoulder. “Bye, Mom.” She gave me no reaction.

“She was better when your brother was here a few weeks ago,” the nurse told me, reaching out and rubbing my back in a maternal gesture of comfort.

“My brother was here?” I asked, amazed. Maybe Brian wasn’t such a douche after all.

“Yes. He said he’s only been back from Afghanistan for a few weeks, bless his heart. You must be so relieved he’s home safe.”

So it had been Heath visiting her, not Brian. That made more sense. It made my heart swell with gratitude. I nodded. “Very glad he’s home safe.”

What would I have done if I had found out at some point that Heath had been killed in combat? The very thought made me shudder.

I had told myself two days before that it was enough to know that Heath was somewhere in the world and that he loved me. It was enough, even if I never saw him or spoke to him. But I knew now that wasn’t true. It wouldn’t have been enough. I wouldn’t have been able to resist communicating with him at some point, and as devastated as I was by Ethan’s defection, maybe it had saved me from doing something eventually that I would despise myself for.

“I’ll stop back in a few days,” I said. “Thank you.”

It wasn’t a bad nursing facility, but it was what it was. A place for the mentally ill to subsist until they died. It was oppressive and depressing and I was amazed that any of the staff chose to work there. They were better people than me, that was for sure. Once outside, I sucked in deep breathes. My phone had been silent the entire way to Rockland.

When I’d left the house, I had heard some of my sorority sisters whispering about me behind their hands. A few had offered condolences, but I heard words like “Ethan cheated on her” and “Her old boyfriend showed up.” But the worst was, “Oh, my God, I feel so bad for her.”

If I had a dollar…

People had been feeling sorry for me as long as I was conscious of being different. I could remember being so damn excited to go to school finally and getting there and having a total stranger, a mother I’d never seen, hand me a used backpack with donated school supplies inside it. I hadn’t even realized you needed stuff to take to school, but suddenly there I was, all eyes on me, watching, as she handed me a Pikachu backpack, one eye missing, a dark smudge across the vibrant yellow. The other girls all had pretty princess packs, but I had a used boy backpack.

It had sucked all the joy out of that first day. Everyone else had labels on their supplies and crisp, clean pencil pouches and folders. Everything I had was slightly dinged up, faded. Like my house. Like my family.

Walking across the parking lot, I wondered why I felt like I needed to decide everything right then and there. I felt like when I got back to UMaine, I had to have the rest of my life figured out. Like it was more important to regroup than it was to grieve, to heal. Always rushing to the future, never tending to the present.

Maybe that was part of what Aubrey was talking about- I didn’t share. I didn’t allow myself to be open, vulnerable. I just swept it under the rug and moved on. Except now it was getting hard to walk, there was so much shit piled under my rug. Maybe I didn’t need to regroup or worry about two years from now. Maybe I just needed to do what people always swore they were going to do and live in the moment.

Except for the small fact that currently the moment sucked. I wanted to go back to the night of Homecoming, getting ready with Aubrey. When everything had made sense. When I had felt in control. But then I wondered if I really meant it, if I could, would I really turn the clock back. Would I give back seeing Heath again, knowing he was okay?

No.

I wouldn’t give that back.

Driving to the main street of town, I parked in front of the hardware store. I was about to go in when my phone buzzed. Heath. Always with me. I unlocked my phone and read his text.