A Thousand Letters

He grappled with something — I could see it behind his eyes as they searched my face, in the set of his lips as the seconds ticked by. He didn’t know what to say any more than I did. But at least he was strong enough to try.

"I … I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Your choices, your wishes are none of my business, and they haven’t been for a long time."

The heat in my cheeks spread. "You weren’t wrong."

He looked down. "I’m not right either."

I could feel his regret, his hurt, and I only wanted to take it away. I only wanted to make him whole again.

I only wished I knew how.

"Wade, really," I soothed. "It’s all right. This … this isn’t easy for any of us. Least of all you. Don’t worry about me."

He met my eyes, gray and cool as snow. "I always have. Can’t stop now."

I opened my mouth to speak, but he turned and started up the stairs.

"I really am sorry. For all of this," he said with his back to me, and then he opened the door, leaving me standing on the step, my soul staggering.

After a breath, I gathered myself up and walked in behind him, hearing a new voice from the library.

"Ben?" Wade muttered, hanging his jacket hastily before striding away with bewilderment on his face.

I watched his profile as he stood in the threshold of the room for a second, face illuminated by the sunlight streaming in the window, and he lit up from the inside with pure joy.

I didn’t move until he bolted into the room, laughing.

I hung up my coat and hat and stepped into the room to find him embracing a man whom I’d never seen before. He was as tall as Wade, with dirty blond hair cut almost identically, and he smiled a big, gleaming smile as they clapped each other on the back before pulling away.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Wade asked, grinning like a little boy on Christmas morning. I found myself smiling too, infected by their happiness, by the lightness in the room.

Ben smirked and shrugged, stuffing his hands in his pockets. He looked dashing, cavalier, without a care in the world, though his eyes hid a heaviness and sadness behind their twinkle and spark.

"Thought you could use backup. That, and I’m a terrible listener."

Wade laughed again, shaking his head as he looked Ben over. "Goddamn, I can’t believe it. I mean, I can believe it, but I didn’t think …"

He was still smiling, though it shifted, colored with unsaid understanding. "Good to see you too."

Wade stepped around him to display him to the crowded room. Sadie sat at Rick’s feet on the bed, and Sophie sat in an armchair. Lou waited on the couch, apparently next to where Ben had been. Consequently, she was looking at him like he was a warm chocolate chip cookie.

Selfish relief slipped over me at the thought of her being interested in Ben rather than Wade.

"How long have you been here?" Wade asked Ben. "Have you met everyone?"

"I just got here a bit ago, and I’ve met everyone but you," Ben said as he turned to me, flashing his friendly smile as he approached. His eyes were dark and his face boyish, full of mirth and levity, a breath of fresh air in a room stifled with the weight of the world. "I’m Ben," he said, extending his hand.

"Elliot." I took his big, strong hand and smiled. "Lovely to meet you."

Recognition flickered behind his eyes. "Same to you."

"Do you work with Wade?"

He stepped back, eyes cutting to Wade, the smile still on his lips. "I do, off and on since our first tour in Afghanistan. I’ve been following him around ever since."

"It was good of you to come," I offered, and Wade nodded, still beaming. I glanced around the room, realizing there wouldn’t be enough seating for all of us. "Let me go grab a few more chairs."

"I’ll help," Sophie said as she stood, giving me a meaningful look, falling into stride as we walked out of the room.

Once in the hallway, she sighed.

"Everything okay?" I asked, taking her arm.

She nodded as we walked into the dining room. "It’s fine. I mean, relative to everything, it’s fine. Things feel better, but it’s so strange. I’m glad he’s home, but it’s underscored by the waiting. Sadie’s trying, but she’s so young and leaves whenever she can to be with her friends. I think … I think she doesn’t know what to do. None of us know what to do."

"How could you know?" I asked quietly, looking into her eyes.

She glanced away, shaking her head, her brow heavy with worry. "I don’t know. And Wade … I think he’s struggling more than any of us, but he insists he’s fine. I just wish there were something I could do."

"You know how he is. When he needs you, he’ll ask, and if you try to force it out of him, it’ll backfire." The words were matter-of-fact, a truth.

"I just hate it. All of it. Everything. It’s not fair, Elliot." The words wavered, and I held her at arm’s length, searching her face until she met my eyes.

"You’re right. It’s not fair. It’s cruel and ugly and unjust. But we’ll endure it for your dad because this is the sum of what we have to offer him — our love."

She pursed her lips and nodded, eyes shining. "I’m just so glad you’re here."

I pulled her into a hug. "I know. And I’m not going anywhere."

She held on to me for a moment before breaking away, sniffing once as she turned for a chair. "I can’t believe Ben came just to be here for Wade. The room already feels lighter, doesn’t it?"

"It does. Wade’s face! Did you see his face?" I beamed at the image in my mind.

Sophie mirrored my expression. "I haven’t seen him smile like that in ages."