A Thousand Letters

Coming home to find Ben had shifted something in me, given me hope, given me strength. Given me purchase against the shifting ground I found myself on. All night, I’d thought about the possibility of her. All day, I’d considered what I would say. I’d let myself hope, hope that was dashed by the sight of her by his side.

She’d moved on, and the realization left me reeling.

I was stupid to think she’d never gotten over me like I hadn’t gotten over her. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that she could have a boyfriend, that she could have been dating someone. That someone could be interested in her, and she in him. Because the way she looked at him, the way he was smiling at her — it all spoke of happiness, togetherness.

It never even occurred to my one-track mind because I’d never moved on, never imagined I could or would. Never even tried. And now that it had occurred to me, I couldn’t shake the maddening thought of her with another man.

Maybe he was better for her. He was here, after all, available. I was unavailable, and I would be leaving again. Always leaving. If she cared about him, I’d let her be. There would be no telling her how I felt, not if she was happy. I wouldn’t get in the way of her happiness.

But that didn’t mean I was happy about it.

I turned the corner and found myself on my street, my feet carrying me home on their own, and I stormed into the house, not sure what else to do. It was quiet — I found Sophie on the couch next to Dad, both napping. Sadie was nowhere to be seen, and I heard voices in the kitchen … Lou and Ben, I realized as I approached.

Lou was laughing, and she laid a hand on Ben’s arm where it rested on the island counter. He leaned toward her, smiling, and relief slipped over me at her redirected attention.

She caught sight of me as I walked into the room and pulled her hand back, cheeks flushing. "Wade," she said, and Ben looked over his shoulder, frowning when he saw me.

"You okay?"

I ran a hand through my hair. "Yeah."

He gave me a look that said he knew I was full of shit.

Lou slipped off her stool. "I should get going. Dinner’s in the fridge with heating instructions. I’ll, ah, see you tomorrow?"

I gave her a nod and pulled open the refrigerator door, reaching for a beer.

"Let me walk you out," Ben said as he followed her out, hand on her back.

I twisted the cap off and took a long drink, leaning on the counter with damp hands for support.

They chatted in the entryway for a minute before I heard the door open and close, and seconds later, Ben was getting a beer of his own. He didn’t say anything until he was seated across from me.

"What happened? Is … is this about Lou? I didn’t think … I mean, if you’re into her, I’ll back off, no questions."

I huffed and rolled my eyes. "My cousin? No. This isn’t about my cousin."

He looked relieved, pointing the neck of his beer at me. "Cousin by marriage. That was a reasonable question."

I took another heavy drink, nearly draining it before setting it on the counter. "I’m not interested in Lou. She’s all yours."

He smiled. "Thank you. I haven’t wanted to bring it up with everything going on, but …" He rubbed the back of his neck, his cheeks flushing. "I’m into her. Really into her."

I blinked, surprised.

I could tell when he started rambling just how bad it was. "I asked her early on about you — I thought you guys might have had a thing by the way she acted around you. But she said it was just a crush, that she didn’t really get it before me." He paused. "Do you believe in love at first sight?"

I nodded, feeling my lips flatten at the memory of Elliot, at the memory of hope. "I do."

Ben shook his head in wonder. "It felt like that. Like I’d been zapped by electricity. Like there was no one in the room but me and her. I didn’t think it was real, but now I’m almost certain I was wrong."

"I’m happy for you and Lou."

He sighed. "Thanks. It feels good. I only wish I didn’t have to leave so soon." There was pain and worry behind his eyes that I knew all too well.

"I have a feeling you’ll make it."

His smile was earnest. "I hope so." He leaned on the surface of the bar, his smile falling as he spoke. "So if you’re not upset about Lou …"

My jaw flexed, teeth clenching almost painfully. "I saw Elliot."

He waited. "You’ve seen her every day this week."

"I saw her with a guy."

"Ah," he said knowingly and with lament. "Boyfriend?"

"I don’t know. Seemed that way."

"Did Sophie mention she was seeing someone?"

"We don’t discuss Elliot. Ever." I killed my beer and walked over to the fridge for another.

"Well, maybe it’s nothing. Maybe he’s just a friend."

I twisted the cap and dropped it on the counter with a clink as I took a swig, wishing I could drown the part of me that cared.

"Doesn’t matter," I said, wishing it did.

Ben watched me, and I avoided his eyes, fixing my gaze across the room at nothing in particular.

"If it doesn’t matter, why are you upset?" he asked.

"Because." I paused, wishing I could leave it at that, but there was no hiding from Ben. "I thought … I thought she felt like I did. I thought she couldn’t be with anyone else." The words were quiet, my eyes still distant. "But it was just me. She found a way to move on. Why couldn’t I?"

He didn’t answer for a moment, and I’m not sure I expected one as I dug through my feelings, the sensation like cold hands through muddy earth.

"You loved her, and you still do. What you’ve been through, what we’ve been through, the war, the isolation … it changes us, makes it harder to let go. It’s rigid, our lives. And you never stopped loving her."