A Thousand Letters

I found myself watching her from a few feet away as she stretched onto her tiptoes on the ladder to reach the top shelf, sheet between her fingers. She wobbled, nearly losing her balance — I was at her side, hands circling her waist to steady her. The curve was slight, and my hands rested in it as if they belonged there, the feeling of her against my palms and fingers sending heat through my chest. Another smile, the kind she’d always saved only for me, and as I looked up at her, I imagined her touching my face, kissing me sweetly, telling me—

I let her go and stepped back, not trusting myself.

Dad stirred, and I moved to his side with Elliot by mine. He glanced around, confused. "What’s all this?"

"We have a surprise. Hang on."

I grabbed everyone, and within a few minutes, we’d brought everything in, the trees, the tent, all while he watched us with tears in his eyes, lips parted as he took it all in.

I held out my hands in display, our joy so bright, so strong, it filled the room. "You can’t get to the Adirondacks, so we brought them to you."

"A camp-in?" he said with a laugh.

I nodded. "Complete with a campfire and stars. The works."

He reached for my hand with glistening eyes. "I’m so fortunate to have you."

I squeezed his fingers and said softly. "No, Dad. We’re the lucky ones."

Elliot made quick work of lighting the fire as I sat with him, and Sophie lit the candles, placing them all around the room as Sadie turned on the track of rustling trees and crickets.

Dad looked around in wonder. "Smells like pine and smoke."

"But here’s the best part." I killed the lights and clicked on the projector, throwing stars all around the room.

He sighed and laid his head back, eyes tracking the ceiling in wonder.

Elliot was at my elbow, watching him with the same awe I felt, but I found myself watching her. She struck me in that moment, a quiet moment, a moment of reverence.

She was all I’d ever wanted, and she was here, right here. All I had to do was reach out and touch her. All I had to do was ask.

My sisters laid out sleeping bags around the fireplace, and we turned Dad’s bed, careful of the machine wires and tubes. And then we sat, telling stories, reminiscing. I watched Elliot as she roasted marshmallows, her face illuminated by the fire, the sound of her laughter filling my heart. I listened as she read Emerson’s "Song of Nature," the words floating from her lips like a spell.

It was very late, the fire burned down to embers, and the house was quiet, everyone asleep but me and her, the lot of us lying scattered through the room in sleeping bags. And I found myself in the dark, found her in the dark. I found light and truth in the darkness, hiding there where I couldn’t see, right in front of me the whole time.

And all I had to do was reach out and touch her.

Elliot

The room was quiet other than the chirping of crickets. Everyone was asleep except me, and I lay with my eyes on the ceiling, watching the stars next to Wade.

We were so close, close enough that I could reach out and touch him, but still so far away. Something had shifted though, the air between us charged with things he wanted to say — I could feel them in every word, every motion, as if the ice between us had begun to melt, and the boy I used to know was visible once again, though still distorted by the crystalline ice.

He was an enigma to me, every day providing a new challenge, a new fight. I never knew what I’d get. Angry and hot. Solemn and cold. Or warm, like today.

Today, the sun shone. Today, I saw him, saw the tenderness I’d longed for, dreamt of. Today, tonight, was magic.

My eyes were trained on the ceiling as I lost myself in my thoughts, and I was so intent that I didn’t realize he wasn’t asleep at all, not until his hand moved, reaching for mine in the dark. His fingers slipped into my palm and opened up, winding through my own, our hands clasped as if they were made to touch, as if they’d found their way home.

I turned my head to find him looking at me, his eyes catching the dim light of the room.

"I’m sorry," he whispered so softly, I wondered if I’d heard him at all.

"Me too," I whispered back, my voice too small.

His thumb shifted, stroking the back of my hand gently, and I was overcome, overwhelmed as I wondered if it were a dream. There were no words to speak aloud, the thousands of words we needed to say hanging in the air. But I didn’t want them, not in that moment, that perfect, painful moment. I existed in the space between our hands, between the beating of our hearts, between the breaths we slowly sipped, savoring the moment I’d imagined for so long.

There was no certainty in what would come next, when the words found our hiding place and made themselves known.

Minutes passed, the clock on a shelf in the room ticking as we looked into each other’s eyes and forgave and begged and hoped. And then, our twined hands weren’t enough. He released me to drag my sleeping bag closer, and when he reached for me, when he pulled me into his side, I melted into him. His arms wrapped around me, and I closed my eyes, sure now that it was a dream, a beautiful dream.

I was whole again in his arms.

He held me tight, and I thought he might feel it was a dream too, as if we could hang on to each other and make everything all right, erase the past. I’d imagined it a hundred times, remembered a hundred moments like this, but different; this moment was pure, the honesty breaking me and healing me as we lay beneath the stars, spinning silently in the center.

"I’m scared," he whispered, his breath stirring my hair where his cheek pressed, warm and alive.

"I know," I answered, because I was scared too. And he held me in the dark in the silence until our hearts beat together and our minds slowed, slipping away into the solace of sleep.