A Thousand Letters

"Ben will bring him back. He’ll apologize, I know it — he didn’t mean it."

I pursed my lips to stave off my tears, not believing that his frustration with Rick was all there was to it. The realization dawned on me that the room overlooked the street, that he could have seen outside. And Jack had kissed me.

I pushed the thought away, wondering if I would have a chance to talk to him. Wondering if he would listen to me if I did.

She pulled away, her eyes searching mine. "Elliot, I’m sorry."

"You don’t have to be sorry. You didn’t say it."

She shook her head. "No, I’m sorry because I haven’t been here for you. You’ve been suffering too, and I’ve missed everything. Something’s going on between you two, isn’t it?"

"I … I don’t even know. But please," I pleaded. "Please don’t do that. If I needed you, I’d tell you."

"No, you wouldn’t. Not right now."

I marveled at the change a few words could make, how they could take me from the top of the world to the depths of emotion with a string of syllables and punctuation.

I pulled Sophie back in for a hug. "No, I wouldn’t. You’re right. But I’m all right. I’m here for you, not for me."

"But I’m not the only one in pain. Who will help bear yours?"

My chest ached from the weight. "Don’t worry about me, Sophie. I’ll be all right." I whispered the lie, wishing it were truth.

Wade

My jaw ached, clenched so tightly spots swam in my vision as I barreled down the sidewalk, ignoring Ben, who called my name from behind me.

I hadn’t been watching for her out the living room window, not exactly, but I’d found myself at the front of the house more often than usual, my thoughts on her, my eyes searching for her beyond the windows to the city as I recited the admissions, the truth about how I felt about her, the apology for hurting her over and over.

And instead of making it better, I hurt her again. I was destined to hurt her forever.

What I’d hoped for was a homecoming. What I’d wished was to tell her everything in my heart. What I’d expected was the sweetness of forgiveness, for which I’d waited so long.

What I didn’t expect was him. I didn’t expect what I’d seen. I didn’t expect to have my wishes, my hopes, exploded with napalm, detonated by a kiss that wasn’t mine, laid on lips that were.

I couldn’t see what all happened — she was blocked by his body — but I didn’t need to. The image of her hands in his, of her flushed cheeks when he pulled away and I could see her again, it was all too much. Last night, I thought she’d made another promise to me. I thought she’d promised herself to me.

Wrong again.

"Wade," Ben called after me. I walked faster.

My intentions hadn’t been as clear as I thought. Or they had, and they didn’t mean to her what they meant to me. I should have told her the night before, when the truth was laid out in front of us. And because I didn’t, I had no idea how she felt or what she thought. I hated myself for thinking we could be more, that we could go back or forward or anywhere.

I was too damaged, too broken, and I’d only keep hurting her.

"Stop," he said, grabbing me by the arm. I spun around, ripping my arm from his grip.

"What?"

His eyes narrowed, and he squared his shoulders. "What’s the matter? What happened?"

My nostrils flared as I pulled in a breath. "Doesn’t matter."

His jaw ticked as he flexed it. "You’re not getting out of this. What happened?"

I swallowed, not wanting to admit anything, not wanting to say it out loud for fear it would make it more true. So I stood there silently for a moment, grappling with the words.

Ben shifted, folding his arms.

Another deep breath, and I said it. "Jack kissed her. I saw it."

"Jack?"

"The guy."

His eyes widened with recognition. "You need to talk to Elliot." He said the words like I was overreacting, and my anger flared.

"Why? I don’t need an explanation. I got all the explanation I need." I gestured back toward the house. "So, no. I’d like to be spared the rejection. I’ve had enough of that from her for a lifetime."

Ben scowled at me. "You don’t even know what happened. Don’t assume—"

My hackles rose, the hairs on the back of my neck standing at attention. "Don’t you get it? I can’t hear her justify Jack to me, not after everything. I don’t care. I don’t care." I yelled the lie as if volume could make it true.

He didn’t say anything, just watched me with a stern look on his face.

"You don’t understand," I said as the wildfire burned in my chest. "We’re too far gone, Ben. Sometimes things are too broken to put back together. I should just stay out of the way. At least he’s here. He can be what she needs. Sometimes you’ve got to walk away, let it go."

His eyes softened, colored with sadness. "Because that’s been so easy for you to do before? With an ocean between you and years gone by? How will you manage with her right there in front of you?"

I hung my hands on my hips, eyes on the ground like the cracks in the sidewalk held the answers. "I don’t know, Ben. But I don’t have a choice."

I wished that I did. I wished it could have been me. But I’d ruined my chances with her years ago, and I of all people knew that there was no way to go back.

Elliot

Rick called my name from the library, and I turned away from the window overlooking the street. I’d been watching for him, waiting. Always waiting. But he’d never come. He probably never would, not the way I wished for.

"I’m here," I answered, trying to put Wade back in his box as I walked down the hallway and into his room. It’s just that the lid wouldn’t stay on.