A Thousand Letters

So I’d spent the day alone writing; the kids were still in full-time daycare, and my family happily carried on without me. I’d heard almost everyone leave early in the day — Charlie gone to work, Dad and Beth gone out for who knew what. But Mary was home after working the night shift, though she’d been asleep for most of the day.

It was early afternoon before I ventured out for lunch, setting my leather-bound journal next to my bed with my stomach rumbling. Once on the main floor, I realized the house wasn’t as empty as I’d thought.

Voices wafted in from the kitchen, low and angry; an argument. I heard Mary’s voice, the sniping, hissing tone sharp and quiet, like she was trying to keep it down. And I heard a man, but not Charlie. I stopped just before I reached the threshold when I realized who it was.

"Keep your voice down," she whispered.

"I told you what would happen, Mary," Jack bit, something in his tone dark, with an edge that sent goosebumps sprinting up my arms.

"But Elliot? For fuck’s sake. It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of. You and her. As if she could ever have a real chance with you."

I couldn’t breathe from the second I heard my name, hanging in the air like an omen. And I stood paralyzed in the hallway, unable to do anything but listen.

"It’s not ridiculous. She looks a lot like you, you know. But smaller, softer. Those big, brown eyes that just want to give you everything you ask for." He sounded like a snake when he spoke. I slowly realized that’s what he was after all, and I was just a mouse he thought he’d caught.

"Don’t do that," she said, her voice hard and biting. "Don’t you do that, make it sound like you were interested in her. You only did this because of me, to get me back. To piss me off."

"It worked, didn’t it?"

She made an infuriated noise. "I fucking hate you."

"No, you don’t. You love me, and I’m through waiting." He paused, and when he spoke again, his voice was softer, cajoling her, persuading her. "Just leave Charlie. That’s all you have to do. Come with me and all of this will be over. You won’t have to deal with Elliot or the kids or anything you don’t want to. I’ll take care of you, you know that. Please, Mary. I love you." He kissed her; I could hear the soft sounds as I told myself to move.

She sighed. "I love you too. I just … I wish it were easier."

"It’s never gonna get easier, babe. And we’ve waited long enough to be together. No more sneaking around. No more secrets. No more lies. Just us."

Move. I took a breath and stepped into the doorway to find them in each other’s arms, his hand cupping her cheek, her eyes hot and locked on his. Until she saw me.

They burst apart like shrapnel.

"God, Elliot! What the hell are you doing?" she yelled as the flush rose in her cheeks.

"I could ask you the same thing," I said with more calm than I felt. My eyes met Jack’s, and he at least had the decency to look ashamed of himself.

Mary’s gaze bounced between me and Jack as panic set in, visible on her face, in her voice. "How much of that did you hear?"

"Enough."

Jack straightened up, his face tight. "Elliot, it’s not what you think."

I ignored him. My eyes were on my sister, the liar. "I can’t believe you would do this to Charlie."

"Oh, please." She tightened up her face and deflected, shooting insults at me to justify her wrongdoings. "Don’t pretend you know what it’s like. You’ve been alone your whole life — you don’t understand what it means to be married or have kids. You don’t understand what it’s like to have a demanding career or real responsibility. You sit around all day and write in your stupid notebooks and hang out with Sophie and take care of someone else’s kids because you have no life. It’s pathetic."

My eyes narrowed, and I drew myself up, feeling taller, bigger, wider than I had before, fueled by my anger, by the betrayal. "You’re right. I don’t know what it’s like. I don’t know what it’s like to be selfish and self-absorbed because I work every day not to be like you. I don’t know what it’s like to hurt everyone around me so I’ll feel better about myself because I try to put other people’s needs above my own, even yours. I don’t know what it’s like to cheat on the man I promised to spend my life with—"

"Because you have no one," she scoffed. "You are so pious, Elliot."

I glared at her, emboldened. "And you are such a bitch, Mary."

Jack’s face bent in anger at Mary. "Leave her alone, Mary."

"What?" she shrieked, gaping at him, betrayed.

I ignored her, instead leveling him with a look I felt burning from deep in my belly, undeterred by his standing up for me. "And you. How could you do this to Charlie, to your best friend? To Mary, even, who you say you love? How could you? You used me to hurt her, but I’m not a weapon or a tool to be used by you or anyone."

"I’m sorry," he said, looking not at all sorry, "but I only did what I had to do to get her back."

I shook my head. "I should be hurt that you didn’t really care about me, but I’m not — I never wanted you. I’m only sad that you used me to hurt the people I love." Wade. Charlie. I looked them both over. "You have until tonight to tell him or I will."

Mary’s face turned a furious shade of red, her eyes flashing. "You can’t do that."

"I can, and I will." The words were flat, direct. "I will not lie for you. I will not hurt the one person in this house who’s been there for me. I will not betray your children by lying for the sake of you, who cares about no one but herself."

Jack turned to Mary, taking her arm. "It’s fine. Let’s tell him tonight. Together."