All Played Out

“No. I told you. It’s mild.”

She leans over me, tilting my head so that the ceiling light shines more on my eyes. “Humor me. What are your symptoms? Blurred vision?”

“Yes.”

“Sensitive to light or sound?”

“Both.”

“Headache?”

I hesitate.

“Mateo? Do you have a headache?”

“Yes, but it’s manageable. I’ll take some aspirin and be fine.”

“Has it gotten worse since you were first hit?”

“No. I swear I’m okay.”

She pulls her bottom lip into her mouth, and it’s amazing how even with my head as foggy as it is, I can zone in precisely on that movement.

“You’ll need someone to keep an eye on you. Monitor your symptoms to make sure they don’t get any worse.”

And here comes the hard part. “I was hoping that might be you. What do you say, sweetheart? Can you play nurse for me?”

Chapter 23

Nell’s To-Do List

• Throttle Mateo. Hug him. Do something to him. I don’t know. Crap . . . I’m in deep.

It’s remarkable how even at times like this he can make a joke. I want to ask him why. Why he came here. Why he doesn’t want to tell anyone about his concussion.

Why me?

Okay, so maybe that last question is less about his concussion and more about . . . everything. We haven’t slept together since last Sunday (well, Monday morning, I guess), though the few times we’ve seen each other, he was certainly very hands-on. But I can’t help but find myself wondering why he would choose me. This, taking care of him, feels distinctly in girlfriend territory. Or am I overreacting? Didn’t I just admit the other day that we were friends above all else? Maybe this is just what friendship with him is like. Sure, he’s taught me more about my body in a few encounters than I ever could have imagined, but I can put that aside for a friendly gesture.

Oh God, who am I kidding? If this were Matty in my bed, my heart wouldn’t be trying to rearrange my rib cage.

I don’t know how to deal with these insecurities because they’re different from the fears I feel about my future or everyday worries about tests and homework and other trivial stuff. These fears are different because . . .

Because there is no correct answer. I like solving problems. I love solving problems. But not like this . . . not when there’s no guarantee I can be right.

Because Mateo Torres is loud, and I’m quiet. Because he’s reckless, and I’m cautious. Because he belongs everywhere, and I don’t.

Because I think I’m in danger of falling in love with him.

So, no . . . this is much worse than fears about classes or jobs or the future. Those things might stress me out on occasion, but when push comes to shove, I’m confident enough in myself to believe that it will all work out, that I will figure it out.

But I don’t think I’m the kind of person who can fall in love. Or at least I didn’t think I was. And even if I’m wrong about that, and I can fall in love, I feel fairly certain that I’m going to be really bad at it.

Falling in love.

I’ll be too clingy or not clingy enough. I’ll have trust issues (trusting him and being trusted by him . . . both are likely to be disastrous). I’ll say stupid things. Or I’ll say smart things that make him feel stupid. I’ll ignore him in favor of doing my work. Or I’ll ignore work for him.

So I can’t fall for Mateo Torres. There are limits to this little experiment, and that has to be one of them.

I won’t be cliché enough to fall for a guy just because he took my virginity. I am ruled by my head above all else.

As I ignore my own issues and focus on him, the pinch of pain at the back of my throat that comes from seeing him like this tells me that the danger is very real. I have to fight a tide of rising panic even though I know he’s right. His symptoms are mild, and with bed rest, he should recover just fine. But it’s just . . . I’ve never seen him this vulnerable. And I want . . .

I am ruled by my head. Nothing else.

He has this glazed look in his eyes, and even though he seems coherent enough and is making an effort to appear as normal as possible, I can tell how tired he is. My freak-out will have to wait until tomorrow. For now, I need to be practical. For his health’s sake. My brain quickly cycles through the necessary information. He needs to rest, but I’ll also need to wake him up periodically to make sure he’s still coherent, still able to be woken up. Which means he’ll be spending the night here. In room. In my bed.

Only this time, Dylan’s here. And I’ll have to tell her something.

“Okay,” I say. “Let me get you that aspirin.”

As I make my way to the door, he says, “Thank you. You’re amazing.”

“Don’t thank me yet. If I think you’re getting worse, I’m taking you to the hospital. I don’t care how ‘fine’ you are.”

His mouth twitches, an almost smile. “You think I’m fine?”

I roll my eyes, even though a part of me finds it adorable that he’s still flirting with me even after we’ve already slept together.

Ruled by your mind, Nell. Focus.

I leave to retrieve the medicine and some water. On my way to the kitchen, Dylan catches me, “Is he okay?”

“Hmm?” Crap. What do I tell her? “Oh yeah. He’s just tired from practice, I think. And . . .” Here goes nothing. “Well, I know you told me to stay away from him, but I like him. We’re . . . seeing each other.”