Beneath This Man

I flick through the rails and rails of new dresses and settle on one of my old ones. I get changed and slip my heels on before presenting myself to the mirror to put some make up on.

The bedroom door opens. ‘Where are you going?’ he asks, with a hint of apprehension in his voice. That would be the separation under his terms rule that I’m breaking.

‘I’m going to work.’

‘No you’re not.’

‘Yes, I am.’ I carry on with my make-up, ignoring his imposing body behind me. The no touching will be killing him, especially now when he wants to restrain me.

‘How’s your back?’

I flick my eyes to his. ‘Sore.’ I reply, loading my voice with warning. I take my attention back to the mirror and weep on the inside for the man stood behind me, who really doesn’t know what to do with himself. His ways of dealing with me are off limits. He’s truly stumped.

I finish up with my make-up and start putting my bag together. ‘Where’s my phone?’ I ask as he lingers behind me.

‘It’s charging in my office.’

I’m surprised he volunteered that information. ‘Thank you.’ I pick my bag up and walk to the door but jump back when Jesse lands in front of me, blocking my path.

‘Let’s talk.’ he spits the words out like they are garbage in his mouth. ‘Please, don’t go. I’ll talk.’

‘You want to talk?’

He shrugs sheepishly. ‘Well, I can’t f**k any sense into you, so I guess I’ll have to talk some into you.’ he grumbles.

‘That is the conventional way of dealing with things, Jesse.’

‘Yes, but my way is much more fun.’ He gives me that roguish grin, and I fight to keep the smile twitching the corners of my lips. I need to keep this serious. He takes my hand and moves into me. ‘I’ve never had to explain my life to anyone, Ava. It’s not something I relish the thought of talking about.’

‘I’m not marrying someone who refuses to open up. You keep holding information back and then we end up in a huge mess.’

‘I didn’t tell you things because I was scared you would run.’

‘Jesse, I’ve found out some pretty shocking stuff and I’m still here.’

‘I know.’ he sighs. ‘Ava, you know more about me than any other living soul. I’ve never been close to anyone, not like you. You don’t tend to get caught up in conversation and life stories when you’re just f**king someone.’

I wince at the reminder of his dabbling days that have only recently ended. ‘Don’t say things like that.’ I warn.

He tugs me towards the bed. ‘Sit.’ he orders, pulling me down. He takes a steadying breath. ‘The last time I saw my parents it didn’t go particularly well. My sister was a bit underhanded and set us up to meet. My father had a rant, my mother got upset and I got very drunk, so you can imagine how it ended.’

Oh? Jesse drunk? I don’t envy anyone who’s had to endure a round of abuse from a drunken Jesse. ‘So your sister obviously wants you to make amends.’ My voice is small but hopeful.

‘Amalie is a bit stubborn,’ he sighs, and I laugh on the inside. Like brother like sister! ‘She won’t accept that too much has happened, too many harsh words exchanged over the years.’ He looks up at me and I see anguish in his eyes. ‘It’s not fixable, Ava.’

‘But they’re your parents.’ I can’t imagine my life without my Mum and Dad. ‘You’re their son.’

He offers me a half smile, a smile that suggests I just don’t get it, which is fine because I absolutely don’t. Everything is fixable.

He sighs. ‘That invitation only arrived because my sister sent it behind my parent’s backs. They don’t want me there. Their address was scrubbed off and replaced with Amalie’s.’

‘But Amalie obviously wants you there. Don’t you want to see her get married?’

‘I would love to see my little sister get married, but I also don’t want her wedding ruined. If I go, it will end only one way. Trust me.’

‘What happened to make it like this?’

His shoulders drop spectacularly and he starts circling his thumbs over my hands. I can see this is painful for him which makes it all the more frustrating to me because it shows that he does care.

‘You already know that Carmichael left me The Manor when he died. Of course, when I told you that, you thought it was a hotel.’ He raises his eyebrows in a semi amused gesture. I roll my eyes. Okay, so I was blind as a bat. I want to point out that it was his fault I was walking around completely oblivious, but I don’t. I let him continue. ‘Things were already strained after they moved to Spain and I chose to stay with Carmichael. I was eighteen, living at The Manor and I understand that it was any parent’s worst nightmare.’ He laughs lightly. I can imagine too. ‘I slipped into a playboy lifestyle and fell harder when Carmichael died. If it wasn’t for John, there probably wouldn’t be a Manor. He practically ran it while I gorged on too much drink and too many women.’

‘Oh.’ I whisper. He gorged? I prefer dabbled.

‘I calmed it down, but my parents offered me an ultimatum; The Manor or them. I chose The Manor. Carmichael was my hero, I couldn’t sell up.’ He finishes his little speech with utter finality.

‘Your parents knew you were carrying on…’ I clear my dry throat. ‘Well, like you were.’ I can’t say it. It makes me feel sick.