Beneath This Man

What the hell?

It takes me a few moments, but when awareness finally hits me, it really hits me hard. I scramble over to flick the lamp on and the light slams into my eyes like gravel. I squint to gain focus and find Jesse sat up in bed rocking back and forth with his knees clenched to his chest. Holy shit, he’s drenched and his pupils are huge black saucers. He looks petrified. I throw myself over to him. Should I cuddle him?

‘Jesse?’ I speak quietly, not wanting to startle him. He doesn’t respond. He just continues with the rocking, but then he starts mumbling.

‘I need you.’ he says quietly.

‘Jesse?’ I place my hand on his arm and shake him gently. He looks so scared. ‘Jesse?’

‘I need you, I need you, I need you.’ He repeats the mantra over and over. I want to cry.

‘Jesse, please,’ I plead. ‘Stop, I’m here.’ I can’t bear to see him like this. He’s shaking uncontrollably and sweat is pouring from his brow, his frown line by far the deepest I have ever seen it. I try to position myself in his line of sight, but he doesn’t acknowledge me. He just carries on with the rocking and mumbling, staring straight through me. He’s asleep. I pull his legs down away from his body and climb onto his lap, wrapping my arms around his sodden back, holding him as tight as I can. I don’t know if he is aware, but his arms come up and grip me, and his face buries deep into my neck.

We sit like this forever. I whisper in his ear, hoping he will recognise me and snap out of his night terror. Is that what this is? I have no idea. He is definitely not awake, I know that much.

‘Ava?’ he mumbles in my neck after an age. His voice is cracked and throaty.

He’s awake. ‘Hey, I’m here.’ I pull back and cup his face with both of my hands. His eyes search mine, looking for something. I’m not sure what.

‘I’m so sorry.’

‘What are you sorry for?’ He’s worrying me even more now.

‘For everything.’ He falls back, taking me with him so I’m lying across his wet chest. My body is soaking, but I don’t care.

My head rests on his chest and I listen as his heart rate slows. ‘Jesse?’ I say nervously. He doesn’t answer. I lift my head to look at him and see he’s fast asleep, looking peaceful. What was that all about?

I lay on him for hours, my mind racing with reasons for him to be sorry. Bloody Hell, maybe I am reading too much into this. There’s plenty for him to be sorry for. Lying to me, deceiving me, drink, his unreasonableness, his possessive streak, his neurotic behaviour, trampling my meeting today, his…

I doze off, running through all of the reasons why Jesse could be sorry.

Chapter 13

‘I love you.’

I feel familiar lush lips brush over mine as I come round, and I open my eyes to Jesse’s stunning face suspended above me. ‘Wake up my beautiful girl.’

I raise my arms over my head and stretch. Oh, that feels good. I blink up at him and note he’s dressed. My sleepy brain quickly registers that with Jesse dressed already, there is no danger of being dragged around London on one of his punishing runs.

‘What time is it?’ I croak.

‘You’re fine, it’s only six thirty. I’ve got a few early supplier meetings at The Manor. I needed to see you before I go.’ He leans down and kisses me, and I get a taste of his minty breath.

Supplier meetings? What sort of supplies would that be? I snap a lid on those thoughts immediately. It’s too early and anyway, if it is six thirty, then it really does mean it’s too late for a fourteen mile trip around London, so I couldn’t care less what supplies they could be.

‘My eyes don’t have to be open for you to see me.’ I complain, as I reach around his back and pull him down. He smells yummy.

‘Come and have breakfast with me.’ He pulls me up from the bed, and I wrap my naked body around him in my usual chimp-ish fashion. ‘You’re creasing me.’ he says with zero concern, carrying me out of the bedroom and down to the kitchen.

‘Put me down then.’ I bite back. I know he won’t.

‘Never,’

I smile smugly as I absorb him in all of his fresh water loveliness. ‘I don’t need a reminder f**k. You can still come to lunch.’

‘Mouth.’ He laughs. ‘I’m sorry. I really needed to see you before I go.’

I stiffen instantly at his words. Well, one word in particular; sorry. Shit! I had forgotten about his midnight meltdown. Well, not forgotten, it just hadn’t landed in my morning brain yet.

‘What’s wrong?’ He’s sensed my sudden tenseness. He places me on the cool marble, but it doesn’t shock me like it did the other morning. I’m too busy searching my brain for the best way to approach this.

‘You woke up in the night.’ I inform his concerned face.

‘I did?’ His brow furrows, and I don’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed.

‘You don’t remember?’ I ask tentatively.

‘No.’ he says on a shrug. ‘What do you want for breakfast?’ He leaves me on the counter and goes to the fridge. ‘Eggs, bagel, fruit?’

Is that it? ‘You said you need me.’ I throw it in the air and hope he catches it.

He doesn’t. He lets it drop straight to the floor and tramples all over it. ‘And? I say that when I’m awake.’ He doesn’t even turn away from the fridge.

‘You said you were sorry.’ I place my hands under my thighs.

He turns around from the fridge. ‘I’ve said that when I’m awake too.’