Better When He's Brave

Since I was still reeling from the gifts he bestowed earlier with his mouth, I was further behind. I brushed the tips of my fingers over my abdomen, stopped to circle my belly button, loving the way he watched me the entire time. It felt nice to touch myself but it felt even better to know that when I did it, it made Titus lose his mind. He was breathing like he was running a marathon and his steady rhythm had turned slightly desperate and frantic. I paused at the apex where we were joined, let him brush against the tips of my fingers as he thrust in and out.

He groaned loudly and demanded, “Touch yourself. Let me see it.” So I did. I smiled up at him. Scooted around a little bit so I could get my fingers on my own little center of pleasure. I made sure the angle was right for him to see the way I circled the little nub. The way I tapped it. The way I brushed it in time to his motions. It felt so good, and as soon as he barked my name and collapsed on top of me, I followed him over the edge and fell with a much softer landing. It was perfect. He was perfect. We were perfect.

I massaged his spine as he pulled the pillow out from under me. He finally gave me a kiss and then locked his arm around me and rolled so that he was on the bottom and I was sprawled across the top of him. My knee hit a very obvious wet spot on the sheets and I had a moment of panic. We weren’t careful again, and this time I wasn’t sure he was going it be all in once he heard what I had to tell him. I took a deep breath and talked to his heart since that was here my head was at.

“When I came back to the Point I was planning on killing Conner. I knew you would keep me safe and I needed to stay alive long enough to get close enough to have a shot at him. He’s a monster, Titus, and he’s smart. He’ll never see the inside of a jail, and we both know that. I was hoping you would agree to my plan so that I could be the one to pull the trigger. From the beginning I knew it was jail or a shallow grave, and I figured jail for righting such a major wrong all those years ago was a fair trade-off. I knew you would never approve, so I didn’t tell you that I had Booker get me a gun or what I was planning. I didn’t want you attached to yet another crime. I lied. I lied from the very start, and I’m so sorry, but after you told me you were all in with me in the car, I knew I couldn’t risk it, or you. I knew I needed to be better, do better, so I was fully intending to let Booker take the gun back and let Nassir or even Race do the dirty work. Please try and see why I made the choices that I made.”

Really I wanted to plead with him to love me the way I loved him. I wanted to beg him to forgive me for being desperate and rash. I wanted him to see me for who I always would be, a woman that had a good heart but often made bad choices. I was human. Flawed and broken, but so was this place I called home and so was he. I wanted him to see that we fit right in as a couple on these damaged streets.

He stiffened under me and I bit my already trashed lip because I thought he was going to push me away. He didn’t. His fingers raked through my messy hair and massaged the back of my neck.

“I figured all that out when you lied to the cop about the gun. And just so you know: Booker is the one who let Zero into the building.”

It was my turn to stiffen. “What?”

He sighed and moved his head so he could kiss my forehead. “Booker let the guy in and disabled the security cameras so no one could see him coming up to the loft. None of it makes any sense.”

I was dumbfounded. I knew Booker was a thug and an ex-con, but I also thought he was my friend. We understood one another.

“What about the rest of it, Titus? I screwed up again.” I was giving him proof that I was never going to be as good as he was even if he came from a place that was as dirty and tarnished as I was.

He blew out a deep breath and curled the arm that wasn’t holding me up around the back of his head. “You can’t be the judge, jury, and executioner if we’re going to be together, Reeve. You have to understand the difference between a bad choice and a choice that has consequences that are undoable and forever. If Dovie had died, if you had succeeded in killing Conner . . . where would you be at the end of all of that? Buried under guilt and remorse just like you have been since you asked Novak to take care of your sister’s boyfriend. I need you to trust me to do my job, and you have to trust the process. I know Roark was a dirty cop, I know there are more of them in this city than there are good ones, but I’m not one of them. You have to give me the opportunity to do what needs to be done.”

I nodded slowly. “I know that.”

“Now.”

It was my turn to sigh. “We didn’t start out as a united front, Detective. I was on the outside looking in. I was trying to do what was best for everyone. And just so you know, Race thought I was trying to set you up to kill Conner for me. He never trusted my motives.”

I saw his teeth flash in a grin. “Race is smart but that doesn’t mean he knows everything. I knew from the beginning you would never expect me to compromise myself no matter how vicious and violent Roark made this fight. You told me too many times how much you admired and appreciated my dedication to doing the right thing. I kind of figured you had a plan. I just didn’t put it together until you lied about the gun.”

“I don’t want you to regret being with me, Titus.” I could hear everything my heart felt for him in my voice.

“There is no regret, Reeve, and there is no choice. Right or wrong, you are it for me. You get all the parts of me. You make me feel like I can just be me, not a cop, not a big brother, not a hero, not a savior . . . just a man. A man that has his good and bad parts. I’ll never be perfect but for you I will always be real, and you can always be just who you are with me. Even if that is a girl that thinks she can solve her problems with a bullet. I just need to keep reminding you there are always other options and that we have too much to lose if we don’t think things through. We’re both a freaking mess, so who else would want to bother with us anyway.” He kissed me to show me he was teasing with the last part. “I’ve wanted you from the beginning. I should’ve known from the start this is where we would end up.”