Can You Keep a Secret?(93)
Author: Sophie Kinsella

‘Practically nothing, then.’ I close my eyes briefly, trying to sort my thoughts. ‘Jack, relationships are all about trust and equality. If one person shares, then the other person should share, too. I mean, you didn’t even tell me you were going to be on television.’

‘It was just a dumb interview, for Chrissakes!’ A girl with six shopping bags knocks yet more heather out of Jack’s basket, and in frustration he dumps it on a passing motorcycle courier’s pannier. ‘Emma, you’re over-reacting.’

‘I told you all my secrets,’ I say stubbornly. ‘You didn’t tell me any of yours.’

Jack gives a sigh.

‘With all due respect, Emma, I think it’s a little different—’

‘What?’ I stare at him in shock. ‘Why … why should it be any different?’

‘You have to understand. I have things in my life which are very sensitive … complicated … very important …’

‘And I don’t?’ My voice bursts from me like a rocket. ‘You think my secrets are less important than yours? You think I’m less hurt by you blurting them out on television?’ I’m shaking all over, with fury, with disappointment. ‘I suppose that’s because you’re so huge and important and I’m — what am I, again, Jack?’ I can feel my eyes glittering with tears. ‘A nothing-special girl? An "ordinary, nothing-special girl"?’

Jack winces, and I can see I’ve hit home. He closes his eyes and for a long time I think he isn’t going to speak.

‘I didn’t mean to use those words,’ he says, rubbing his forehead. ‘The minute I said them, I wished I could take them back. I was … I was trying to evoke something very different from that … a kind of image He looks up. ‘Emma, you have to know I didn’t mean—’

‘I’m going to ask you again!’ I say, my heart pounding. ‘What were you doing in Scotland?’

There’s silence. As I meet Jack’s eyes, I know he’s not going to tell me. He knows this is important to me and he’s still not going to tell me.

‘Fine,’ I say, my voice lurching slightly. ‘That’s fine. I’m obviously not as important as you. I’m just some amusing girl who provides you with entertainment on flights and gives you ideas for your business.’

‘Emma—’

‘The thing is, Jack, that’s not a real relationship. A real relationship is two-way. A real relationship is based on equality. And trust.’ I swallow the lump in my throat. ‘So why don’t you just go and be with someone on your level, who you can share your precious secrets with? Because you obviously can’t share them with me.’

I turn sharply before he can say anything else, and stalk away, two tears rolling down my cheeks, trampling the lucky heather underfoot.

I don’t get home until much later that evening. But I’m still smarting from our argument. I have a throbbing headache, and I feel on the verge of tears.

I open the door of the flat to find Lissy and Jemima in a full-scale argument about animal rights.

‘The mink like being made into coats—’ Jemima is saying as I push open the door to the living room. She breaks off and looks up. ‘Emma! Are you all right?’

‘No.’ I sink down onto the sofa and wrap myself up in the chenille throw which Lissy’s mum gave her for Christmas. ‘I had a huge row with Jack.’

‘With Jack?’

‘You saw him?’

‘He came to … well, to apologize, I guess.’

Lissy and Jemima exchange looks.

‘What happened?’ says Lissy, hugging her knees. ‘What did he say?’

I’m silent for a few seconds, trying to remember exactly what he did say. It’s all a bit jumbled up in my head now.

‘He said … he didn’t ever mean to use me,’ I say at last. ‘He said I got in his thoughts. He said he’d fire everyone in the company who teased me.’ I can’t help giving a half-giggle.

‘Really?’ says Lissy. ‘Gosh. That’s quite romant—’ She coughs, and pulls an apologetic face. ‘Sorry.’

‘He said he was really sorry for what happened, and he didn’t mean to say all that stuff on the TV, and that our romance was … Anyway. He said a lot of things. But then he said …’ My heart beats with fresh indignation. ‘He said his secrets were more important than mine.’

There’s a huge gasp of outrage.

‘No!’ says Lissy.

‘Bastard!’ says Jemima. ‘What secrets?’

‘I asked him about Scotland. And rushing off from the date.’ I meet Lissy’s eyes. ‘And all those things he would never talk to me about.’

‘And what did he say?’ says Lissy.

‘He wouldn’t tell me.’ I feel another sting of humiliation. ‘He said it was too "sensitive and complicated".’

‘Sensitive and complicated?’ Jemima is staring at me, galvanized. ‘Jack has a sensitive and complicated secret? You never mentioned this before! Emma, this is totally perfect. You find out what it is — and then you expose it!’

I stare at her, my heart beating hard. God, she’s right. I could do it. I could get back at Jack. I could make him hurt like I’ve been hurt.