Ceaseless
Chapter Eleven
Dank
The rest of the band had crashed in the main lounge area back stage. I liked them enough but generally before a gig they had groupies with them and they got on my nerves. I could smell the sadness and disease in many of them. What human men saw as sexy often repelled me because all I could see was the soul. Their souls were weak and damaged.
I sank down on the leather sofa and propped my feet up. Pagan would be here any minute, along with Gee and Miranda who would want to meet the rest of the band. Miranda was going to be disappointed. They were just like any other rock band. They had their addictions. They thought all females worshiped them. They were everything Pagan feared I was.
A knock at the door surprised me. I figured Gee would walk right in.
“Come in,” I called out and stood up to go greet Pagan. I wanted to show her around. It wasn’t Pagan. It was a groupie I’d seen with Loose earlier. Groupies weren’t welcome in here. “You got the wrong room,” I replied sitting back down to wait on Pagan’s arrival.
“Oops,” she giggled and stepped into the room closing the door behind her. Did the girl not speak English? She also had herpes. I could smell it on her body.
“Go. Out. Now.” I ordered pointing to the door. I’d be seeing her soul again much sooner than I should if she kept the drug use up.
“Demanding. I like it when a man is the boss,” she slurred walking over toward me. Her soul was tarnished. The outward appearance had all the things humans looked for but the inside was ugly.
“This is your last warning. I’ll call security and you’ll be thrown out.” This happened once or twice a gig. It had become a game to the groupies to see if one of them was talented enough to get me to let them stay. They didn’t understand that what I saw wasn’t appealing.
“You’re a grumpy pants. I was warned before I came in here. I bet I can make you a happy pants,” she was almost to me when I moved out of her way and she stumbled forward and landed on the couch. Pulling my phone from my pocket I dialed the backstage security number.
“I got one in my room that refuses to leave. I want her out of the building.”
“On it Mr. Walker,” was the quick reply.
“Oh poo, you didn’t even let me show you how very talented I am,” She whined from her sprawled out position on the couch.
The door swung open and in walked Gee followed by Pagan and Miranda. At least I was on the other side of the room from the half-dressed girl laying out on the couch like she was waiting on me.
“Do I need to call security?” Gee asked as she looked over at the girl whose damaged soul was also the only thing Gee saw.
“Already did. I’m waiting on him to come pick her up.” I replied stepping around her to reach out and take Pagan’s hand.
Before her memory loss Pagan had seen this before. During the time my fans knew I had a girlfriend it had gotten worse. We made a game out of it. Pagan would guess how many girls we’d have break into my room before the show. Now, she just looked concerned.
“I’ve been waiting for you,” I assured her as she took in the girl whose shirt was missing and her very large fake boobs were spilling out of the bra she was wearing. It did look incriminating. “She’ll be gone in a second. Security is coming to get her, she came in uninvited.”
Pagan frowned and turned her gaze to me, “Where is her shirt?” she asked slowly as if waiting on me to admit I had something to do with her lack of proper clothing.
“Probably in the other room where the band is. She came in here like that. My refusal to hang out with the band and groupies often sends the braver ones in here to see if they can change my mind. They can’t. I don’t do drugs or STDs.”
A small smile tugged on Pagan’s lips as the door opened and one of the guys on the clubs security team walked in and hauled the girl up from her spot on the couch. “I want her gone from the club while I’m here.” I reminded him.
He nodded, “Yes sir.”
“Why do they get to stay? They came in uninvited too,” she whined and slapped at the guys back. “Leave me alone. I have bigger tits than they do and I’ll suck,” the door slammed behind them cutting off whatever else she was about to say. Thank Deity.
Once the door closed, I took a deep breath.
“Wow, that was interesting.” Pagan teased.
I grinned at her, then shifted my attention to Gee. “Why don’t you take Miranda to meet the rest of the band.” It wasn’t a suggestion; I knew Gee and everyone else in the room knew that too.
“YAY!” Miranda clapped her hands. “I brought my sharpie---will they autograph my shirt?”
She was wearing a white shirt that the band had sold at a beach concert last year. She had taken Pagan to that concert although Pagan hadn’t known who or what I was at the time. “They’ll sign anything you ask them too, but remember they are a raunchy crowd. You’ll wind up with a lot of names on your chest.”
Miranda beamed at my warning. She was definitely in a better mood. Pagan had told me about what happened with the other girl. I wished I could tell her that it would be okay. That the soul she’d loved in Wyatt was the same soul that was living inside Nathan. But I couldn’t. She’d have to figure this out on her on.
“I got this. She’ll be fine,” Gee replied and led Miranda back out of the door leaving me alone with Pagan.
“Why do I feel like you just sent them away on purpose?” Pagan asked as she looked up at me through her eyelashes.
“Because you’re a smart girl. I have a thing for females with brains,” I replied.
“Ooooh, that explains why you weren’t attracted to the topless model perfect body who was more than willing to do whatever you wanted with her.” I cringed mentally thinking of the girl who had been in here. I didn’t even want to take Pagan over to the couch and have her sit where the girl had been. It felt tainted now.
“All I wanted to do with her was get her the hell away from me. Nothing about that train wreck was attractive.”
Pagan liked my answer. I could see it in her eyes. I was proving to her that I wasn’t the depraved sex-crazed man-whore she assumed I was just because I was a singer in a band. She took a step toward me and I didn’t reach out and touch her. I wanted to see exactly what she was planning to do. If she started to move I may grab her and hold on but right now I wanted her to feel like she was in control.
“That is very sexy, Dank Walker. Just so you know. Most guys wouldn’t have cared about anything other than her looks.” The awe in her voice made my chest expand.
“I’m glad you realize I’m a little deeper than you first assumed,” I replied.
Pagan placed a hand on my chest and ran it up until she was touching the necklace that she’d bought me before my last concert, before her memory was taken from her. She’d said lead singers needed some jewelry. She’d chosen a Celtic knot on a black string. She said the knot was endless and so were we. I hadn’t taken it off since. I kept it tucked inside my shirt unless I was going onstage. I didn’t like people to touch it. Pagan had given it to me. It was sacred. She held the knot in her hand and I felt an odd sense of power at having her hands on it again.
“It’s a Celtic knot. Why did you choose this?” She asked looking up at me with intrigue in her eyes.
“Someone gave it to me,” I explained waiting to see if any of this clicked with her. She ran her thumb over the cool metal.
“The knot is never ending,” she said quietly as if she was repeating a memory to herself.
I didn’t respond. I didn’t want to interrupt any small memory that may be trying to break through. She dropped her hand from my chest and turned and walked away from me. That hadn’t been what I was expecting.
“What’s wrong?” I asked almost afraid to speak.
She shrugged and I heard a small sniffle. Dammit she was crying. Why was she crying? I took two long strides until I was standing behind her and I pulled her back against my chest. “Why are crying?” I asked gently.
She took a deep breath and shook her head, “I don’t know.” She reached up and wiped away the tears on her cheeks. “I just suddenly wanted to cry. It was weird. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
Hope. I had hope. The Celtic knot was triggering something inside her.
Pagan
Dank was going to think I was an idiot. The lump that had formed in my throat the moment I held the necklace in my hands had been odd. I had to ask about it and he talked about it with such reverence in his voice I couldn’t fight back the sob. My eyes had instantly filled with tears. How crazy was that?
Surprisingly enough he wasn’t calling security to haul me out of here. He was holding me. Was this guy even real? Most guys would have written me off as a lunatic. His arms were tightly wrapped around me. I rested my head back on his chest and enjoyed it. Something was comforting about letting him hold me. I felt safe.
“We go onstage soon. Will you come watch me from the side of the stage? I’d like to be able to look over and see you safely away from the crowd out there. This is one of the wilder clubs we play.”
His protective streak should annoy me. I just met the guy… but it didn’t. I liked it. Had Jay ever been protective? Had anyone ever been protective of me other than my mother?
“Okay. What about Miranda and Gee?” I asked still standing with my back to his chest and his arms firmly around me.
“They can stay too if they like. They’re welcome to walk around or stand with you. Gee knows the out of bounds places.”
That was something I wanted answered. Who was Gee to him? “How do you know Gee? I thought the first time I saw you that you two might be a couple but I’ve figured out that isn’t the case.”
Dank turned me around to face him. “Gee is one of the oldest friends I have.”
That was a weird way of saying it. Did he mean they’d been friends a long time? Like since they were kids? I opened my mouth to ask when the door opened and in came guys that looked like I expected guys in a rock band to look like.
“Fuck man, I was pissed when they told me you threw the blond hottie out, but day-um, Bud, no wonder, if she was busting up this shit.” A guy with long blond dreadlocks pulled back in a ponytail and dark brown eyes rimmed with red as if he’d had very little sleep or maybe smoked a few too many joints, openly appraised me.
“Loose, this is Pagan. She’s with me. Only me.” Dank replied, keeping his hands locked on my waist. “No one goes near her. No one touches her.”
A guy with short spikey unnaturally red hair shoved Loose. “You’re gonna get your ass beat. Back up and shut up. That dude is scary as shit.”
Dank pointed toward the guy who just spoke, “That’s Les. He has the most normal name out of the group. He’s also the other voice.”
“Hello,” I replied not sure what else I was supposed to say.
“She’s all proper and shit. That’s sexy,” Loose replied, winking at me.
A guy with a shaved head and at least fifteen piercings per ear walked up and grabbed Loose by the shoulders, “Get your ass on stage before we are minus one drummer.”
“That is Rubber and please don’t ask,” Dank said as the bald guy nodded and shoved Loose out the door.
“Show time, Dank; let’s go blow this place up.” Les called out as he followed the other two.
“Were they what you expected?” Dank asked looking at me with a worried frown.
“Yes. Exactly what I expected,” I assured him and headed for the door.
“Wait, I forgot to mention something,” he said.
I glanced back at him, “What is that?”
He closed the distance I’d put between us. “I need a good luck kiss.”
Oh my, yes. I could do that. I placed both my hands on his shoulders and leaned up to kiss him swiftly on the mouth. He had other ideas. He pulled my bottom lip into his mouth and sucked gently before slipping his tongue inside to tangle with mine. It was over too soon. He stepped back and took a deep breath.
“Okay. I gotta get out there before I decide they can do this without me and lock that door.”
The giddy feeling over the sexual power that came with his words was surprising. I really liked that he was so attracted to me. But then again what female wouldn’t?
Dank reached down and took my hand as we walked toward the stage entrance. “With a wink, he let go of my hand and stepped out on stage. The smoke consumed him and I had a moment of panic as the memory of being trapped in smoke and having someone rescue me flashed in my memory—but that had never happened.
The drums began beating a foreign tribal sound, and screaming fans quieted down. I watched as Dank walked out from the smoke and into the red spotlight. Something that looked like panties and a couple of bras were slung up onto the stage. That would take some getting use to. Les stepped out into the light next, and Rubber came in last.
The tribal beat grew louder as Loose played the hypnotic sound. The sound of an electric guitar entered the mix and then Dank’s voice joined in.
Danger, Danger running cold
Knowing but fearing just the same
Death comes and yet you don’t let go
Standing while it’s steel bands hold
Don’t walk. Don’t walk where light can not shine
You know the warning has been told
It comes for what is mine and I know it will be so.
Let go, it’s all there is that’s left. Let go your sin has no wrath.
Danger was Hell’s last request.
Let go it’s all there is that’s left. Let go your sin has no wrath.
Forgiveness wasn’t given yet. Not yet. Not yet.
No regrets.
“That is their new one. I love it,” Miranda whispered as she came up beside me.
“It’s some morbid shit is what it is,” Gee said with an annoyed tone.
I watched Dank as he sang the words and wondered what song of his I’d heard before. His voice was familiar. I’d heard him sing something. His stuff wasn’t mainstream so I knew it hadn’t been on the radio.
He shifted his eyes to me and a grin tugged at the corners of his mouth before he turned back to the crowd and started the next song. Les talked to their fans. Dank might be the voice but he wasn’t the personality. He didn’t perform for the crowd. Les was doing a good job of that. The girls chanted Dank’s name just the same.
“He plays that mystery card well,” Miranda said approvingly. “They love him because they feel he is hiding some big secret and they want to know it.”
Gee snorted and we both turned to look at her. If Dank had a secret she’d be the one to know it. “No one wants inside his head. Trust me.”
I felt the need to defend him. Shaking that off I looked back out at him. I’d known him one week. She’d known him most of his life. I knew nothing really. “Stop frowning Peggy Ann. I was only teasing. Dank Walker has his secrets but nothing you would run from. Trust me when I tell you that.”
That was better. She wasn’t being so negative about him now. I liked Dank. He was nothing like I’d first assumed. I started to say something to Miranda when the sounds of Dank’s guitar playing became the only sound out there. The rest of the band had stepped back leaving him in center stage. Something in me ached. Was it the lonely sad sound of the music or seeing Dank standing there in the darkness alone? I wasn’t sure what it was exactly but it made my chest hurt. Then he began singing. Each word tugged at me. Something about what he was singing. The melody wrapped around me. I wanted to go to him and hold him. I braced myself against the wall as the words “Yet You Stay” caused my heart to race. What was wrong with me? My head pounded violently and the words “Yet You Stay” drummed over and over again as my breathing became difficult and my vision blurred. I heard Gee asking me if I was okay. I heard Miranda’s frantic voice saying I was having a panic attack. I couldn’t focus on any of them. The words were drowning me. Suffocating me. I needed air.
“Move,” Dank’s voice broke into my fog and I managed to take a much-needed deep breath. Coughing as the air entered my lungs. “I’ve got you, Pagan. It’s okay. I’m sorry,” he murmured other things that I didn’t understand but they soothed me. My heart slowed down and the pounding subsided to a small ache. Dank was holding me and rocking me in his arms. His hand was caressing my head with gentle strokes. I was suddenly tired.
“She okay?” Gee asked from somewhere nearby.
“Yeah, she’s breathing easy now,” Dank replied.
“What the heck happened? She was fine one minute and the next minute she was in a full-blown panic attack. I know what it was because I had several after my boyfriend died. I could see it all over her face. She couldn’t breathe; she couldn’t see.” Miranda sounded upset.
I lifted my head from Dank’s chest and looked up to see that Dank was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and I was in his lap. Miranda knelt beside us wringing her hands frantically.
“I’m good. I don’t know what happened. Something just snapped,” I tried to explain. I decided against telling them that the words to his song had sent me spiraling out of control.
“It’s the move. You’ve not gotten enough sleep. You’re adjusting. I’m forcing you to go out places at night and then unloading all my screwed up emotions on you. I’ve cried on your shoulder and you’ve been the one to make me feel better. It’s my fault. I need to stop being a big baby.” I held up my hand to stop Miranda from her sudden need to take all the blame for this.
“I’m fine. Nothing is your fault. I don’t know what triggered it, but I’m good now.” I felt like an idiot curled up like a baby in Dank’s arms. It was a miracle this guy hadn’t sent me packing yet. I started to stand up and let him get back to the band. It sounded as if the other members were carrying on without him. He jumped up quickly and hovered beside me as if I was going to crumple to the ground.
“You’re supposed to be out there,” I told him nodding toward the stage.
“I can quit for the night. Do you want me to drive you back to your dorm?” His worried tone made this even more humiliating. I was the crazy, mentally unstable friend.
“No. Really. I am fine but I do think I’m gonna go if Miranda is okay with that,” I glanced over at her and she nodded in agreement.
“I can take you. She can stay and listen to the rest of the set,” he said studying my face as if he was waiting on some answer to appear.
“I got this, Dank. Go do your thing. You have a long night ahead of you,” Gee piped up and Dank shot her a warning glare. It was something I was used to seeing him direct her way. He did it a lot.
“I’m fine. You go sing,” I assured him again and pushed him gently toward the stage entrance.
Dank’s frown deepened and he started to shake his head no. Gee stepped forward and grabbed him by the arm and whispered something angrily in his ear. His defeated sigh bothered me, but when she was done he nodded and looked back at me. “Okay. If you’re sure you’ll be okay. Just say the word and I’ll take you back to the dorm.”
“Positive,” I replied.
Dank nodded and turned around and jogged back onto the stage. The crowd in the club erupted in cheers and chanted his name.
“Alright, Peggy Ann, let’s get you out of here before he sings again. Apparently it’s your kryptonite,”