Chaos series by Kristen Ashley

Her question, voiced gently, but still a sneak attack, made my gaze fly back to her.

I’d never told them, not her or Justine. Only Dottie.

And I’d still not told them.

It was now time to tell them but both my bestest besties weren’t there and, after all these years, giving that only to Kellie wouldn’t be fair.

“I think that I should share that with you when Jus is around, babe,” I replied in the same tone she’d given me.

“You can’t have kids,” she declared.

I felt my lips part.

She shook her head, her face softening in a way that made my heart fill with such love, it became so heavy it hurt, and she leaned toward me at my desk.

“Me and Jus, we guessed a long time ago. Figured it out when you were all about trying to surprise him with getting knocked up and goin’ at each other like bunnies. Then, poof,” the word was a soft explosion, “he’s gone.”

I watched her eyes get bright and fought the same happening with me as she continued speaking.

“Then the way you were when Dot had Katy, then Freddie, all happy at the same time so fucking sad. Same when Jus and Ronnie had Raff. Killed watching that, babe.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my voice husky.

She shook her head again. “Nothing to be sorry for. A girl’s no girl at all for her sisters if she doesn’t get that sometimes a sister has to share the hurt, sometimes hold it close. That happens, a girl’s gotta stand by her sister the way she needs her, not the way that girl needs to do it.”

God, I loved Kellie so… fucking… much.

“Thank you for doing that for me,” I said.

“Not a hardship. You give back, Mill. The sisterhood works that way.”

That was true, and I was getting choked up, so the only thing I could do was nod.

I pulled it together before I shared, “I messed up. He understood when it all came out but I lost—”

She leaned back and her tone was now firm when she ordered, “Stop it.”

It was me shaking my head when I told her, “It keeps coming to me. I’m happy he’s back. We’re working. We slid right in to what we had before and it’s good. It’s good like it was, which means it’s great. But it’s actually better because we’re older and we know more about life and what’s important. But there are things that hit me. Like he’s a partner now, Kell. Not in the way he was before where he’d make me coffee when I had to study or tell me how beautiful I was any time he looked at me. He’s a partner. Like he takes out the trash. And I didn’t teach him that. Deb did.”

“See you’ll be having some things fuckin’ with your head when you sit down to lunch with her too,” she muttered.

“I envy her, no doubt about it,” I confessed. “She had him for thirteen years. They weren’t a love match and that never grew between them. She still had him. And she gave him—”

“Stop that too,” Kellie cut me off.

“Kell, you have to know that cuts deep,” I told her.

“Of course it does,” she replied.

“He has his two girls. He dotes on them. I cannot express how happy I am that he has them but that doesn’t mean I don’t think. Even though he isn’t holding any anger about what I did, he still told me that what I did meant he couldn’t be around to help us build a new dream. He’s a biker and there was a good deal of shady going on in the Club back then but maybe we could have adopted. Maybe—”

“Girl, stop it.”

I shut my mouth.

She went on.

“Sister, you came this far. You went through hell. You gave it all up and then you got it back. Your story is impossible. Shit like that doesn’t happen. Seeing your guy at Chipotle and ending up with him back in your life, just as into you as he ever was, committed to building a future. Now there are so many ways to fuck that up, it boggles the mind.”

She leaned into me again and, as was sometimes her way, got bossy.

“Beat that back, Mill. You get stuck in your head about all that you lost. All that’s passed that you can never get back. All you couldn’t give to him. All he couldn’t give to you. Mistakes that may or may not be just that. You get stuck in that, you’re gonna lose hold of the one thing in your life you ever truly wanted, Millie. And you can’t do that.”

She held my gaze, reached out, put her hand on my desk, and gave me the rest.

“I know you wanted kids. I know you wanted a family. What you gotta get is that maybe you didn’t. Maybe you wanted that because you wanted it all from Logan and with Logan and you wanted to give it all to Logan. Because, babe, seriously, you have family. Lots of it. You have love around you. Lots of it. From the moment I met you, anything you wanted, you got because you worked at getting it. But the only thing I ever saw you really, really want, the only time you were really, really happy, was when you had him. Now you have him. Do not get mired in what could have been. Rejoice in what is now.”

She was soooooo right.

“For a crazy bitch, you’re also super smart,” I blurted in order not to get emotional and burst into tears.

“Van Gogh was crazy. The guy was also a master,” she returned, taking her hand from my desk and sitting back in her seat, grinning.

“I think I read somewhere he might have had a neurological condition,” I told her.

“Yeah. His neurological condition being that he was crazy and crazy talented,” she replied.

“Are you taking up painting?” I asked.