Chaos series by Kristen Ashley
“It’s cold, baby. Come inside,” Hop urged, but I didn’t move.
“That’s why my mom is an alcoholic. It’s an addiction, a weakness; it isn’t all his fault but I know that started it. Looking back, I think she knew he was stepping out on her even before he moved his mistress to our town. If she didn’t spot them together sometime in all these years, it would be a miracle. But people talk. She’d hear the whispers. She’d catch the looks. Her friends would find their times to tell her. I know. I heard the whispers, I caught the looks but I was too young to drown in a bottle the pain I felt living in a house where love was a lie.”
“Lanie, honey, please, come inside.”
“That’s why I picked him.”
Hop closed his eyes, opened them and I saw disquiet in them when he murmured, “Baby—”
“Don’t get me wrong,” I interrupted him. “I loved Elliott, I really did. I didn’t put myself in front of bullets just for a guy I felt safe with, knowing he’d never cheat on me. But, having thought on it for years, as much of a bitch as this might make me sound, I gave him a shot because he wasn’t in my league. I gave him a shot because I knew he’d worship the ground I walked on and never treat me like dirt. I’d had guys treat me like garbage for a long time, my father being the first of them, so it wasn’t lost on me that having a man that devoted to me was a good thing. So I hooked my star to his. At first, he made it worth it, and not because he treated me like gold but just because he was a good man who loved me. You know how it was in the end.”
“You don’t come inside, Lanie, I’ll carry you inside.”
“You touch me, Hop, you’ll never see me again.”
His body went visibly solid even as he flinched.
“You’re right,” I continued. “I heard Tyra talking about you and I did what I always do. I flew off the handle. I had no idea about Cody. I knew your breakup with Mitzi was bad but that kind of bad never entered my mind. But you know I’m like that. You know I blow things out of proportion. What you didn’t know was, even if I was wrong, thinking for even a second you’d cheat on your woman would hit me somewhere deep, somewhere that’s been wounded and bloody since I was eleven. You got angry with me for not giving you a shot at explaining. But you didn’t give me that shot either, Hop.”
“You’ve done it, lady, now come inside so we can finish talking this shit out where it’s warm.”
“That isn’t going to happen,” I declared and his head jerked.
“What?”
“I am who I am and I can’t be something else for you. For over a week, I’ve called, texted and sat in the Compound while your brothers knew I was waiting for you, humiliating myself by sitting there, hoping I’d get the chance to make things right with you. They did their best to be nice, it’s their way. But you didn’t give me that shot, they all knew it and I knew it too. You didn’t return a call. You didn’t send back a text. You walked away from me, twice, and just now you saw me and walked into your house without looking at me. You don’t need my drama in your life, Hop? Well, I don’t need a man who can so easily cut me out of his.”
“You didn’t know about Cody, babe, I didn’t know about your dad.”
“You didn’t ask.”
“I’ll remind you, you didn’t either.”
“Oh, you don’t have to remind me, Hopper. I remember. God, I remember,” I told him, the words sounding choked in the end so I swallowed as Hop shifted toward me but I took a step away so he stopped.
“This doesn’t work,” I declared.
“Yes, it does,” he contradicted.
“No,” I shook my head. “It doesn’t. We fight all the time.”
“We also f**k all the time.”
He had a point there, just not a good enough one.
“We don’t work,” I stated.
“Baby, the good we got, how can you say that?” he asked.
“I have a week and a half of knowing it, Hop,” I answered. “You cut me out.”
“You f**ked up then I f**ked up, babe. We’re gettin’ to know each other. That’ll happen and, just a head’s up, even when we got time and experience in, it’ll still happen.”
“You cut me out.”
“I f**ked up.”
I leaned in and hissed, “You cut me out,” and he blinked at the sudden harshness of my tone. “Do you have any clue, any f**king clue how much pain I’ve been in? A week and a half, knowing I hurt you like that, knowing I forced you to relive that, knowing I did wrong, calling you, texting you, begging you to let me talk to you, apologizing and you not giving me anything?”
He stepped out on the stoop and I took another step away.
“Lanie, come here,” he urged.
“No.” I moved back another step.
“Goddamn it, Lanie, you’re gonna fall off the f**kin’ stoop,” he growled so I stepped down the two steps and stood on his front walk. “Jesus, lady, just come inside the f**kin’ house.”
“I wanted one night,” I reminded him.
“Lanie, baby—”
“That’s it. One night. But you pushed in, I let you in and now I remember, Hop. I remember what, for seven years, I’ve been guarding against.”
He stepped down. I stepped back.
“You have something, you have something to lose,” I went on, slowly backing up. “You don’t have anything, you have nothing to lose. I didn’t want any part of it but you made me want it then you gave me something and you took it away and reminded me how bad it hurts, how it kills to have something to lose.”
“Please, honey, f**kin’ come inside.”
“We’re done.”
“Take a deep breath, calm the drama, think a second then come the f**k inside.”
I stopped dead, he stopped dead and I pinned him with my eyes.
“This isn’t a drama, Hop. Pay attention. I’m not ranting. I’m not in a tizzy. I’ve given this a lot of thought. Thanks to you, I’ve had a good amount of time to think about it. And we’re done. I don’t need this pain. I’ve had twenty-eight years of living with this kind of pain, watching my mother endure it, and I’m done.”
His face went hard.
“I’m not doin’ to you what your motherfucker of a father is doin’ to your mother,” he growled.