Come to Me Softly (Closer to You #2)(69)
Author: A.L. Jackson

Or maybe it was the sharp breath I sucked in that pilfered it all.

I slammed my eyes shut, squeezing the bottle in my trembling hand so tight I was sure I’d crush it, that it’d crack. Shatter. That it’d break and I’d bleed.

Because all I wanted in that moment was the pain. To release the spark of aggression that flamed, singeing my insides, seeking a release. Something physical to prevent the memory from finding its way back into the light.

But it didn’t f**king matter if I tried to block it, it all came flooding back.

“It’s exactly the same as you left it.” Karen began to stammer, almost pleading as she spoke over strangled words. “It’s still rough and unfinished. The design is every bit as beautiful here as it is there.”

Fuck. What did she want me to say? That I was f**king happy that she had it stowed away somewhere? When I’d forgotten it’d existed?

Awareness constricted my chest, pressing in, crushing.

Because I knew somewhere inside me I hadn’t really forgotten.

Drawn, I let my eyes glide open to the girl. She slowly stood. Warily, she watched.

As if she knew the fire had been lit.

“You did this for her . . . for your mom?” Karen asked, confused, looking back to the fireplace that I’d carved out as a sanctuary for Aly in our home.

When in reality it’d been some sort of f**ked-up shrine.

Still, I denied it. “No.” I shook my head, which only spun. “I did it for Aly.”

I did it for Aly.

Karen straightened herself and brushed off the single tear that slid down her face. “Oh, well . . . I guess I misread it.” She forced a smile, sniffled once. “You do beautiful work, Jared. You always have.”

I just nodded through the unease, fighting the desire I had to rip the wood from the wall. To hear it splinter as I tore it free.

I just wanted to watch it burn.

Hatred flared. God, I was an idiot. A fool. Thinking I could outrun her.

She was f**king everywhere, taunting me, mocking every move I made.

For about three minutes, we all suffered through awkward conversation, no one immune to all my bullshit.

“We’d better get going,” Karen finally said.

Christopher clapped me on the back as he headed out, his expression pained but pointed. His thoughts obviously went straight back to the conversation we’d had on New Year’s Eve.

Karen came up to me and hugged me good-bye. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“It was just a misunderstanding,” I mumbled back, even though we both knew I was lying.

She just squeezed me tighter and murmured, “It’s yours when you’re ready for it.”

My skin was crawling by the time Dave shook my hand and followed the rest of his family outside.

Aly locked the door behind them and slowly turned around. In silence, she stared across at me. Sympathy edged her eyes, creasing with lines, her green gaze begging me to tell her what the hell was going on in my mind.

But how could I tell her? That what I’d been most proud of creating for her had really been created for my mom.

Long ago.

Before I’d trampled her spirit, stamped out her light.

“Jared . . .” Aly pleaded, taking a step forward.

Backing away, I shook my head. “I’m going to go out back, get some air.”

Aly nodded. Her expression turned pained, but she knew me well enough to know when I needed space.

With my head hung, I went into our room, grabbed a pack of cigarettes from the dresser, fumbled around through my old bag for my journal.

When I came back out, Aly was standing in front of the fireplace, staring unseeing into the flames. Awareness slipped through her, but she didn’t turn to look at me. It was like she was promising to give me time and telling me she was there for me when I was ready for her.

I escaped out back. The night was thick. Stars stretched across the inky dome that sagged low on the city. Suffocating.

Still it felt f**king cold, the crisp winter air clashing with my heated skin.

I sank to the cool ground, propped my back up against the hard, stucco wall. I banged my head against it, wishing to blot it all out, to erase all the bad.

How could I ever leave it behind when it was always there? Lurking. Threatening my sanity and the world I’d worked so hard to build for Aly. For our baby.

Goddamn it.

I gripped my hair in my hands.

I just wanted to scrape it all from my consciousness. To purge it from my mind.

To take it back.

I shook a smoke from the pack and tilted my head down as I lit it. I drew it deep into my lungs. The faintest calm seeped through my veins, and I slowly blew it toward the sky. Curls of smoke rose upward, twisting as it spiraled toward the heavens. It dissipated, faded into the nothingness.

Bitter laughter rolled from me.

Didn’t matter what I did, she’d always be there.

Pulling me back into it.

I grabbed my journal and flipped through the worn, tattered pages. Scrawled across the pages was my darkness, all that I held so f**king deep inside. I wanted to pour it all here and pray it would stay, that it’d be done, that I’d have paid.

Fuck.

All I wanted was to be able to breathe.

EIGHTEEN

January 2006

Dust billowed up in Jared’s face. He fanned it away. Sweat soaked the back of his shirt. The collar stuck like glue to the back of his neck.

It wasn’t even all that hot out, the temperature mild in the middle of January. But it felt muggy in the confines of the closed-up garage.

Jared had turned it into a makeshift shop.

He leaned in close and blew away the sawdust that coated his handiwork. Another puff of dust flew, adding to the haze hanging in the thick air.

A hand squeezed his shoulder. Jared jumped. He jerked his head around.

“Dad,” he gasped over the surprise.

He’d been so absorbed in his work he hadn’t noticed his father creep up behind him.

His dad grinned with casual amusement. “You’re getting jumpy in your old age, Jared.” His smile widened with the tease. “You’d think I just caught you sneaking out your window in the middle of the night.”

Of course on any given night, his dad probably wouldn’t have been that far from the truth.

Jared smirked and rolled his eyes. “Nah . . . just thought you were Mom there for a second.”

Laughter rolled from his father, his eyes gleaming. “And you’d better watch out for her, too. She was pestering me for answers last night. She’s dying to know what you’ve been up to out here.”

Jared smoothed his hand over the design he’d created just for her, across the delicate carvings that represented everything his mother meant to him.