Cross My Heart, Hope To Die

“You’ve got a lot of nerve, coming back here. To the canyon,” Emma said. Her pulse throbbed in her neck. A charge of fear swept over her skin like a light fingertip, sending the hair on her arms straight up. She couldn’t see the girls’ bonfire at all anymore. Down in the subdivision she heard a motorcycle accelerate and then disappear. It echoed strangely off the canyon rock.

“I know,” Becky said. She hung her head, wringing her hands in front of her body. “But I wanted to see you before I left.”

“Before you leave?” Emma’s voice was sharp. She narrowed her eyes. She wasn’t letting Becky leave until she’d paid for what she’d done.

“Emma,” I protested. I tried to clutch at her, knowing even as I did that it was hopeless.

But this time, something was different. My touch didn’t move through her. It rested lightly on the surface of her skin, as soft as a kiss. I could feel her heartbeat, so warm, so alive.

Emma was still staring at our mother, a determined look on her face. She didn’t seem to have felt anything. But I had. Even if it only happened once, I had touched my sister.

“She didn’t do it,” I said, summoning up all my strength. Emma needed to know this, to stop following Becky’s trail so that she could find my real murderer. I concentrated everything I could on making her believe me. “Emma, she didn’t do it!”

Then Emma realized something: Becky had called her Sutton. Not Emma. Either she was a very good actress, or she truly didn’t know Sutton was gone.

Relief and suspicion mingled inside of her. Maybe Becky was innocent, or maybe Emma was just lying to herself again, wanting to believe in her mother despite the evidence to the contrary. She bit her lip.

“Where are you going this time?” she asked.

Becky shrugged. “I don’t know. I just need to get out of Tucson. This place has a lot of bad memories for me. There are too many people here that I can hurt. That I do hurt,” she said, swallowing hard.

Emma tensed again. “People you hurt?”

Becky looked up at her, her long lashes still damp with tears. She took a deep breath.

“I know you probably won’t believe me, but I don’t remember much from the hospital. They had me pumped full of so many drugs I didn’t know what was going on. But I remember enough to know that I must have really scared you. I’m so sorry.” She rolled a pebble back and forth under the toe of her shoe. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t explain sooner, Sutton. I was too scared to tell you the truth, about my history, about my illness. That night we met here, it was so hard to leave you with all your questions. I almost came back to explain, but I was afraid.”

Emma turned away from Becky, pacing in a little circle, trying to clear her head. Leave you? Come back? It sounded like when Becky left, Sutton was still safe. But could she take Becky at her word? She was crazy.

But Becky looked so much more lucid now, her eyes focused, her breathing even and calm. All of the memories Emma had clung to over the years seemed to crowd in around her. Becky singing off-key along with the radio, teaching her the words to all the Beatles songs. Becky taking her to the free shows along the Vegas strip, her face reflecting the light from the Bellagio fountain. Becky stroking her hair out of her face, carrying her into the apartment after an afternoon playing outside, and tucking her into bed, Emma pretending to be asleep so she could lay against her mother’s shoulder. And here she was, right now, telling Emma she had walked away from a still-living Sutton in the canyon the night they’d met.

“Becky didn’t kill me,” I whispered urgently. “Believe her, Emma.”

And suddenly, as though she had heard me, Emma did.

But just to be certain, she asked Becky another question. “Where did you go, after that night?”

Becky sighed. “Vegas, actually. I had a feeling your sister might be there. I even got a job at the diner in the Hard Rock, so that I could stay longer and look for her. But I never found her.” She stopped, suddenly looking hopeful. “Have you made any headway in tracking her down?”

Vegas, Emma thought. If things had been different, Becky might have come for her and reunited the twins herself. Then she realized what Becky’s words meant: Becky had told Sutton about Emma. The knowledge brought a fresh crush of sadness over her. In her last few hours of life, Sutton had known she had a sister.

“Yes and no,” Emma said softly.

Becky’s hand squeezed hers in the darkness. “I loved her so much. Giving both of you up was the biggest mistake of my life. Find her, Sutton. Her life hasn’t been as easy as yours. Give her the chances you’ve gotten.”

Emma took a deep breath. “You have another daughter, too, don’t you?”

Becky’s eyes widened, her mouth dropping open for a moment. She blinked several times, then nodded. “Yes,” she said softly. “How’d you …”

“Where is she?” Emma pressed.

“California. With her father. I was declared unfit to care for her five years ago. I haven’t seen her since.”

“How old is she now?”

“Twelve,” Becky said. “I was pregnant with her when I gave up your sister.” She shook her head sadly. “I know it doesn’t make any sense. All I can tell you is I wasn’t in my right mind. I was off my meds, and it seemed like a good decision at the time.” She was quiet for a moment. “I haven’t stopped feeling guilty about it ever since.”

Emma’s heart twisted in her chest. She knew she’d been abandoned for another child, but it was even harder hearing Becky say it aloud.