Deep Redemption

I had started a war.

His strength had overpowered me and he pinned my naked body to the floor. His large body crawled over me, and I saw the flicker of challenge in his eyes. “Jezebel . . . you seem to have lost your mind.”

“Get off me,” I hissed back.

Gabriel’s eyes widened in shock. I had never spoken to him that way before. I had never spoken to him at all. “There she is,” he said smugly . . . knowingly. “I always knew the devil inside would one day show its ugly head.” He leaned down and ran the tip of his nose along my cheek. “I knew one day this battle would come to pass. The sinful demon inside your heart would come to take back control.” He stilled, then slowly drew back his head. His eyes locked on mine. “And I welcome this fight, Jezebel. I will purify you of your sin.”

“Do not touch me.” I snapped and tried to break free from his grip.

Gabriel took both of my hands in one of his and trailed the other down over my breasts and stomach, until it aggressively cupped my core. I squeezed my eyes shut as his fingers scraped along my folds. He leaned over me, his breath dusting across my face. “I will touch you, whore. I will touch you over and over until you know your place in this world. You are forbidden to refuse anything I ask of you. And it is my duty to ensure you are punished according to our scriptures.”

He removed his hand from between my legs, and a second later he slammed himself inside me. I screamed out as the agony of his unwanted intrusion swept over my body. I cried out again when the back of his hand sliced across my face. But the cries soon stopped when I grew numb. And I had not cried in all the days since.

He was going to kill me, and I would die without giving him the victory of my pain.

I stayed absolutely still as my mind brought me back to the present. Gabriel’s wandering hand began traveling up the back of my thigh. His fingers passed through the wet blood. Passed through his seed that still remained on my skin. He crawled over me and thrust himself inside. So I closed my eyes. I closed my eyes and prayed for God to take me. I no longer wanted to be here in this place. I no longer wanted this life.

I let the darkness take me.

When I next opened my eyes, I thought what I had wished for had come true. But when I managed to raise my head, I saw that I was inside a small cell. Metal bars covered the door. And I was cold. I was so, so cold. My head was full and clogged with a thick fog and I could not concentrate. I was thirsty. My lips were cracked and sore.

I could not feel my body.

“Bella,” I heard a voice cry from outside my cell.

Mae? It was my Mae? I could not concentrate . . .

I opened my mouth to reply. I tried to speak but I was unsure if my words came out. I was so tired. I just wanted to sleep. I needed to sleep. Just for a little while more. Warmth suddenly filled my hand. I forced my swollen eyes to open. The light outside almost blinded me. Then a pair of blue eyes met mine . . . Mae.

My stomach fell when I saw she was crying. “Shh,” I wanted to say. I was not sure if I did. “I love you,” I wanted to tell her, but I did not know if my voice failed me.

I saw Mae’s mouth moving, but I could not hear everything she was saying. I thought I managed to reply to the words I picked out through the loud ringing in my ears. But it was not enough. Blackness had started to seep into my vision.

“Disobeyed . . . ” I said when Mae asked me what had happened. I tried to tell her what I did. But my thoughts did not come quickly, everything was delayed and too slow. “I think . . . I was . . . drugged . . . ” She said more, but I kept forgetting what Mae was saying; what I had said in response.

“ . . . I am dying, Mae . . . I want to be with our Lord . . . ”

Mae tried to fight for me. I tried to tell her it was too late. A sickening feeling rolled in my stomach. I tightened my grip on Mae’s hand as I tasted blood in my mouth. I coughed, feeling the coppery wetness fall down my chin. I heard Mae cry out. And I heard the sweet sound of my Lilah too. But the darkness kept creeping in, chasing away my vision.

I was so tired.

I closed my eyes, holding on to the sisters I loved unconditionally as I passed . . .

I let the darkness carry me away . . . I just wanted to die . . .

But in the dark, there had been glimpses of light. Quiet, unfamiliar voices talked to me, telling I was going to be safe. They cleaned me. As I fell in and out of consciousness, I felt like I was floating.

When I fully woke again, it was in a small room. There was a little window in the far wall, and I was on a mattress—it felt strange. It was not comfortable, but it was better than the one I had slept on for years.

I tried to move, but I was too weak. Sweat trickled down my neck; an almost unbearable heat cocooned my aching body.

Then a door opened and my breath caught in my throat. A man walked through. When he saw I was awake, he stopped in his tracks. He swallowed, and I watched with confusion, and a hint of apprehension, as his dark eyes began to fill with tears.

My heart raced in my chest. “You are free,” he said softly. Three words that stunned me into stillness. “You are no longer in the main commune. You were rescued from a cell. A friend found you and was able to get you out of the commune.”

The man placed a hand on his chest. “I am Brother Stephen. I have no desire to hurt you . . . no one will ever hurt you again . . . ”

*****

“I wanted to come back. I wanted to come back and get you all.” I inhaled, trying to keep my composure. “We planned to, when I was fit, to try and get you all out too . . . but then we got word of the massacre. Of the prophet dying . . . and I was told you were all gone. I”—my breath hitched—“I could not bear the pain.”

“Bella,” Mae said, sniffing. I looked down at the table; my hand had been covered by all three of my sisters’ hands.

Seconds of heavy silence passed. “I wanted to die in that cell. After Gabriel had tortured me so much, I just wanted to die.” I ducked my head. “I had always tried to be strong, I needed to protect you all . . . but I could not. It haunted me every time the disciple guards would come for you.” I turned to Maddie. “Especially you, sister. What he would do to you.”

“It is okay,” Maddie said bravely.

I shook my head, feeling the wave of ire returning. “It is not. None of it is okay. It was why I acted out. I just could not bear it any longer.” I swallowed and whispered, “It was foolish. I was foolish. It only made things worse.”