Derailed (Clayton Falls #1)(30)
Author: Alyssa Rose Ivy

I wanted to get off the depressing conversation. “But really, it’s not a big deal.”

“No, and there are other more important things to talk about.”

“Like?” I asked warily.

“Ben. You and Ben.”

“I thought we already discussed this.”

“We haven’t even scratched the surface.”

I should have known Kelly wasn’t letting me off so easy.

***

We were finishing up our lunch at Applebee’s when Kelly brought up Ben again. I’d tactfully skated around the topic throughout lunch by keeping the conversation on Kelly, Tom, and the wedding. I legitimately had questions for her and wanted to know the details. By the end of the meal, I’d discovered they were having a morning ceremony with a lunch time reception at the church with about a hundred guests. She wanted me to do a reading, and they were going on a honeymoon to Aruba. All very important information.

“Okay, enough about me. Your turn.” She put down her fork and crossed her arms. She meant business.

“Fine. What do you want to know?”

“What’s going on with you two?”

“I don’t actually know,” I admitted.

“How is that even possible?”

I paused to take a few more bites of my chicken salad. “All right, we’re being casually exclusive.”

“Excuse me?” Kelly’s eyes bugged out. “‘Casually exclusive?’ What does that even mean?”

“We’re not seeing anyone else, but we’re still keeping it purely physical.”

She shook her head before taking a long sip from her iced tea. “You’re joking, right? Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m being totally serious. You should have seen Ben. He flipped out when he found out I went to dinner with Gavin. I had to agree to exclusive.”

“I can’t say I’m surprised that he got upset, but that still leaves the question of why you want it to be about sex. You’re crazy about each other. Why not fully commit?”

“I have nothing to offer him. He deserves more than I can give.” I used a finger to trace designs in the condensation on my glass.

Kelly reached across the table and took my hand. “You don’t really believe that, do you?”

“Do I have to answer that?”

“Oh, Mol. You need to stop doing this to yourself. I know you’re still upset about Adam, and that’s understandable, but you can’t let that stop you from falling in love again. I know you, and you don’t want to spend your life alone just because you’re too afraid.”

I looked away, trying to hide some traitorous tears.

“It’s Ben we’re talking about. You know him. Sure, you’re not perfect, but neither is he. You need to tell him the truth about Adam and let him make his own decision. And we both know what choice he’ll make. He’s never had eyes for anyone else.”

“Please stop.” All this Ben talk was only making me more confused.

“Okay, so let’s pretend for a minute I believe in this whole ‘casual exclusive’ thing. What does it entail?”

I appreciated the life preserver she threw me. She was lightening the mood.

“We’ve spent the last few nights hanging out. We have a rule that it’s just hook ups and not dates, but I’m pretty sure watching movies on the couch kind of blurs that line.”

Kelly chuckled. “Umm yeah, how is that not a date?”

“I know. Ben’s upset I won’t spend the night.”

“Why won’t you? That’s kind of a weird thing to refuse.”

“It’s just too serious.” I edited out the part about the nightmares and how terrified I was of Ben finding out that I was the cause of two deaths. I knew Ben was crazy about me, but how could he not look at me differently when he found out? I wasn’t sure I could handle seeing his feelings change.

“It’s weird to hear you talk about a relationship being too serious. I didn’t think you even knew the definition of casual.” She reached over to grab an extra napkin from the dispenser to clean up a few drops of salad dressing from the table.

“Maybe that’s why I need this.”

“No, you’re just scared,” she said matter-of-factly. “Do you want dessert?”

I loved being best friends with the queen of non sequiturs. “Only if you let me pay for it.”

“Deal.” She smiled, and I picked up the dessert menu.

Chapter Fourteen

Kelly’s words stuck with me when I went to see Ben that night. I knew she meant well, but she didn’t understand that it was more than fear and grief that kept me from letting my guard down with him. It was hard enough to look at myself in the mirror—I couldn’t bear to see that same reflection in Ben’s eyes. No matter how tough of an act I put on, I was hanging on by a thread and knew that it wouldn’t take much to push me over the edge. I’d already hurt Ben once, and I didn’t want to do it again. Of course, I realized that it was probably too late to change that. The first kiss we shared after I got back in town had likely sealed his fate.

Beyond my self-loathing and concern for Ben was the reality that I felt more whole than I had since Adam’s death. Or really, if I was being honest with myself, since my Dad’s death. As many good times as Adam and I had, in some ways I had been sleepwalking. The guilt had always been enough to keep me from really enjoying myself. I knew how ridiculous the whole exclusive casual thing sounded, but I was still scared to commit to anything more. I liked things the way they were, and I was terrified of ruining it.

We spent most of the evening talking in his room. Ben filled me in on the details of his fishing tour venture and how he planned to expand it to include scuba diving as well. It was fun to see him get so animated about work, and I listened contently, sprawled across his bed with my head in his lap.

I was getting ready to head home when Ben stopped me. “Would coming to see another one of my shows break our agreement?”

I looked at him, still naked under the covers of his bed, and a part of me just wanted to get back in next to him. “I guess not. When and where?”

“Tuesday night at the Soapbox. It’s a cool place in Wilmington.”

“Do you promise not to play that song?”

“I promise.” His expression let me know he was genuine. “I’ll never play it again if you don’t want me to.”