Derailed (Clayton Falls #1)(47)
Author: Alyssa Rose Ivy

I wondered if I still had the nerve. I stood up and walked over to the tracks, balancing on a rail. The whistle sounded again, but I still didn’t feel anything. I thought about how much had changed since the last time I’d stood there. I looked over a few feet to where the white cross with my Dad’s name stood out in the moonlight.

The vibrations started—mild at first, then increasing—but I stood my ground. I looked ahead of me, wondering how long it would take before the light of the train would come into sight. A whistle sounded loudly, and I knew it would soon come around the bend. I’d never held out this long. My friends would have been freaking out by now—begging me to stop messing around. They weren’t there this time.

The light was brighter than I’d expected, and I froze for a second, shivering as I realized how little stood between me and that train—or really how nothing did. Kind of how nothing stood between life and death. The whistle blew again, and the light was almost on me.

For a brief moment, I wondered what would happen if I didn’t move. Could all the misery finally end? Then I remembered Ben—I saw his brown eyes and his smile.

I jumped off, falling to my knees as the large freight train lumbered past. The noise was deafening as I watched car after car. I had a fleeting thought of what would happen if I jumped on. Was there really anywhere else I wanted to be? The answer was simple—no. Running away wasn’t going to dull the pain. I’d learned that already.

Once the last car disappeared into the distance, I returned to the case of empty beer bottles. I pulled one out and threw it onto the track, loving the release from smashing the glass into tiny pieces. I picked up another one and did the same thing. And then another. The next one bounced off. I bent down to retrieve it and sliced my hand. It didn’t seem like a deep cut at first, but it started oozing blood and hurt like hell. I slunk down in the grass—just wanting all the pain to end.

I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and speed dialed Ben’s number, hoping he heard it even if he was still practicing.

“Hello?”

“I need you.” I broke into sobs.

“Where are you?”

“The crossing.”

“I’m on my way. Don’t hang up.” I could hear the panic in his voice.

I heard him muffle a few words to his band mates and then a door slamming closed. “I’m on my way.”

I didn’t say anything, unable to talk through my hysterics.

“I’m coming, I’m coming.” He said it over and over. I lay down on the grass, looking up at the stars.

I heard his truck drive onto the shoulder and then he was there, pulling me into his lap. “Molly, what’s wrong? What are you doing here?”

“You came.”

“Of course I did. I’m never making that mistake again. What happened?” He took off his t-shirt and wrapped my hand in it.

I handed him my phone, hitting the email icon. I’d never closed out of the message.

Ben read it. “What a f**king bastard.”

“I know. I mean, I know he was sick or something, but to send me this? He knew what it would do to me.”

“Don’t let it do it. Don’t let it hurt you.”

“That’s easy for you to say. What do you know about living with guilt like this?”

“I may not know about guilt, but I sure as hell know about regret.”

“What do you mean?”

“I f**ked up and lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and it took five years to get you back.”

“You didn’t mess up. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I only called once.”

“Yeah, and I didn’t pick up.”

“Because you couldn’t hear it.”

“That’s not true.” He pulled me closer against him, like he was afraid I’d disappear if he didn’t hold tight. “I heard it ring. I didn’t want to pick up.”

“Why not?” I pulled away slightly so I could look up at him, noticing what might have been tears in his eyes.

“I didn’t want to listen to the nagging. You were so down on me for getting high, and I didn’t want you to ruin it for me.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know what to say. Compared to everything else that night, it didn’t shock me.

“So, if you want to blame yourself for Adam or your Dad, I can’t stop you, but what you need to realize is that we all screw up sometimes.”

“Screwing up doesn’t quite cover making people kill themselves.”

“That’s because you didn’t make anyone do anything. You need to accept that. Adam made his own decision—he even said as much. And who knows with your dad—it could have just been an accident, but that isn’t the point. You want to feel badly for fighting with your dad, or hurting Adam because you weren’t in love with him, that’s fine, but that’s where it ends.” Ben squeezed my hand.

“You should have had a chance to apologize to your dad, and Adam should have dealt. Sure, it might have been heartbreaking to realize you didn’t return his feelings anymore, but I can say from experience that isn’t a reason to end your life.”

“No, it’s not.” I thought about the moment on the track, how close the train came and how easily I could have caused the same pain I’d spent years buckling under.

“You’re going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.”

“I know. You came.”

“And I’ll always come.” He stood up, helping me up with my good hand. “We need to get you home and take care of that cut.”

“Home. I like that.”

Chapter Twenty-One

With hair and makeup done, Daniela and I zipped each other up in our light green, strapless bridesmaid dresses before going to help Kelly’s mom get her into her wedding gown. Satin and tea length, the dress fit Kelly perfectly. She glowed and looked like the princess every girl should on her wedding day. The photographer came in to take some pictures while we all laughed, reminiscing about how Kelly had been planning her wedding since she was twelve years old. Kelly had a beautiful day for a wedding. It was sunny without a cloud in the sky.

We left the room Kelly used to get dressed and headed toward the sanctuary. We waited right outside the door.

“I’m so glad you’re here with me.” Kelly stopped and turned to look at me. I could tell she really meant it. Our friendship had managed to survive all the years we’d spent apart.