Destroyed

The build-up of emotion crushed my head until I thought I’d explode. Opening my eyes, I stroked the urn, tracing the explosion of stars on the glazed porcelain.

“I’ll never forget your perfect laugh or your smiling face. I’ll never stop loving your silly jokes or your warm embrace. I’ll always be here for you even though you’re gone. Until the day we meet again, until my life is done.”

Clue came to my side, jerking me back to the present. I looked behind me. Only Ben stood sentry. The rest of the congregation had gone. How long had I been standing there, hugging the last remains of my daughter?

“Don’t be sad, mummy. I don’t like it when you’re sad.”

“It’s time to let her go, Zelly.” Clue laid a hand on the top of mine. “We can do it together.”

A low moan rose in my throat, but I allowed Clue to unlatch my arms and share the weight of the urn. I wanted to stop her. I wanted to curl up on the ground and petrify like a fossil curled around Clara’s ashes, but Clue didn’t give me a choice.

Her eyes met mine, spilling with tears. “She’ll be happier with the horses, Zel. Don’t make her stay in such a small, dark place.” She sniffed as a fresh wave of tears trickled down her beautiful face. “It’s time.”

It took everything I had not to break down and unravel. To tear the jar from her and leap onto a horse’s back and gallop far away. Run from this reality. Pretend it wasn’t true.

Placing one hand on the bottom of the jar and the other cradling the top, I waited for Clue to do the same. She leaned in and kissed my cheek before nodding.

My heart stopped beating as together we tipped the urn upside down.

A grey cloud fell like icing sugar, and my heart went from dead to thudding like crazy. A gust of wind captured the fine dust, whipping it upward in a delicate dance. I bit my lip as Clara embraced the wind and soared toward the horses. The breeze swooped between the legs of a palomino before spiralling upward in a mini tornado and scattering in all directions.

Clue sucked in a shaky breath, and we squeezed each other, both feeling awed rather than sad. Awed because for one tiny second, I swore I heard Clara’s laugh.

“You’re too precious for this world. You’ll be called back to somewhere far better than here.”

My heart squeezed with never ending love for a soul I would see again when it was my turn to join her.

“She’ll be happy here,” Clue said.

I turned my face toward the sun, letting the warmth thaw my chilled and grief-stricken heart. A horse nickered. And I found a small smidgen of peace.

For the first time since she died in my arms, I stopped being crushed by pain. I could breathe a little easier. Handle life a little better knowing that her body might’ve left but her goodness and rightness and perfect little innocence would be with me always. “I know she will.”

I didn’t know how long we stood there, but eventually the sun returned to hide behind the clouds and the chill of the breeze bit through my black dress.

Together, Clue and I turned to go back to the car.

Ben enveloped us in a hug when we reached him. His masculine smell of Old Spice hurt my heart thinking of another man. A man who hadn’t shown up to say goodbye.

How could he? I’d nursed hope that he’d show. That he would put aside his wrongness and issues and come to honour Clara’s life.

He was never normal and I fell in love with a fraud.

Ben kissed my cheek, whispering, “He’s here. Been here the entire time.”

I froze, looking into his dark eyes. My body sparked, throbbing with energy after a week of dullness. “Where?”

He conspicuously cocked his head to the small hill to the right. Sure enough, a black splodge broke the perfection of green sweeping grass.

My hands balled and I wanted nothing more than to run up the hill and punch him. I wanted him to feel the pain I did. The knife clipped in my hair could find another home lodged in his lifeless heart.

I gritted my teeth. “I don’t want to see him.”

Clue shook her head. “You need to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“You need to listen to what he has to say, Zel.”

I frowned, pissed at her. “Why are you on his side all of a sudden? If I told you what he’s done—”

“Maybe I should tell you what he’s done.” Clue grabbed my arm. “Zel, he was the one who found this piece of land. He was the one who called me and told me he’d pay for all the arrangements, including the exclusive use of the fields.”

My heart ceased to beat. Confusion swirled making me feel slightly sick. He’d meddled. He’d contributed to her funeral all without my knowledge. I couldn’t untangle how that made me feel. “What? Why?”

She sighed. “I thought it was obvious. He loves you.”

My eyes widened as a sharp shock travelled through my heart. A tug, a bolt of aliveness reminded me I couldn’t live with the ghost of my daughter. I couldn’t live in a world of tears and sorrow. I belonged with the present and it killed me all over again at the thought of walking away from Clara and moving on without her.

“He needs you, mummy. Don’t be mad.”

I shook my head. “That’s not possible.” He doesn’t know the meaning of love. How could a man who couldn’t even be touched understand the meaning of unconditional love? He loved Clara. I hated that I stabbed a hole in my own conclusions. He was capable, and beneath the issues, he was kind and sweet and eager to please.

Shit.

Fire filled my body, making me steam with rage for everything I couldn’t change.

Clue scowled, temper staining her cheeks. “Well, if you feel that strongly, you need to say goodbye. End it properly. Otherwise it will haunt you. And you owe him a thank you at least.”

Ben captured Clue, dragging her against him. “No need to get upset, little fortune cookie. I know you’re hurting, but you can’t force Zel to be with someone just because you don’t want her to be alone.”

My eyes shot to Ben’s. He gave me a small smile. I didn’t know how to react. I liked that he had my back, but I didn’t like that he saw me weak and needing someone to ‘save’ me. Did they think I’d do something stupid now Clara was gone?

I wanted to scream: I can’t do anything reckless. I can’t forfeit my life to sadness because I’m f**king pregnant.

But I couldn’t. I didn’t want to focus on that hiccup yet. My thoughts belonged to Clara. It was treason to think and make plans without her. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be so heartless and forget her so quickly.