Driven

He opens my door and escorts me out with a sad half-smile on his lips. He places his hand on my lower back as we walk up the walkway. At the front door lit by a lone porch light, I turn to him. We both say each other’s names at the same time and then smile softly at each other. The smiles never reach our eyes though. They reflect a weary sadness.

“You first,” I tell him.

He sighs and just stares at me. I want so much for him to be able to express to me the plethora of emotions I can see swimming in his eyes but I know that he’ll never get the chance to tell me. He reaches out and brushes his knuckles over my cheek with the back of his hand. I close my eyes at the singular sensation. When he stops, I open them back up, tears pooling in them, to meet his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.

And I know that apology is for so many things. For what can never be. For what should be. For hurting me. For not being the person I need him to be. For not being able to confront whatever is in his past.

“I know.” I reach up and run my fingers over his unshaven jaw and up through his wavy hair before returning back to his face. It’s almost as if I am committing his lines and his features to memory. Something I can hold on to. For despite having to work with him still, I know that this will be the last time I’ll allow myself to touch. Touching him again will be too dangerous for my weakened heart.

I step up on my tiptoes and brush my lips gently against his. Within moments, Colton has his arms around me and is lifting me up to his level. Our eyes lock on each other at this equal playing field. He leans into me to resume our kiss. I feel something different in this kiss. Something shifts in the tenderness. I realize that we are saying an unspoken goodbye. All of the hurt and unspoken possibilities are thrown into the unyielding softness of our exchange. The desperation and carnal need of earlier has been replaced with a poignant resignation. We slowly end the kiss, Colton slowly lowering me, my body sliding down the familiar length of his. Once my feet are on the ground, he rests his forehead against mine. Our eyes remain closed as we absorb this last moment with each other.

I move my hand between our bodies and place it over his heart, our foreheads still touching. “I wish you’d explain to me why you don’t do relationships, Colton.” My voice is barely a whisper, the threat of tears evident in my voice’s wavering. “Maybe I could understand you—this—better then.”

“I know,” he breathes in response. He shifts and places his trademark kiss on the tip of my nose.

It is this unbidden action that is my undoing. Tears silently coarse down my cheeks as Colton whispers, “Goodbye,” before turning without looking back at me and hurrying down the pathway.

I can’t bear to watch him leave. I fumble clumsily with the front lock before shoving the door open and slamming it shut. I lean against the door and slide down it to sit on the floor, my silent tears turning into uncontrollable sobs.

This is how Haddie finds me moments later after being woken by my less-than-graceful entrance.

CHAPTER 18

The week has sucked so far. My applicants and select interviews for the new staff position at The House have been horrible. Unqualified. Underwhelming. Unexciting.

It might not help that my mind is not all here either. I’m tired because sleep comes in short bouts interrupted by confusing nightmares of Colton and Max interchanging. My subconscious is obviously having a field day with my emotions.

I’m cranky because I’m eating everything in sight, and yet I have no desire to go run and work off all of the excess calories that I’m stuffing in my mouth to abate my misery.

I’m irritable because Haddie is watching me like a hawk, calling me every hour to check up on me, and turning off Matchbox Twenty anytime she catches me listening to it.

I’m petulant because Teddy just forwarded me an email from Tawny listing all of the events that CD Enterprises is requesting my presence at to promote our new partnership. And that means that I will have to stand side by side with Colton, the sole cause of my current miserable state. Because despite the four days that have passed, nothing has helped to ease the ache radiating through my heart and soul from my last moments with Colton. I want to tell myself to get a grip, that we only knew each other a short time, but nothing works.

I still want him. I still feel him.

I’m pathetic.

The only personal contact I’ve had with Colton came via email the day after he dropped me off. He sent me a text saying:

“Whataya Want From Me” by Adam Lambert.

I listened to the song, confused by lyrics. He’s telling me that we’re not going to happen and yet he sends me a song asking me not to give up while he works his shit out. A part of me is pleased that he’s still communicating with me while the other part is sad that he just won’t let me lick my wounds in a corner by myself. I wasn’t even going to respond until I heard the song playing on Shane’s radio. My texted response was:

“Numb” by Usher

I was trying to tell him that until he confronts his same old modus operandi, nothing’s ever going to change, and he’s going to remain numb. He never replied, and I didn’t expect him to.

I sigh loudly, alone at the kitchen counter at The House. Zander is at a counseling session with Jackson, and the rest of the boys are at school for another two hours. I’m on my last stack of resumes that are even close to viable and am discouraged that only one of them is a possibility. That possibility is coming for an interview, but besides her, I’ve come across no one else even close to qualified.

The muffled sound of my cell phone ringing breaks me out of my trance. I scramble frantically to pick it up, my heart racing, hoping that it might be Colton even though we have not talked since Sunday night. My mind tells me it’s not going to be him while my heart still hopes that it is. Such a hopeless ritual but I do it nonetheless.