Every Breath

“Your mother was very beautiful,” she commented.

“Yes, she was.”

“You can tell she was in love with him. And that he felt the same about her.”

Tru nodded, his thoughts focused more on Hope than the events of the day before. He was trying to memorize everything about the way she looked, every quirk and gesture. When she finished with the photographs, she lifted the first of the drawings, the one of his mother staring at her reflection in the mirror.

“She was very talented,” she said. “But I think your work is better.”

“She was still young. And she had more natural ability than I do.”

When she finished examining the stack of drawings, she took another sip of coffee, finishing the cup.

“I know you just woke up, but are you up for a walk on the beach?” she ventured. “I have to take Scottie out soon.”

“Sure,” he said. “Let me get my boots.”

By the time he was ready, Scottie was already standing next to the gate, his tail wagging. Tru opened the gate, allowing Hope to lead the way, and once on the beach, Scottie took off, racing toward a flock of birds. They followed slowly, the morning cooler than it had been on previous days. For a while, neither one of them seemed to want to break the silence. When Tru slipped his hand into hers, she seemed to hesitate before her hand finally relaxed. Her defenses were going up, and it registered as an ache.

They walked in silence for a long time, Hope glancing at him only now and then; mostly she seemed to be focusing on something in the distance or out over the water. As it had been most of the week, the beach was empty and quiet. There were no boats, and even the gulls and terns seemed to have taken flight. Confirming his earlier feelings of dread, he now sensed with certainty that something had happened, that there was something she was afraid to tell him. He had a strong premonition that whatever was on her mind would both surprise and hurt him, and he felt his heart sink. Desperate, he thought again about all he wanted to tell her, but before he could speak the words, she raised her gaze to his.

“I’m sorry I’m so quiet,” she offered, forcing a smile. “I’m not very good company this morning.”

“It’s all right,” he said. “You had a late night.”

“It’s not that,” she said. “It’s…” She trailed off, and Tru felt a touch of spray from the waves. It left him damp and chilled.

She cleared her throat. “I want you to know I had no idea what was going to happen.”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

Her voice became softer, her fingers tightening in his grip. “Josh showed up at the wedding.”

Tru felt his stomach tighten but said nothing. Hope went on.

“After the phone call the other night, he booked a flight to Wilmington. I guess he hadn’t liked the way I sounded. He arrived right before the ceremony…He just showed up and could tell I wasn’t happy about it.” She took a few steps, watching the sand in front of her. “It wasn’t too hard to avoid him at first. After the ceremony, the bridal party had to sit for a lot of photographs, and I was seated with Ellen at the main table. I stuck with my girlfriends for most of the evening, but toward the end of the reception, I went outside to cool off, and he found me.” She drew a long breath, as if summoning the words she needed. “He apologized, said he wanted to talk, and…”

As she spoke, Tru felt everything beginning to slip away. “And?” he prompted gently.

She stopped walking and turned to face him. “When he showed up, all I could think about was this week and how much it’s meant to me. Last week, I didn’t even know you existed, so part of me can’t help but wonder whether I’m crazy. Because I know that I love you.”

Tru swallowed, noting that her eyes were bright with tears.

“Even now, when I’m here with you, all I can think is how right this feels. And I don’t want to leave you.”

“Then stay with me,” he pleaded. “We’ll figure something out.”

“It’s not that simple, Tru. I love Josh, too. I know that must be painful for you to hear, and the truth is that I don’t feel the same way about him that I do for you.” Her eyes beseeched him. “You’re both so different…” She seemed to be grasping for something out of her reach. “I feel like I’m at war with myself—like two different people, who want completely different things. But…”

When she appeared unable to continue, Tru gripped her arms.

“I can’t imagine a life without you, Hope, and I don’t want one. I want you, and only you, forever. Could you really give up what we have without regret?”

She stood frozen, her face a mask of anguish. “No. I know there’s part of me that will regret it forever.”

He stared at her, trying to read her, already knowing what she was trying to tell him. “You’re not going to tell him about us, are you?”

“I don’t want to hurt him…”

“And yet you’re willing to keep secrets from him?”

He regretted the words as soon as they came out. “That’s not fair,” she cried, shaking off his touch. “Do you think I want to be in this position? I didn’t come here to make my life even more complicated than it already was. I didn’t come here because I wanted to fall in love with another man. But no matter what I decide, someone is going to be hurt, and I never, ever wanted that.”

“You’re right,” he murmured. “I shouldn’t have said it. It wasn’t fair, and I apologize.”

Her shoulders slumped, her anger slowly giving way to confusion again. “Josh seemed different this time. Scared. Serious…” she mused, almost to herself. “I just don’t know…”

It was now or never, Tru suddenly realized, and he reached for her hand again. “I wanted to talk to you earlier about this, but last night when I couldn’t sleep, I did a lot of thinking. About you and me. About us. And maybe you’re not quite ready to hear it, but…” He swallowed, his eyes on hers. “I want you to come with me to Zimbabwe. I know it’s asking a lot, but you could meet Andrew and we could make a life there. If you don’t like that I’m in the bush so much, I can find something else to do.”

Hope blinked without speaking, trying to absorb what he was saying. She opened her mouth to respond, then closed it again, even as she released his hand. She turned, facing the ocean, before finally shaking her head.

“I don’t want you to change who you are for me,” Hope insisted. “Guiding is important to you—”

“You’re more important,” he said, hearing the desperation in his voice. Feeling the future, all his hopes, begin to recede. “I love you. Don’t you love me?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then before you say no, can you at least think about it?”

“I have,” she said, so quietly he almost couldn’t make out her voice over the sound of the surf. “Yesterday, when I was coming back from the wedding, I thought about exactly that. Just…running off to Africa with you. Leaving, without a second thought. And part of me longed to do that. I imagined explaining the situation to my parents, sure that they’d give me their blessing. But…”

She raised her eyes to his, her expression drawn in anguish. “How can I leave my dad, knowing he has only a few years left? I’ll need to spend these last years with him, for me as much as him. Because I know I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t. And my mom is going to need me, even if she thinks that she won’t.”

“I could fly you back home as often as you want. Once a month if that’s what you need. Or even more. Money’s not an issue.”

“Tru…”

He felt a surge of panic. “What if I move here?” he offered. “To North Carolina?”

“What about Andrew?”

“I’d fly back every month. I’ll see him more than I do now. Whatever you need from me, I’ll do it.”

She stared at him in agony, her hand clenched in his.

“But what if you can’t?” she asked. The words were almost a whisper. “What if there’s something that I need that you can never give me?”

At her words, he flinched as if he had been slapped. All at once, he understood what she’d been trying so hard not to tell him. That to be with him meant closing the door to having children of her own. Hadn’t she told him about her lifelong dream? Her treasured image of holding the baby she had just given birth to, of creating a human life with the man she treasured? More than anything, she wanted to be a mother—she wanted to give birth to a child—and it was the one thing he could not give her. In her face, the silent plea for forgiveness was as pronounced as her pain.

He turned away, unable to face her. He’d always believed that anything was possible when it came to love, that any obstacle could be overcome. Wasn’t that a truth that nearly everyone took for granted? As he struggled with the implacability of what Hope had just said, she hugged her arms to her body.

“It makes me hate myself,” she cried, her voice cracking. “That there’s this part of me that needs to have a baby. I wish I could imagine a life without a child, but I can’t. I know it would be possible to adopt, and now there’s even amazing medical technology, but…” She shook her head and let out a long breath. “It just wouldn’t be the same. I hate that this is true for me, but it is.”