Every Breath

That had left her in a funk, too. Well, not so much because of her mom and dad, but because of Josh. As much as she loved him, she’d never gotten used to the on-again, off-again nature of their relationship. Right now they were in the off-again position, which was the reason that Hope was spending the week at the cottage alone except for Scottie, with only a pedicure and time with the hairstylist on the agenda until the rehearsal dinner on Friday night.

Josh was supposed to have come with her this week, and as the date of the trip had approached, Hope had become ever more certain they needed some time alone together. For the last nine months, the practice where he worked had been trying to hire two more orthopedic surgeons to handle the surging patient load, without luck. Which meant Josh had been working seventy- to eighty-hour weeks, and had been on call constantly. Even worse, his days off weren’t always in sync with hers, and lately, he seemed to feel a greater-than-usual need to blow off steam in his own way. On his few free weekends, he tended to prefer hanging out with his buddies, boating or water-skiing or overnighting in Charlotte after hitting the bars, instead of spending time with her.

It wasn’t the first time that Josh had drifted into a phase like this one, where Hope sometimes felt like an afterthought. He’d never been the type who sent flowers, and the tender gestures her parents shared every day probably seemed utterly foreign to him. There was also, especially at times like these, a bit of Peter Pan about him, a quality that made her wonder whether he would ever really grow up. His apartment, filled with IKEA furniture, baseball pennants, and movie posters, seemed more suitable for a graduate student, which made sense, since he hadn’t moved since he’d started medical school. His friends—most of whom he’d met at the gym—were in their late twenties or early thirties, single, and as handsome as Josh was. Josh didn’t look his age—he’d be forty in a few months—but for the life of her, she couldn’t understand how hanging out at bars with his buddies, who were most likely there to meet women, was something he would still find appealing. But what was she supposed to say to him? “Don’t hang out with your friends”? She and Josh weren’t married, they weren’t even engaged, and he’d told her all along that what he wanted in a partner was someone who wouldn’t try to change him. He wanted to be accepted for who he was.

She understood that. She wanted to be accepted for who she was, too. So why did it matter if he liked to hang out with his buddies at bars?

Because, she heard a voice inside her answer, right now we’re not technically together and anything is possible. He hasn’t always been faithful during previous breakups, has he?

Oh yeah. That. It had happened when they’d broken up the second and third times. Josh had come clean both times and told her what had occurred—women who’d meant nothing to him, terrible mistakes—and he’d sworn it would never happen again. They’d been able to move past it, she’d thought, but…now they were broken up again, and she could feel those old fears cropping up. Even worse, Josh and his friends were in Las Vegas, no doubt living it up and doing whatever it was that guys did while they were there. She wasn’t sure exactly what a guys’ weekend in Las Vegas might entail, but strip clubs came immediately to mind. She strongly doubted that any of them were lining up to see Siegfried and Roy. Las Vegas was nicknamed Sin City for a reason.

The whole situation still irritated her. Not only because he’d abandoned her this week, but because breaking up, even temporarily, had been so unnecessary in the first place. Couples argued. That’s what they did. And then afterward, they discussed the situation, learned from their mistakes, tried to forgive, and moved on from there. But Josh didn’t seem to understand that notion, and it left her questioning whether the two of them still had a future.

Sometimes she asked herself why she still wanted him in her life, but deep down, she knew the answer. As furious as she was with him and as frustrating as she found some of his ingrained traits, he was whip-smart and handsome enough to make her heart lurch. Even after all these years, Hope could still get lost in his dark violet eyes. Despite his weekends with the guys, she knew he loved her; a few years earlier, when Hope had been in a car accident, Josh had raced immediately from work and refused to leave her hospital bedside for two straight days. When her dad needed referrals to a neurologist, Josh had taken control of that situation, earning the gratitude of her entire family. He looked after her in little ways, taking her car in for oil changes or to rotate her tires, and every once in a while he would surprise her with a home-cooked dinner. At family gatherings and with her friends, Josh remembered details of everyone’s lives and had a gracious knack for making them feel at ease.

They also shared the same interests. They both enjoyed hiking and concerts and had the same taste in music; in the past six years, they’d traveled to New York City, Chicago, Cancun, and the Bahamas, and every one of those getaways had validated her reasons for being with him. When life with Josh was good, it felt like everything she wanted, forever. But when it wasn’t good, she admitted, it was terrible. She suspected there might be something addictive about those dramatic ups and downs, but she had no way to know for sure. All she knew was that as unbearable as life with him sometimes felt, she couldn’t quite imagine life without him, either.

Up ahead, Scottie was trotting and sniffing, weaving toward terns and sending them into deeper water. Changing directions, he raced for the dune for no reason that Hope could deduce. When they got back to the cottage, he’d probably spend the rest of the morning comatose with exhaustion. Thank God for small favors.

She took another sip of coffee, wishing things were different. Her parents made marriage seem effortless; her sisters were cut from the same cloth. Even her friends seemed to float along in their relationships while she and Josh were either soaring or sinking. And why had her most recent argument with Josh been their worst ever?

Thinking back, she suspected that she had been as much to blame as he was. He was stressed about work, and she was admittedly stressed about…well, their future, actually. But instead of finding solace in each other’s company, they had let the stress slowly amplify over a period of months until it finally blew. She couldn’t even remember how the argument had started other than that she’d mentioned Ellen’s upcoming wedding, and Josh had grown quiet. It was clear he was upset about something, but when she asked what was wrong, Josh told her it was nothing.

Nothing.

She hated that word. It was a way to end conversations, not begin them, and maybe she shouldn’t have pressed him about it. But she had, and for whatever reason, what had originally begun as the mere mention of a friend’s wedding turned into shouts and screams, and the next thing she knew, Josh was storming out the door to spend the night at his brother’s house. The following day, he’d told Hope that he thought they needed to take a break to evaluate things, and a few days after that, he’d texted to say that he and his buddies were heading to Las Vegas the week of the wedding.

That had been almost a month ago. They’d talked on the phone a few times since then, but those calls had done little to soothe her, and he hadn’t called at all in nearly a week. She wished she could roll back the clock and start over, but what she really wanted was for Josh to feel the same way. And for him to apologize. His reaction to the argument had been so over-the-top; it felt as though it hadn’t been enough to sink the knife in her heart; he’d needed to twist it as well. Things like that didn’t bode well in the long run, but would he ever change? And if not, where did that leave her? She was thirty-six years old, unmarried, and the last thing she wanted was to start over in the dating scene. She couldn’t even imagine it. What was she supposed to do—hang out at bars while guys like Josh’s friends hit on her? No, thank you. Besides, she’d devoted six years to Josh; she didn’t want to believe that it had been a waste of time. As crazy as he could sometimes make her feel, he had so many good qualities…

She finished her coffee. Up ahead, she saw a man walking near the water’s edge. Scottie raced past him, closing fast on another flock of seagulls. She tried to immerse herself in the ocean view, watching the ripples shift from yellow to gold in the morning light. The waves were mild and the sea was calm; her dad would tell her that it likely meant a storm was coming, but Hope decided not to mention that to Ellen if her friend called again. Ellen wouldn’t want to hear it.

Hope ran a hand through her hair, tucking loose strands behind her ear. There were wispy clouds on the horizon, the kind that would likely burn off as the morning progressed. It would be a perfect afternoon for a glass of wine, maybe some cheese and crackers, or even oysters on the half shell. Add some candles and some sultry R&B, and…

Why was she thinking such things?

With a sigh, she focused on the waves, recalling that as a little girl, she used to play in them for hours. Sometimes she rode a boogie board, other times it was fun diving under them as they broke overhead. More often than not, her dad would join her in the water for a while, and the memories brought with them a tinge of sadness.

Soon, she thought, her dad would never enter the ocean again.