Everything, Everything(47)
Author: Nicola Yoon

Love is a terrible thing and its loss is even worse.

Love is a terrible thing and I want nothing to do with it.

Released, PART TWO

Wednesday, 6:56 P.M.

Olly: jesus, where have you been?

Olly: are you ok?

Madeline: Yes.

Olly: what does your mom say?

Olly: are you going to be ok?

Madeline: I’m OK, Olly.

Olly: i tried to visit you but your mom wouldn’t let me

Madeline: She’s protecting me.

Olly: i know

Madeline: Thanks for saving my life.

Madeline: I’m sorry I put you through all that.

Olly: you don’t have to thank me

Madeline: Thank you anyway.

Olly: are you sure you’re OK?

Madeline: Please don’t ask me that anymore.

Olly: sorry

Madeline: Don’t be.

Later, 9:33 P.M.

Olly: it’s nice being able to IM you again

Olly: you were a terrible mime

Olly: say something

Olly: I know you’re disappointed Mad but at least you’re alive

Olly: we’ll talk to your mom once you’re better again. maybe i can visit

Olly: I know it’s not everything Mad but it’s better than nothing

Later, 12:05 A.M.

Madeline: It’s not better than nothing. It’s absolutely worse than nothing

Olly: what?

Madeline: Do you think we can go back to the way it was before?

Madeline: You want to go back to decontamination, and short visits, and no touching and no kissing and no future?

Madeline: You’re saying that’s enough for you?

Olly: it’s better than nothing

Madeline: No it’s not. Stop saying that.

Later, 2:33 A.M.

Olly: what about the pills?

Madeline: What about them?

Olly: they worked for a couple of days. maybe they’ll get them right eventually

Olly: maddy?

Madeline: There were no pills

Olly: what do you mean?

Madeline: There were never any pills. I told you that so that you would go with me.

Olly: you lied to me?

Olly: but you could’ve died and it would’ve been my fault

Madeline: I’m not your responsibility.

Later, 3:42 A.M.

Madeline: I wanted everything, Olly. I wanted you and the whole wide world. I wanted everything.

Madeline: I can’t do this anymore.

Olly: can’t do what?

Madeline: No more IM. No more e-mail. It’s too hard. I can’t go back. My mom was right. Life was better before.

Olly: better for who?

Olly: don’t do this Maddy

Olly: my life is better with you in it

Madeline: but mine isn’t

<Madeline has logged out>

Life is Short™

Spoiler Reviews by Madeline

Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison

Spoiler alert: You don’t exist if no one can see you.

Geography

I’m in an endless field filled with red poppies. The poppies reach waist-high on single green stalks and are so red they seem to bleed color. In the distance I see one Olly, and then two, and then multiple Ollys marching toward me. They’re wearing gas masks and holding handcuffs and crushing the poppies under black-booted feet as they march toward me, silent and determined.

The dream doesn’t leave me. I drift through the day awake but dreaming, trying not to think of Olly. I try not to think of seeing him for the first time. How he seemed like he was from another planet. I try not to think about Bundt cakes and headstands and kisses and velvet sand. How second and third and fourth kisses are just as amazing as first ones. I try not to think about him moving inside me and us moving together. I try not to think of him because if I do, I’ll have to think about how connected to him and the world I was just a few days go.

I’ll have to think of all the hope I had. Of how I fooled myself into thinking that I was a miracle. Of how the world I wanted to be a part of so badly didn’t want me back.

I have to let Olly go. I’ve learned my lesson. Love can kill you and I’d rather be alive than out there living.

I once told Olly that I knew my own heart better than I knew anything else, and it’s still true. I know the places in my heart, but the names have all changed.

Map of Despair

Life is Short™

Spoiler Reviews by Madeline

The Stranger by Albert Camus

Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett

Nausea by Jean-Paul SaRtre

Spoiler alert: Everything is nothing.

Select All, Delete

Pretending

I’m stronger with each passing day. Nothing hurts except my heart, but I’m trying not to use it. I keep the blinds closed. I read my books. Existential or nihilist ones. I have no patience for books that pretend life has meaning. I have no patience for happy endings.

I don’t think about Olly. He sends me e-mails that I trash without reading.