Fallen Fourth Down

He noticed my reaction. “What?”

“Nothing.” But I couldn’t keep it in. A slight chuckle slipped out and I pointed to his hand. “You always grab your hair.”

“I do?” He released his hair and laughed. “I had no idea. That’s embarrassing.”

“It’s cute. It’s you. It’s Logan.”

He rolled his eyes and groaned. “What was I saying? Oh yeah.” He snapped his fingers and pointed at me. “You.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you. This was the reason you’ve been freaking out since Mason left, even before he left. I could tell something was wrong. You were always with him.” He cursed. “The two of you were like rabbits for a while, always going at it. Now it makes sense.”

“Logan.”

Ignoring me, he kept going, “It hurt when you pulled away from me this year. We were already separated. You moved in with David and my mom moved back. Mason left me too. It wasn’t just you. I needed you this year. I don’t let people in, Sam, but I let you in. We both let you in. It fucking hurt. That’s all I’m saying.”

A lump sat on the bottom of my throat. It rested right there, blocking me from talking, from breathing. I struggled around it. My god, I could see the damage I had done. I choked out, “I’m sorry.”

I was. God, I was.

“Yeah.” He looked at me with dead eyes. “It’s over and done with. Do you realize how much time it’s going to take to for me get over this?”

“That I held this back or…” My heart rate picked up, thumping harder and harder. He had never confirmed or denied it. Was that what he meant…I was still too afraid to ask.

“Yes, that you held back.” He gestured from himself to me. “Mason has to be told. I know it came from Tate, but this is a guy’s worst nightmare, that his girl and his brother fall for each other. I’m hurting, but I’m pissed too. I’m pissed that this wasn’t snuffed out right way. I think about my brother and what’s going to go through his head. I mean…” He turned away sharply, then placed both his hands on the side of his head. Bending over, he let out a yell. When he looked back up, the deadness was there, but it was mixed with anger and just plain misery.

I wanted to look away. I couldn’t, though.

Logan’s chest lifted, and I heard him take a shuddering breath. “The girl I loved wanted my brother. I knew what he did for me, what he kept doing for me afterwards. Mason took care of me. He protected me, but I didn’t love Tate like he loves you. You guys are epic. You guys are going to last forever and knowing that a wedge is between you, that the wedge is me, will haunt me.”

He still hadn’t denied or confirmed. I bit down on my lip. I didn’t want to know, then it would be worse. I just knew it.

“Sam,” he dropped his voice to a whisper.

I turned away.

His hand came to my shoulder and I held still. I kept biting down on my lip and my hands curled into themselves. I felt the first stabbing pain from my nails cutting into my skin, but it went numb. Flashbacks of my junior year, before Mason and Logan loved me, went through my mind. I had been so alone. I had been ostracized. I had no one. I was laughed at, jeered at. People wanted to hurt me.

I had nothing to lose then. I had everything to lose now.

“Stop.” I was gritting my teeth. Everything had tensed inside me, but he didn’t remove his hand. “Stop, Logan.”

“Sam—”

“I said stop it!” I whirled around. It felt as if I had a never-ending stampede in my chest that would never slow down.

“Sam—”

“STOP! YOU DON’T LOVE ME!” I snapped.

In the back of my mind, I was telling myself to calm down. I should’ve been quieter. I needed to be quieter. We were outside, the front lobby just a few feet away. The only thing separating us and that room was a wall of windows. They could hear and someone could come outside.

Logan stepped back, his eyes wide. He looked taken aback.

I shook my head again. “You can’t. I won’t let you. You can’t love me.”

If he did, what then? What would happen? Would Mason still choose me? No. And that was the root of my fear. If Logan loved me, Mason wouldn’t choose me. He had said over and again that he wouldn’t ever let a girl get between them.

He would leave me.

“Sam,” Logan hesitated. “I—”

“Shut up.”

His eyes trailed past me and agony filled them.

I didn’t recognize it in time. I should’ve, but I didn’t. Instead, I whispered, “You can’t love me. I won’t let you.”

I heard from behind me, “Sam.”

Oh god. My stomach dropped to my feet.

Mason was there and I knew, from the soft tone of voice, from the small note of wariness, that he had heard.

I tried to prepare myself, but when I turned, I couldn’t have. He wore a mask to me now. His green eyes were cold, staring through me, and it was like he was seeing behind me, not me anymore. He was so gorgeous. Even though my heart was breaking, I couldn’t stop myself from feeling a surge of love just at the sight of him.

Football had made him leaner. He was an athlete, and he moved with a silent litheness, like a predator. I had never heard him, but even if I had, I didn’t know if I could’ve stopped myself.

It was going to come out, no matter what. I just wish he hadn’t heard it that way.