Forever

My thoughts were flashes in between the downbeats.

beat:

my hand pressed on Cole’s stomach

beat:

our h*ps crushed together

beat:

Cole’s laugh

beat:

we were one person

Even knowing that Cole was good at this because it was what he did didn’t make it any less of an amazing thing. Plus, he wasn’t trying to be amazing without me — every move of his body was to make us move together. There was no ego, just the music and our bodies.

When the track ended, Cole stepped back, out of breath, half a smile on his face. I couldn’t see how he could stop. I wanted to dance until I couldn’t stand up. I wanted to crush our bodies against each other until there was no pulling them apart.

“You’re an addiction,” I told him.

“You should know.”

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

SAM

Because Grace was feeling more solidly herself, we spent the day out. She ducked down inside the car as I ran into the Dollar Parade to buy her some socks and T-shirts and ventured into the grocery store to buy the things on a list she’d written for me. There was pleasure in the mundane, in the pretense of routine. It was only marred by the knowledge that Grace was trapped in that car, officially missing, and I was tied to Boundary Wood, tangled in the pack still, and we were both prisoners in Beck’s house, waiting for our sentences to be commuted.

We took the groceries home and I folded Grace’s list into a paper crane and tied it to my bedroom ceiling with the others. It strained toward the window in the current from the air vent, but when I bumped it with my shoulder, its string was only long enough to tangle it with the crane next to it.

“I want to go see Rachel,” Grace said.

“Okay,” I replied. I already had my keys in my hand.

We got to Grace’s old high school well before school let out, so we sat together in silence and waited until the bell rang. As soon as it did, Grace ducked into the backseat, out of sight.

There was something odd and terrible about sitting outside her old school, watching the seniors begin to trickle out in groups, waiting for the buses. They moved in knots of twos and threes. Everything was bright colors: Day-Glo messenger bags hanging on shoulders, brilliant shirts with team mottos, fresh green tree leaves by the parking lot. Their conversations were silent with my windows rolled up, and without the benefit of sound, I thought that they could communicate entirely with their body language. There were so many hands punched in the air, shoulders bumping, heads thrown back in laughter. They didn’t need the words, if they were willing to be silent long enough to learn to speak without them.

I looked at the clock on the car. We’d only been here a few minutes, but it seemed longer. It was a beautiful day, closer to summer than spring, one of those days where the cloudless blue sky seemed high and far out of reach. The high schoolers kept coming out of the school, none of them familiar yet. It was ages ago that I’d waited for Grace to come out of class, back when I’d had to hide from the weather.

I felt so much older than all of them. They were seniors, so some of them might have been my age, which seemed unfathomable. I couldn’t imagine walking among them, backpack slung over my shoulder, waiting for a bus or walking to my car. I felt like I’d never been that young. Was there an alternate universe where a Sam Roth had never met the wolves, never lost his parents, never left Duluth? What would that Sam look like, going to school, waking up on Christmas, kissing his mother’s cheek on graduation day? Would that Sam without scars have a guitar, a girlfriend, a good life?

I felt like a voyeur. I wanted to go.

But there she was. Dressed in a straight brown dress with striped purple stockings underneath it, Rachel was walking alone to the far side of the parking lot, a sort of grim march. I rolled down my window. There was no way to do this that didn’t feel like a page out of a murder mystery. The boy called to her from his car. She approached; she knew he was suspected by the police, but he’d always seemed kind….

“Rachel!” I called.

Rachel’s eyes were wide and it took a long time for her to arrange her face into something more pleasant. She stopped about ten feet from my driver’s side window, her feet clapped together and her hands holding both of her backpack straps.

“Hi,” she said. She looked wary, or sad.

“Can I talk to you a minute?”

Rachel glanced back toward the school, then to me. “Sure,” she said. She didn’t come any closer. That distance stung. It also meant that everything I said to her would be shouted across ten feet of parking lot.

“Do you mind if we’re, um, a little closer?” I asked.

Rachel shrugged, but didn’t come any closer.

I left the car running and got out, shutting the door behind me. Rachel didn’t move as I approached her, but her eyebrows moved slightly closer to her eyes.

“How are you doing?” I asked gently.

Rachel looked at me, her lower lip firmly caught in her teeth. She was so incredibly sad looking that it was hard to think that Grace’s decision to come here was wrong.

“I’m so sorry about Olivia,” I said.

“Me, too,” Rachel said. She said it in this brave way. “John is doing bad.”

It took me a moment to remember that John was Olivia’s brother. “Rachel, I’m here about Grace.”

“What about Grace?” Her voice was guarded. I wished that she trusted me, but I guessed she had no reason to.

I grimaced and looked at the students filing onto the buses. It looked like an advertisement for a school: perfect blue sky, brilliant green leaves, eye-buggingly yellow school buses. Rachel only added to the image; those stripes looked like you had to order them out of a catalog. Rachel was Grace’s friend. Grace believed that she could keep a secret. Not just a secret, but our secret. Even trusting Grace’s judgment, it was surprisingly difficult to relinquish the truth. “I need to know you can keep a secret first, Rachel.”

Rachel said, “They’re saying some pretty bad things about you, Sam.”

I sighed. “I know. I’ve heard them. I hope you know that I wouldn’t hurt Grace, but … you don’t have to trust me for this, Rachel. I just want to know that, if it was something important, something really important, you could keep a secret. Be honest.”

I could see that she wanted to let down her guard.

“I can keep a secret,” she said.

I bit my lip and closed my eyes for just a second.